Friday, October 9, 2009

When one door closes...

I'm back!! Kind of. I have a new blog...feel free to check it out if you've missed me :)

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Fin.

I know that I've kept you waiting for awhile...and I am sure this will only disappoint.

I've been thinking a lot about where I'm going and how I'm getting there. It's been a real struggle to find some purpose in some of my vices, this blog included.

For that reason....I've decided to stop writing on this blog. Indefinitely.

I guess a part of me just can't continue coming back when things I'm so excited about inevitably become flushed down my relationship toilet. I've even started to write for you, instead of writing for myself. My intention for this blog was to practice my writing and in the process find myself and share my often ridiculously amusing dating experiences. I feel it has served its purpose. It needs to finish.

It's only fitting that I end without finding my Z. Z is my end. He is my one. Maybe I'll be searching for Z longer than I'd ever wanted to. Maybe it will take a hundred or thousand more letters to get to him...but someday I'll come to the end of this increasingly frustrating alphabet. Maybe I'll come back to this. Maybe I'll find a need for it again. I can't make promises.

I hope this goodbye finds you well. I hope that in some way you've found something worth while in reading my hopes, dreams, frustrations, and sorrows. I hope you miss me. I will miss you.

Love Always,

Bailey

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

David Hasselhoff

I decided to take my cue from Julie and check out all the weirdo keywords that have been used to bring people to my sweet awesome blog. Here are my top 6 (you know I can never do just 5) fav's:

6. How do I stop flirting with guys I don't like?
- Really? That's a problem for you?

5. Do you kiss on the first date?
- This one is common. Seems like everyone in the world just doesn't know what to do!

4. Professional Dater
- That's me!

3. Fat Dater
- Yeah. I'm pickin up what you're puttin down.

2. "I have a date" Church
- Is this a religion? I want to join.

1. www.nesquik.com
- I love chocolate milk.

(let's see how many hits the title of this blog gets! ba ha!)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Secrets, secrets are no fun!

So...I've kind of maybe sort of been keeping some secrets from you. But don't be mad...cause I'm going to tell you right....now!

1. There is a Mr. X. I can't say much about him. Really, I can't say anything. Keeping him a mystery just seems fitting doesn't it? I will say...he gives me butterflies. Smiley face.

2. I had a date Monday with Y. I really enjoyed his company and he was nothing but sweet. We cruised on his sweet awesome motorcycle (No, this is not motorcycle guy I was supposed to go out with, and yes, I am a sucker for bikes). We went to a movie...and I'd actually seen this movie twice in theatres already, but it's OK...because I love it :) I would like to see him again, but my heart seems to be a little occupied. I'll be sure to let you know of any further developments.

Almost to Z people, can you believe it? I can't. I'm not sure I had any expectations to not get through the whole boy alphabet, but I also can't say I'm surprised. A little sad? Maybe. Happy that I've had all of you around to enjoy it with me? Absolutely. Still need suggestions on how to keep track of the boys after Z...so get thinking!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Still can't believe he egged my car...

Women generally have a natural tendency to care- to be caring. We want people to be happy and sometimes we will sacrifice our needs to meet those of others. In the game of dating, this quality is not only necessary, but it can also be a hindrance.

It's kind of messy, but let me explain.

Women want to be loved. In order to find that love, and keep that love, we often go on rampage of service and caring, hoping that in the end a reciprocated love will be our reward. To care is good...to care is honorable...to care is God-like. Being able to care that way about someone is part of being in love, part of giving love. At some point though, we need to care enough about ourselves.

We spend so much time worrying about feelings. Especially me. I think people who know me in person might think differently, but the feelings of others are a huge concern to me. With people I date, I am always walking on pins and needles because I don't want to cause unnecessary harm or heart break. At some point though I have to realize that their feelings are not my responsibility. Really.

I have absolutely no control over Ryan when he egged my car after I broke up with him (seriously, crazy right?!)

I have no control over Mike being so upset and refusing to accept my reasoning when I knew that ending our relationship was what I needed to do at that point in my life.

And it's hard! It was SO SO hard for me to make those decisions. I spend hours and days, in some cases even months, agonizing over making the right choices. I just don't want anyone to be sad! But you know what? My happiness is all that I am in control of. I can't ever learn to love and give myself to someone if I can't find a way to be satisfied with who I am on my own.

I really don't know if you feel this way. I don't know who you are or what's going on in your life, but maybe you're just like me. Just trying to find a way to get through it all and make it out with some dignity and class...and good pair of red heels :)

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Love sickie

California has been fun and relaxing thus far with the exception of my being sick. It seems I'm always sick. However, I have had the luxury of being taken care of by wonderful (distant) family members.

I've been having somewhat of a pity party for myself and my ever present singleness lately. Most of the time, I acknowledge the pain, then move on in moments. This week has been slightly more difficult. I don't think I should spend my life wallowing in sorrows, especially when I cannot control the situation. I want to be positive, and the older I get the more I start to follow the "glass is half full" mantra. But alas...this week has been hard. I want to love and be loved. I imagine love will find me when I'm ready, but does that ease the pain of a lonely heart? Not at all.

I will say that I am happy I've become the person I have. I think so many people loose themselves in trying to fill voids in their hearts, but not me. Although digressing in love, I've progressed in other ways, and for that, I am grateful.

Life is good.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

A crushing crush

I had a crush on a boy. It was exciting at first, but then turned not so exciting when my baby crush feelings weren't reciprocated. Or at least...I didn't feel like they were.

One of the most difficult parts of dating is the fact that we have to rely so heavily on the other person. Not necessarily to do things for us, I just mean in the way of feelings. The feelings must be reciprocated or a relationship can't even begin! And of course, knowing me, being out of control is something I tend to dislike. But so it is. I can't control anyone else and sometimes things just go in a different direction. Time to move on and find a reciprocator.

C'est La Vie.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

What's up Vacation?!

By the time 1 pm roles around, I will not be here. By here I mean work slash home slash Utah. I'm going to California! Woot!

This is a long overdue vacation as I have been working full time, all day, every day, all summer. I do like my job, but sometimes 8 am just comes waaaaaaaayyy to early (did you SEE how many A's I used to emphasize!?) Anyway, I plan on relaxing and chillin out hard. So hard. I also plan on writing a lot and getting some good stuff together for you and other projects.

I also hope to do a little soul searching. It's time reevaluate my life, my priorities, and of course....my dating style. Look at me! I'm going to be so productive....

I know you'll want to miss me, but I'll be right here...blogging away all the weekend! So don't cry for me...only cry that you're still stuck at work.

This is me..errr...Ross the Intern being SO excited!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Dance with me

7 years of my young life were spent as a competitive ballroom dancer (before it was the cool thing to do). I realized as I was drifting into dreams last night, that a good dance partnership is directly parallel to a good romantic relationship. This is why:

1. Trust

Trust in a dancer's partnership is key. You need to know he will be there for you. He will move where you move, go where you go. He will protect you. He will keep you safe and guide you. You have trusted him to know his part, to memorize your steps, and never let go. Trust is imperative in all relationships, romantic or otherwise.

2. Common Goal

You work so hard to get to the same place, and you can't do it alone. You train for months for 3 minutes on the dance floor. The 3 most important minutes of your life. You both have worked for the same goal, to be at the same place at the same time. To be ready. How can your romantic relationship last if you are moving in different directions? Although your paths may be slightly different, the common goal is the same.

3. Tone

Tone is the give and take. When my partner pushes, I need to push back. I need to show him that I will follow where he leads and he can be confident in my ability to do so. Just like in our romantic relationships, we need to respond. We need to show interest. We need to react and show our significant other that we will lead or follow. Without tone, the partnership will surely die.

4. Practice

We need to be willing to practice. Things wont come together after one lesson. Hours and hours of time, sweat, blood, and even tears is what it will take to get to number 1. To be the best, you have to practice. Sometimes I wonder if I find the "right" person, my relationship will be easier. Although, love is important, it isn't enough. We must "practice" our relationship. Take time to evaluate the way we treat each other and commit to working as hard as we can. In the end, that first place trophy will be worth it.

5. Love

To be a dancer, a real competitive dancer, you must love what you do. Every part of your body must be ready to endure what it takes. Sometimes the only thing that will get you through will be your love for dance, for the reward it gives you in the end, to feel complete. Clearly, we need love in our relationships. Love is not all we need- but it is a foundation that will get us through the rough times that lie ahead.

So you're not a good relationship haver? Maybe try a ballroom class or two. What have you got to lose right? :)

My last year competing. A very long time ago :)

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Above all things...

I wonder if sometimes people read this blog and walk away thinking how cynical I am. How I can't find a relationship that will work because I don't want it to.

But in reality? I want to be in love so much it hurts. From my broken strands of hair to the tips of my toes... I want it. With the exception of my relationship with God, I would give anything to have it. Every part of me longs for the hole in my heart to be filled, for the missing piece to find its fit. When I do find it, I wont ever let it go. I will do everything I can to hold on because love is a miracle.

I hope you are grateful for the love you have in your life. I hope you know there are people who envy you. Be in love. Love purely. Love patiently. Love with kindness.

Above all, don't ever let it go.

"If you love me only in my dreams, let me be asleep forever."
--Unknown

Friday, July 17, 2009

And in this side of the ring...

So....should we talk about how awesome my new layout is?! I'd like to thank April for bringing my vision to life and then some! I'm in love with it- let me know what you think :)

In my previous posts we've talked about how I'm a complete paradox for various reasons. Today, we add another to the list. I have always proclaimed to hate change. Despise it. But now I've realized that I love it. Things in my life are constantly changing by my own doing. And yet....I also love security.

Especially in relationships I hate that uncertainty phase. I wish I knew what I wanted as much as I wish I knew what my significant other did. And so...in my commitment to change, I move on because I am uncertain.

Interesting how the one thing I can commit to is the one thing that keeps me away from commitment in relationships! I'm still convinced that I haven't quite met the person I am meant to be with...and maybe when I do, whatever is keeping me scared of taking the leap will fade. Oh... I truly hope so.

So what now? How will I ever win a constant battle between security vs. change? What side am I even on?! I'm sure I'm making things much more complex than they should be, which is also something I'm very good at.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Just so you know...

I miss you. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we'd both hoped. My heart hurts. I hope you're not feeling as sad and I am; you deserve to be happy. Forgive me for the heartbreak. I won't forget you.

Love,
Bailey

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Not 5...but 6!

Normally, I am opposed to this, as I like to keep my blog content original. However, today an exception must be made.

I used to hate love songs. Hate them. But lately, I've been letting myself get a little more into that love wonderland and enjoying the feelings it invokes. Look at me! Growing up so fast! So, for your enjoyment- here are my top 6 (because I couldn't pick just 5) love songs that currently hold my heart:

Stephen Speaks, Out of my League



Owl City, The Saltwater Room



Craig David, Unbelievable



Nickel Creek, When You Come Back Down

Fail! They won't let me take this one...but go listen. It's worth it :)

Dave Barnes, On a Night Like This



And Finally....

Kalai, On My Mind



Enjoy so much!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Hey...remember me?

I really don't think people are that hard to figure out. I think we obsess and wonder and have such a hard time because we keep trying to fit people into molds we have created. Especially in dating, the signs are pretty clear if you choose to see them.

For instance. Let's take W. When he left to go back to school after our weekend together, he would text often and even called. Now that it's been over a week, I don't hear from him. Ever. So, in my head, I could sit here and think about all the reasons he is "busy" or "stressed" or "just doesn't have enough hours in the day" to text me. Yeah right. We make time for the people we care about. So my guess? He probably just isn't that into me. Which is fine. I'm free to be free.

My only annoyance is that I know when he is back in town...he'll be back to me. Frustrating. Frustrating because I do like him, but it doesn't seem right to be so easily cast aside then picked up when it's convenient.

I'm sure reading this the answer is pretty clear- peace out boy scout! But really...if you were in my position what would you do? I mean really...?

Friday, July 10, 2009

Just when I was rounding 3rd...

I think one of the most frustrating things about life is the more I learn, the more I know I need to learn. Growing up I've sometimes really thought the world revolved around me; No one gets up before 10! I don't...so no one else does either! What is this new song? I love it so much! It was never heard until I heard it!

There are things in this life that are true and real regardless of whether we see them or not. I guess I had some kind of paradigm shift in realizing that. The world is there and things exist whether my eyes have been opened or I continue to keep them closed.

Really, I'm just feeling things I thought I knew being replaced with realities...which equals a huge change within me. Just when I think I've figured it out....back to 1st base.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I expect you to expect me to...

Today I want to direct you towards a couple blogs that I fell in love with. First, my blog friend Heidi for posting this. I love that she believes in finding the kind of love that miracles are made of. And second, Katrina for posting this. This is when love used to mean something! I've read it over and over and it gives me hope :)


I've been thinking a lot about the kind of expectations we should have of others. Some say that having any expectations will always lead to disappointment. But for me...there are some things I just can't sacrifice when it comes to my romantic relationships. I mean, I definitely expect my significant other not to murder me...which I really hope I will never be disappointed by. Some things though, mean just as much to me as not hooking up with a serial killer.



Is it ever OK to expect things of others? Will we always be dissapointed when they aren't? Will the expectations we have of others ever be met at all?


I hope that I am able to find someone that I can expect certain things from, and he from me. As long as he doesn't require me to camp....often :)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Mediocre Morning

A new day, and a new morning.

It's so interesting to me how differently I feel in the morning, especially when I've gone through something difficult. Last night I told V that in order to preserve any heartbreak, I felt it was time to go our separate ways. V is the most completely genuine person I know. He is absolutely the most true person to who he is right now. I just know that his person and my person would not have worked. Too many different ideas on some extremely important issues. It makes my heart hurt to know that I've caused him any sadness. I don't know how healthy it is, but I've always been incredibly sensitive to that and hate when I'm the cause of any negative energy. I hope only the best for him in his life. I wish him nothing but love and hope.

Although I still posses an air of sadness today, I know it was the right thing to do. I know that I am only responsible for my happiness and I need to follow my natural instincts. I avoid getting into relationships for this reason- but I will say I have no regrets. I can only play the cards I'm dealt.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Gooooooaaaaaaallllllllllllllll!

I've had so much on my mind lately and have a laundry list of things I'd love to blog about. However, in the interest of keeping your attention I'll do my best to keep this short and sweet :)

V and I spent a lot of time together last week. It's been interesting getting to know him. Along with some other experiences this weekend, this has made me think about who people really are. Of course there are things people do and say that are a part of the person they've become. People have lists of accomplishments that we use to label them. But I think ultimately, we need to take the time to really get to the core of who someone is. I can go to Church every day of the week but that doesn't mean my actions are Christ-like, make sense?

So this weekend....I was supposed to go out with motorcycle guy right? WELL, turns out a person I've been wanting to spend some time with came into town and asked me out for Friday, to which I accepted. We will call him W :) So I had to cancel with motorcycle guy but I can't feel guilty- it was for a greater cause :) W took me to a Real Salt Lake soccer game on Friday night. This makes the second game of the season for me...because I love soccer so much. Orrr....not. We had a good time though (despite my ride being 2 hours late *angry glare*). This led to us spending the weekend together and getting to know each other. It was calm and cool, which I was very happy about. Maybe it was the fact that he was going back to Idaho (goes to school there) which kept my anxiety to a minimum, or maybe we just clicked. Who knows.

Either way, still not ready for commitment. Have I ever been? I'm just trying to build relationships and find out what I'm supposed to learn from them. I'm really working on getting to the point where I can completely control my thoughts and emotions. I highly doubt I'll ever accomplish that completely- but I find great benefit in trying to change the parts of me I feel are less than desirable. Life's a big test and I'm just trying to get an A.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Simple Pleasures

As I've stated in previous posts, my anxiety is often triggered by relationships.

I'm completely terrified of a broken heart as well as doing the breaking if needs be. I need it to feel "right," which is a challenge being that some things take time but I am usually too anxious to be patient.

I wonder if this has more to do with me, and less to do with the men I date. In fact, I'm almost positive it does. Maybe I'm the one that isn't ready for a long term commitment. Just a thought.


Ummm this is hideous. Who are Kathleen and William? What would possess them to do this?


I will say that I happy with the way things are progressing with V. With every conversation we have the fire of my anxieties seems to dim a little. This is good. We have a date next Friday (motorcycle guy took this Friday) but I imagine we will see each other more than once between now and then. With V, I feel like I want to be better but at the same time he appreciates the person I am right now. Truly. I like that.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Victorious

So you're wondering how my date with V went last night?! Good. Because I'm going to tell you!

Having had so much practice with first dates, I normally don't get nervous. I tend to only get nervous about things if I'm not good at them, but first dates? I'm good at those. I'm a PD remember? So anyways...I have to admit...I was a little nervous. It kind of reminds me when I was taking a public speaking class and the Professor said the second you stop being nervous, you should stop public speaking because you've lost your spark. Well...looks like I can continue dating.

SO...we met up at a restaurant (public place Heather :) at 7. I got to pick, so I figured if anything at least I'd like the food. I won't go into complete detail, so here are a few highlights of the evening:

1. Stimulating conversation. Just sometimes I'd rather talk less about selling security systems and more about anything else. I was interested, intrigued, and not annoyed.

2. He brought me chocolates. Awwww (I can hear you) I know right?! We had had a conversation earlier about my favorite chocolates and he was thoughtful enough to have our waiter surprise me with them. I offered to share, but he declined, which I was secretly grateful for because I want to eat them all. ;)

3. We didn't leave the restaurant until 10. You heard me. That's 3 hours, which barely even felt like 1.

4. We ended up taking a drive up the canyon and continued this previously stated stimulating conversation. Finally made it home at 12. I'm exhausted. It was worth it.

So there you go. Start of something good? Maybe. Excellent first date? Yes.


On a side note, I have a little surprise that should be ready by the end of the week (I hope!) So stay tuned.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Still 116....

My anxieties are through the roof today. It's an extremely frustrating feeling and not one I can do much about. It doesn't help that I lost this much weight-0-after dieting all last week and working out 4 days with an hour of cardio each day. So what to do? I mean...If my body refuses to change why should I stuff lettuce down my throat instead of Corn dogs=best food ever made?! The laws of the universe are failing me.

Also...guess who got a speeding ticket last week? Yep. The thing is...I totally deserved it. I was speeding. But for some reason I still am trying to find a way to justify being angry about it. It's probably because I'm an American and feel some sense of entitlement.

Dating front...hmmm...not much to report. I've got the gym guy date tonight (can anyone even remember what letter I'm on?! V...I think), and then was asked out by a motorcycle riding guy for Friday. Look at me! Getting myself back into the game....

However, more dating equals another dilemma. What to do after I've gone through all the letters of the Alphabet?! Currently taking suggestions.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

The New Classic

I would consider myself a classic chick.

I don't mind the standard dinner and a movie date. The dinner part is obvious as you can converse and start to peal the layers of crazy one by one. The movie on the other hand can serve 2 very important purposes.

1. In case the conversation is lacking and you're on a date with someone who may or may not resemble George Costanza, (I didn't know! He seemed nice!) then you have a get out of jail free card. You can't talk during the movie. SHHH!



2. If it is a rockin date and he looks more like Mario Lopez, then you get to sit next to him and possibly get a hand brush or 2 *blush*

I also believe in the more traditional roles between man and wife. Although, I do fall into the second wave feminist category. This means that I'm stoked on shaving my legs, showering, and manicures, but I also believe in gender equality and the opportunity to do with my life whatever I see fit. I'm just sayin, I want to have the best of both worlds.

So...future husband...just know, I'm a classic chick...with a modern twist.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Seven.

Lately I just haven't really been inspired to write much of anything with substance. At the risk of boring you, I'll keep this short.



My days this summer have seemed to melt together as each today is almost identical to the previous. It goes as follows:



1. Alarm goes off at 7. I push the snooze button exactly 5 times, and eventually get out of bed at 7:25.

2. I've showered the night before. I take care of my hair and makeup as quickly as possible because I know I will be late to work.

3. I get to work around 8:10 (On time? No. Close enough? Yes). I work until 4:30, then head home.

4. I don't really know what happens from 4:30 to 7, but I'm sure I do something incredibly unproductive.

5. Around 7 I head to the gym where I try to picture myself thin in hopes finding some motivation to keep running.

6. I go home and mess around on my Laptop, which has usually been overtaken by my family, then jump in the shower.

7. I jump into bed and wonder how I ever left it in the first place. I flip through channels hoping to find any of my favorite shows and usually wait until I can barely move my arm to turn off the TV.



So there you go, my life. 7 steps encompasses my entire life. Great.



On another note, I've set the date for the date. Monday. Sorry, objectors, the Yes voters outnumbered you.



Have a wonderful date filled weekend my lovelies!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Sweet or Scary?

Monday night I was completely focused on finishing my workout strong. I was cycling like my life depended on it and watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 (getting divorced?! Broke my heart!)
And then, I was interrupted. This guy walks up to me and sets this on the front of my calorie counter:

* "You're Stunning- Let's go out- Call me. Charles."


So... I'm leaving it up to you. Should I go out with him? Vote here ------------------------>

*Personal information ommited as to protect the individual's identity.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Party Time

I had sort of a pity party for myself last night.



I am turning off comments for this post because I want to be clear: this is not about me finding validation through any of you. I know you're all so wonderful and would come to my rescue with comments about how gorgeous I am, but that isn't what I want. I just figure I can't be the only one feeling this way, so maybe in some way some of you can relate.



Comparing myself to others always sets me up for failure. And yet, I can't seem to stop myself from doing it sometimes. My sister came into town this week. My sister looks like perfection. She could be on any magazine cover and you would think she is just another super model. Growing up with that was really hard. My guy friends and even some boyfriends would see her and wonder how they ended up with the wrong sister.



Last night at the gym I would watch eyes follow certain woman as they would walk from machine to machine. I don't necessarily want that attention, I guess just sometimes it would be nice to feel like eyes were following me.



But really, comparing ourselves to others is ridiculous. Not only will we never come out on top, being that there will always be someone who is better at whatever attribute we feel inadequate, but different people have different ideas of beauty. Ultimately, I just hope whomever I end up with is glad he ended up with the wrong sister.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I've got time on my hands

One of the biggest mistakes people can make with regards to romantic relationships is rushing into them. I've been guilty of this. I would meet someone and we would run full speed spending every day together and it would just turn into this serious thing before I could even say "I'm afraid of commitment."

I think at the beginning we create the person we think we are with. We don't have the reality of who they are, as we haven't spent much time with them, so we fill in the blanks with whatever wonderful, incredible, beautiful qualities we decide they have. In my case, I spent years not being able to completely let go of someone because I loved him. I didn't think I'd find that love again with someone so amazing. Then one day, it hit me. I created who he was. He wasn't this patient, loving, kind and sensitive person I had decided he was. Maybe he possessed those qualities, but not near in the percentage I was determined to believe he had.

My solution is just giving it time. There are so many unknowns and there is no rush to dive into a situation that could potentially be more trouble than it's worth.

On a side note: I've been so happy lately! What a great feeling! Loving life has rocked my world.

The End.

Friday, June 19, 2009

So Live your Life

Growing up and dealing with a few heart breaks I wondered what it meant to be emotionally healthy and "mature" through it all. It seemed like my world would crumble when my relationships would end and I would be sent through a twister of pain and such deep sadness that I wasn't sure I would ever feel the same. Even when I was the one that initiated the breaking up!

These past couple years I think I've learned how to accept the pain of not having a significant other and acknowledging that it's there. I think this is important. This is a part of my life and I can't change it and it hurts. But that's where it needs to end.

We can't live our lives dwelling on what could be or should be. My life is meant to be lived and when I wrap myself into a blanket of memories and wonder what I could have done differently, I'm only stifling my progression to happiness.

Living in fear (or the past) does nothing but suffocate the potential for beautiful life experiences. It is OK to be sad. It is OK to take time to mourn the loss of someone that can no longer be a part of your life. It happened. But eventually, we need to get back up. Pick up what is left and start being the people we were meant to be.

There just isn't enough time to sacrifice our potential for feeling alive!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Chocolate Milk

I love chocolate milk. I do. I think it's one of those vices that just makes life a little sweeter for me. But by chocolate milk...I don't mean just any kind. It needs to be Nesquik. It is very important to me. Generic just doesn't cut it and in fact it makes me angry to drink it- the opposite of the sensation I am looking for in the first place!


So what about the generic version of "love"? Not necessarily love in it's purest form, but the side effects- things like holding hands, snuggling (remember I hate the word cuddle), and even kissing. Sometimes it just feels good enough to drink the generic version of love with someone you aren't emotionally involved with and revel in it's side effects.


I can't choose when I get to fall in real love. Movie love will come and go, but real love...that's the Nesquik. It will be an incredible day when I can feel the love I've always wanted and hoped for, but in the mean time, sometimes I'll just have to deal with the generic...and sometimes even that can taste really good.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Mr. Right....now?

You know, the past couple days I've been on this kick with just "meeting Mr. Right now...no need for Mr. Right!" I thought maybe if I just didn't take things so seriously eventually I'd meet a Mr. Right now and slowly and naturally the now would fade away.

But today I felt so sick. And when I'm sick, I just sometimes wish someone was there to take care of me. A Mr. Right would have been great today.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

My turn!

I have a movie lust crush. It's true.

This is how it happened.

My super sweet friend Heather and I decided to hit up the Kelly Clarkson concert Thursday night. It was amazing. She is lovely. While we were waiting for Kelly, there were 5 bands/People that played 1 song each as part of a Utah's got talent type thing. The band that won is called Imagine Dragons. While the final prep steps for Kelly were happening, a super cute boy came up to Heather and I and gave us a flier about Imagine Dragons performing at a local club the next night. I didn't have plans...he was cute...I was so there.

So last night...I decided to do it. I was going to find him and I was going to talk to him.

I was nervous. When I was younger this was no big deal. I would go up to guys all the time and even ask them out. Then, after a few failed relationships I decided to just let them come to me. If they were interested, they could do the work, and if they weren't it saved me a lot of heart ache. BUT, he was too cute for me not to do anything about.

So first, I made friends with the merchandise people, who also happened to manage the band. I told them about said cute boy, and they jumped at chance to help me find him. After a couple hours, and leaving Velour (club) to go to Sammy's (different club) and coming back, I gathered the courage. He was right next to me. I wanted to say Hi but one of the opening bands would not end their song! It felt like forever! But it ended...deep breaths...and I did it.

Turns out he is even more cute after talking to him. Sometimes it definitely doesn't work out that way! Imagine Dragons even helped me out by playing a slow song and suggesting we slow dance. Perfect. Then, the end of the night came. Goodbye cute boy. Oh but wait...he asked for my number!!

This could be the start of something good...or just a movie lust crush. Either way...it's fun to feel butterflies :)

Friday, June 12, 2009

Movie Love

Remember when you were younger and you'd see in movies how the boy and girl would accidentally bump into each other in their high school hallway, books spilling everywhere, and as they bend to pick up the mess of homework assignments their hands touch and BAM! they're in love? Remember how you wished that could happen to you?

OK...maybe it was just me.

But I wanted it. Growing up I've always said that I never believed in love. That I knew life was not a fairy tale and that relationships were rough and full of rocky roads. But deep down inside....I still hoped. I hoped for movie love.

The more I think about movie love however, the more I understand that it truly is an illusion. Just like the movie in which the love story develops, movie love will end. Those fireworks will stop exploding, the butterflies will disappear, the kisses will have less spark, and your significant others eyes will lose that sparkle you once saw so bright.
So now what?

*True love. True love is what I want. The kind of love where you choose to be there. You choose to sacrifice who you are and what you want because you want so much for the other person to be happy. The kind where you can cry and laugh together and no matter what, you know they're in it for the long haul, because you are too. The kind that can bring more happiness and joy that movie love could ever bring. I want that love. And I believe in it.


Jeff Koons 'Hanging Heart'


*Based on thoughts from "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Amazing. Read it. Now.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Verdict

Well, I planned to go with sexy blond as most of you voted was my best look (and I agree) but things went a little differently at the salon. Basically, my hair just wouldn't get to the ideal color without being damaged to a point where it would start to break off. So, being that I would rather have darker hair than no hair, this is the outcome:


I don't hate it. It's healthy. It's shiny. And after my next appointment...it will be blond. So there you go. The picture isn't completely in focus and makes me look like I glow in the dark, but at least you get the basic hair color idea.
On to more important things.
As I was cycling at the gym the other night, I started to listen in a conversation between dark haired guy and no haired guy. From what I gathered, dark hair guy is engaged and just wanted to hear from no haired guy that he was doing the right thing. Basically, dark hair guy ultimately felt like he didn't have the passion about his Lindsey (fiance) as he had about past girlfriends, but it's too late now and he's at the point where he should get married, so why not right? No haired guy thinks he is making a big mistake and should marry someone that he loves just as much as she loves him.
Ummmm, excuse me...but I don't really want to marry someone that has luke warm feelings about me. I want him to be excited and be passionate about me and just feel ready and happy. Maybe she'll never know the difference and they'll end up in love and happy. Who knows. I just hope that conversation doesn't go the same way for my future fiance.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Golden Rule...s.

Lately, as I venture to the gym every day, I get to study the interactions of the human species in regards to the male and female dynamic. I did notice something that I think most women have a problem with; presenting yourself outwardly to the kind of people you want to attract.

There was a beach blond-orange skinned-dark eye make- up girl next to me on Saturday and guess who comes sauntering up to her within the first 10 min she was on the machine? That's right, the quintessential meat head- fried brain cells- fauxhawk -gym guy. They were perfect for each other.

If that's not the kind of person you're looking for, then its important to be careful and take the time to dress in a manner so the people you do desire will be attracted to you.

First dates especially are key because you can only make a first impression once. Here are a few rules that I find helpful:

1. Shower! OK, so it seems obvious, but sometimes we are in a hurry and think, "My hair isn't THAT greasy." Yes it is. Wash it. Smells are very important in attracting potential mates, so at least be clean!
2. Heels. Wearing heels may not always be your cup of tea, but it shows the guy that you care and wanted to look special. Plus, your calves look amazing. It's true.
3. Be comfortable. Like me, I'm sure you stress about that first date outfit. But the most important thing is to pick something you feel comfortable and confident it. There is no sense in wearing that tight revealing shirt when you'll just be adjusting all night and being worried about where things are. Find something YOU feel good in!
4. Don't over accessorize. Too much bling can detract from your face and let's be honest, most guys have a short attention span anyway so don't wear too many shiny things that will distract him. Plus, you could come off as high maintenance.
5. Take emergency supplies. Even if you don't end up needing hairspray, a brush, eyeliner, or lipstick...bring it anyway. This way, in case something happens you have your first aid kit AND you don't have to be worried about being unprepared.

So those are a few rules I follow. Hopefully they help! Most importantly, just be you :)

Monday, June 8, 2009

Put me in Coach!

June 6th came, and June 6th went.



As you know, I've been sidelined from the dating game due to a wounded heart. Saturday I put myself back in for awhile and I must say the expectations I did not have were exceeded.



My awesome friend Erin decided to set me up with U. First, it is important to note that he actually called me. As in, he picked up the phone, dialed, and used his voice to ask me out! This has become somewhat of an anomaly these days with emails and texting, which in my opinion is ridiculous. A+ on that.



He picked me up at 5:30 (on time) and we headed to dinner. He gave me the option to choose which I appreciated but we ended up at the first Italian restaurant we saw. It was lovely. Next we were off to the Real Salt Lake soccer game. I had never been to a professional soccer name. People go nuts there. And excuse me...did someone say David Archuletta?! He had a free concert after the game! I think U was more excited about that than I was. It was cute.



After the game we met up with Erin and her fiance for ice cream. It was so good to see her and catch up...and she looked as gorgeous as ever. It's so funny how with some people no matter how long its been you can pick up right where you left off. Loved it.



After that we took the long drive back home. The most interesting thing about this date is that I walked away knowing almost as much as I knew about him when he came. Close to nothing. But...we were talking the entire time. I can't quite figure out what it was that we talked about...but I do remember it was fun. We definitely bonded over our love of 80's pop music which I'm not sure there is a stronger bond to be made.



So, my final assessment: I had a great time. I appreciated very much the efforts he made for me and I hope that I made his time worth while. Sometimes I think we (women) don't give enough credit to the guys for taking us out. So to U, and any guys who feel unappreciated, I offer my sincere thanks. U was kind, sweet, and made me laugh. I would definitely do it again.

Friday, June 5, 2009

I'll read you

Last night I had dinner with my good friend P, Joanne, and Chris. J&C presented me with my very own "real" first ever book. It's a hardback that contains my first 100 posts of this blog. It truly is incredible. Holding it in my hands gives me a sense of accomplishment. I did this. I wrote these words. It's a high that I need to find again...good thing I'm starting my first book soon :)

I love blogging. It really is just a fancy word for keeping a journal. As I was looking through the pages, I could just see the changes I've made so clearly. I am different...I am better. Seeing where I've been as opposed to having only a flicker of memories makes me appreciate so much more the design and shape my life has taken.

Writing has such a tangibility that everyone should experience in their life. Although you may not think so, people want to read your story. Your life is interesting because it doesn't belong to anyone else. I want to read who you are.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Dear everyone I've ever known....

Relationships in any capacity are fascinating to me.

I wonder how different my life would be had I not encountered every single person I've ever met. I'm sure for some of them, like the person who bagged my groceries, or the cashier at the gas station, my life would have turned out just the same had I not crossed their path. But when I think about my 6th grade teacher who pushed me to work harder, or my dance coaches who were there for me every competition, or my best girl friend I met in college, who would I have been without them?

Even in my romantic life there are people I needed to experience. I needed to meet horrible verbally (and probably physically had I stuck around long enough) abuse guy so I would know that not only was I strong enough to leave, but that I would never allow myself to be treated that way.

Ultimately I'm grateful for all of them. Of course I have insecurities, but generally I think I can be proud of the person I am. Thanks world! ;)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Food Baby

I didn't feel well this morning.


Last night my friend P (it's been forever since I've mentioned him, but we've become great friends!) and I went out to dinner. I'm pretty sure I ate my weight in greasy fast food. So when I got home I ate Tums like candy and went to bed. My poor body had a night of tossing and turning. This morning I called in and told work I'd be there later than normal.


Now they are all convinced I'm prego with morning sickness.


Although I am not... I think I should still throw a No-Baby Baby shower. And everyone can bring presents. I could really use some new pumps.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Different strokes for different folks

Growing up my parents taught us not to focus on material aspects.

"Experiences are more important things," my Mom used to say.

I agree with this sentiment. But that doesn't mean money isn't important.

I'll be completely honest and tell you that when I'm dating someone, their future plan with regards to finances is something I care about. I don't need a big fancy car or a massive house on the hill. I don't need to buy designer clothes or fine jewelry. I do very much want a few things though....

1. I want to be able to give my future children the opportunity to find their passion. I love dancing so much. More than I could ever express. But there was always a part of me that knew it was really expensive and I felt like a burden to my parents on many occasions because of it. I would be lying if I said my decision to stop competing had nothing to do with the monetary aspect.

2. I want to be able to take my family on vacations. Although my parents didn't have a lot, somehow my Mom made it a point to travel with us. Those are some of my most sacred memories.

3. I want to help people. I would love to start a non-profit foundation that raises money for women suffering from depression and anxiety. It would put funds toward drug research and therapy for those who can not afford it.

I believe in traditional values. I want a husband who will provide for my family. Of course I plan on having finishing my education and furthering my career. I know this is something that differs for each individual. But for me? I want to feel some kind of security.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Where are you?

It's amazing what the morning can do after a night full of darkness.



I thought I had moved on. Last week, he asked me to read a book about love. In that conversation he gave the implication that maybe...we could try again.



As I read the book I became full of hope. Hope for love, and hope for loving him. Days passed and the hope grew as I turned the pages. I decided I could do it. We could do it.



I don't know what changed, or why things turn out the way they do. He didn't want to try again. He made that clear. My heart felt broken...again.



But today....today is better than yesterday. By miles.



Although he wont let me love him....I feel hopeful that I can love someone else. He'll be lucky....when I find him.

Surprised? Me too.

I imagine being truly rejected feels much like being buried alive.

A part of you is terrified of what may happen. You're confused, scared, anxious. You can't breathe and your chest gets heavier by the second. You keep asking why this is happening to you and what you did to deserve having to go through this experience.

This is how I felt tonight. Completely and utterly rejected by someone that holds a part of my heart.

I'm in pieces. I'll tell you why tomorrow.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Double the c, double the s, then you've learned to spell Success

I've been thinking about writing this post all day. Initially I wanted to write about trust and honesty: two vital components of making a relationship survive. Not only survive, but successful as well.

Then I wondered...what is the definition of a "successful relationship"?

In a previous post I said that I no longer believed the relationships in my life that have ended were failures. But are they successes?

Ive decided this: any relationship where you learn something that in some way can help you better yourself equals a successful relationship.

It is a far reaching statement when you think about relationships ending in divorce or even relationships that involved abuse. But when you walked away...when you decided to take whatever path you chose...did you leave knowing that you were going to be a better person? When it wasn't your decision to end that chapter of your life did you look back and keep bitter feelings inside wishing things could be different or did you think about what you could do differently to not make the same mistakes?

I do believe that the end of relationships requires a grieving process. But then you pick up the pieces, and decide to make that previous relationship a "successful" one.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Let's go fishing!

Alright people, there is still time to vote! And for all you boys out there who would never admit to reading my blog, make sure to vote :) I will be making my decision...in the future. Ha.


Ok..so couple things.


1. June 6 I have tentative plans. With a boy. More details to come. You'll enjoy this story.


2. Remember Reasons to Run? WELL, I have one today- but this one is for the guys. This came about when I was getting my nails done the other day and this chick was on her phone, making sure everyone could hear. From what I gathered, she was talking to some guy that she met online but hadn't met in person. Basically all I could get from it all is that she doesn't eat pork, but her friend Stacy loves it, but phone call guy loves pork and makes pork that doesn't taste like pork. Deep stuff huh? However, this is not the most annoying part. Which leads me to today's Reason to Run:


12. If your chick LOVES to fish for compliments- let someone else do the high maintaining.




Seriously though, she kept talking herself down so she could just hear him say how great she was. I don't know about you, but this is for sure one of my least favorite characteristics about people. I think it could be for two reasons, A. She has low self esteem. And in my personal opinion, you should love yourself first before you can fully love someone else or B. She really does need that validation which totally equals super high maintenance. So girls don't do it, and boys- feel free to have my permission to run.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Bringing sexy back

I've gotten sick of feeling unattractive. I don't know if this is a byproduct of my break ups, but I haven't felt up to par lately. So...I decided to do something about it. I've been going to the gym as often as possible (5 days last week..hope to make it 6 this one!), I went and got a tanning pass (I love being pale, but sometimes I need a little summer color), I got my nails done, and I plan on changing my hair. Problem is, I don't know what to change it to! So...here are the options, and I need your help in deciding! Remember...this time we are just deciding on color. Look to your right and you'll find a place for your opinion- so please vote!

Option 1 (No, I can't date him...he is my cousin!)

Option 2- My fancy Niece!

Option 3- My baby sister!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Square peg, round hole

I had a major break through yesterday.

I had been texting an Ex about a couple of things and I was just so frustrating that I still haven't been able to completely let go and every time we speak I have feelings of sadness and anxiety about what could have happened... but didn't. We were actually talking about how he had become friends with a girl I went to high school who's become a pretty sketchy chick. I was frustrated that these are the kinds of people he spends his time with. You are who your friends are.

What it really comes down to is that I was still sad that he didn't want me. I tried so hard to be everything I could for him and put so much effort into the relationship. I loved him.

But then as I was driving last night it just hit me. Every time I talk to him I get so upset about things he does or people he is with or the way he lives his life. All this time I'd been upset about this person he could have been but wasn't. I wanted him to be my perfect guy...when he just wasn't. He ISN'T! So why continue wishing I could be with someone I saw so much potential in when that isn't the person he is?! That isn't what I want! I want to be with someone that is my perfect fit. I don't want to force the puzzle piece in when it just doesn't go there.

I feel done. It feels over. And I am so grateful for that.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Take it back!

One of the hardest things about falling in love is fearing the unknown. You never really KNOW how things are going to work out.

When I go to Nordstrom and find the perfect little black dress and come home to realize that it does in no way conceal that spare tire, I can take it back...because I have a receipt. When I pay for love, through time, devotion, loyalty, etc. I don't get a receipt and I can never take it back. This is a risk we all have to take every time we open a door to the possibilities of falling in love.

Being the overly analytical person that I am, with a dash of loving to be in control, I have to think about all aspects before I make a decision. I tend to not be very spontaneous and I love to know every step of my plan. Even when it comes to making plans with friends, I NEED to know what day, exactly what time, exactly with who, and exactly where. Otherwise I am less than inclined to participate.

So maybe thats what it really boils down to. I've had experiences in the past where I've opened up and fallen completely in love only to realize in the end that as much as I wish I could take it back, I can't. I'm just too afraid of the lack of return policy.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

All I really want...

Well, today I'm having a mild case of writer's block. I guess when you're trying to diet it just sucks the awesome away. So instead...feel free to enjoy this little gem:



Mallory (left) + Bailey (right) + Las Vegas + Plus laughing Syd in the background= Amazing.

About 1:02 is where it gets particularly incredible, in my humble opinion.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Stop flirting!

I've discovered my comfort zone is slightly different than most.

Saturday night I went to a bon fire with some friends and I had to stop myself from reverting to old habits: finding a cute boy and sparking conversation. This is what I've always done and being that I want to take a break from dating, I had to find a way to enjoy the night without batting my eyelashes. Funny right? I mean, I guess I've just built this little wall around me and will only open the gates to potential dating prospects. You'd think it would be the opposite.

It does make sense though. I've really never had great friendships with females. I tend to get along with guys better. I think part of it is sometimes I feel so intimidated by other women. Is that weird? I guess I just assume they wont like me and will be judgemental...which I guess is a judgment in itself. Hmm.

So this week my plan is to branch out and working on developing my friendships. I think at the very least in the long run this will be beneficial to me mentally and emotionally.

Friday, May 15, 2009

I'm not kidding...

So T invited me to go camping this weekend. Camping. Me.

Those of you who know me in real life know that for me, camping is like a scary Motel 6 in Idaho. So this should be interesting. But...as part of my new positive outlook on life (yes, I've decided to have one) I'm going to try new things. So camping it is.

Hopefully I'll have pictures to document this baby step...and hopefully I won't refuse to put them up because I look like a bear mauled me in the night. Wish me luck.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Give me drugs or give me death

The past couple days have been rough. I had an intense migraine Wednesday and I don't think I've ever had a headache like that before. So..I took a bunch of drugs and figured I would sleep it off. Thursday I come to work and about 4 hours in I start losing my vision. I don't know if losing is the right word...but basically it felt like I was looking at a reflecting pool. So that went on for awhile and then my whole left hand went numb. Needless to say I was pretty freaked out...so I called my Dad. I think no matter how old I get, when I'm freaked out I'll always call my Daddy.

So my Dad gets a nurse on the line and I explain to her the issues and she says to go to the Emergency Room. No thanks. So I went home and hoped that if I just slept it would go away. Well the sleeping helped...and so did the IB Profen.

So here I am at work today...drugged up and hoping it will get me through the day. I hate being "out of commission." I'm already feeling like I'm being unproductive without school, so the least I can do is work!!

Update on the date canceler...still no word from him. I'm basically done with that. I really don't deserve the run around. I don't care that much if he doesn't want to go out with me, but don't make a fool out of me by not telling me what is going on. We can most likely chalk it up to him having less than stellar communication skills. Oh well. Moving on.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Not the best night ever...

Well...he canceled. Shocked? I'm not really. I kind of had a feeling it would happen. He said we might be able to do it Thursday. I guess we will see...I'm kinda bummed. Sigh....

I've had a massive headache the past few hours that's started to lighten up...thank heaven.

Change it up

Tomorrow I've decided to take a slightly different approach than some of my normal first dates. I think it's because so far...I am interested in this one (as opposed to not knowing if I'm interested at all!)

I've always been good at flirting. I don't know why. It's just a gift. I actually met my ex Derek while I was giving a flirting lesson to my old roommates. I know, right? So anyway, flirting...and being charming and witty...those come naturally. However...I have a few tendencies to do some less than stellar things...

1. I can be too sarcastic. Sometimes it seems that if my sarcasm were fire I would light the entire room. I have to be careful with this because A. Sometimes people don't understand it and B. They don't know me well enough and it can seem rude and off putting.
2. Sometimes I can be rude and off putting. I don't mean it! I swear! I think sometimes I can't hear my tone of voice or hear how things sound and I just sound like a bitter single adult man hater. I'm not!
3. I'll hold off on saying any compliments I feel. I've come to the conclusion that I do this because then I am vulnerable. They now have the ball in their court so to speak. But I think I should just say it. Who doesn't like a compliment?

I'll let you know how my new "techniques" work out. Cross your fingers!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Magic day

My weekend was pretty uneventful, but pleasant. Basically kept myself busy...did a little retail therapy, hit up the gym, and got my nails done. Sometimes I feel like I'm too high maintenance for myself.

So..I have a date this Wednesday. Wednesday seems like the magic day for me I guess. I'm excited for this one. I'm trying to be realistic about things but at the same time be open to something new. I've found myself just not even wanting to go out because I'm thinking I just don't want to go through it all again. I figure if I feel right about it I should just go for it. I guess we will just wait and see!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Lucky me

In the past couple weeks I've talked to 2 friends from my past....they just got divorced. This is a trend I've been experiencing for the past year or so. Friends whose weddings I attended making the transition back into the single world they thought they would never know again.

I must say, as lonely as I get, as hard as it has been to end relationships, I would not trade that for having a marriage that didn't last.

These are good people. Good people who in some situations are divorced because of the actions of their partner. I am in no way making a judgment about anyone who is divorced. However, I would bet that none of them would have ever asked to go through a divorce.

I am lucky this is not a trial I have experienced...and hope more than anything not to experience.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Professional Fat Dater

Well, it's been an interesting morning. I've been working out consistently for the past 2 weeks. So when I weighed myself this morning, imagine my delight when I saw the scale go UP! That's right. Working out makes me gain weight. Ugh.

I was able to see my final grades for last semester today. I've done better, but I've done worse. Oh well.

So...I "forgot" to mention...I had a date last night. Honestly, I don't even know how it happened. One minute I'm talking about wanting to see a movie, and the next I have a dinner and a movie date for Wednesday. I think we can officially consider me a Professional Dater. Not to be confused with Professional Relationship Haver. It was fun, and T was very nice. Wolverine rules. It's weird having to continue with letters again. I'm still having reservations. I'm just not ready yet. I thought maybe if I just put my foot in the door I would start feeling more ready. But maybe just not quite yet. I still miss Nate. I do fine during the day but when night comes I start to get emotional about it again. It's weird. I hope that won't continue very much longer.

And...big news here...for the first time ever...I got hit on at the gym. Yes. Me. And get this...he wasn't a total creeper. In fact, he seemed fairly normal and nice. Of course not only am I a Professional Dater, but I'm also a Professional Social Media User and found him on Facebook. And I didn't even know his last name. I'm so amazing...or there is really something wrong with me. Take your pick.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Training Wheels

I've always felt like when my romantic relationships didn't work that I was a failure. I would constantly think about what I could have done differently. Maybe if I was more thoughtful, or more caring, or didn't worry so much. Maybe if I was more kind, made more jokes, listened better. I would begin to think about the superficial; he didn't want me because I wasn't thin enough. Maybe if I had blond hair, or if I was taller. Maybe I needed a tan or had better legs. Whatever the case, especially when I was younger, I would obsess about these things which would only lead to a self destructive spiral of sadness.

But not anymore. I don't think the relationships I've had, or the fact that they didn't last, makes me a failure. Every relationship we have is a part of our relationship training wheels. We learn things. We practice. And someday, when we are ready, we can graduate to a big girl (or boy) bike. At first it can be a little scary but it will be exciting and new and before we know it, we are going faster and faster.

I remember a few years ago a friend of mine was engaged and she told me her fiance said "what's wrong with Bailey? why isn't she married?" or something to that extent. FIRST off, I was only 19! Second, no one has the right to pass judgement on me, especially when they barely know me. And third, everyone is different. Although it doesn't make me happy, I would be lying if I didn't have a small piece of vindication knowing that she and her husband are barely speaking and their relationship has lost its honeymoon lust.I wasn't in support of their relationship as I thought they rushed into things (probably the reason he didn't like me).

I guess what I mean is that I'd rather wait. I'd rather have my training wheels on longer than be in a place that doesn't allow me to feel and be the best person I can be.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Church day hey baby hey

This weekend has been good. I don't dread the weekends the way I used to when I was younger and single. I think I just need to make an effort and I'll have things to do, as opposed to just waiting for people to invite me to things.

I went to a movie with my little brother Friday night. It was perfect. Good movie and good company. It's just nice sometimes to be with people who you know exactly who and what you are. Putting on a mask and a happy face can be tiresome when I'm not 100% quite yet.

Tonight I went with Josh to dinner and then he was kind enough to come with me to some family things. Josh is the friend everyone needs. He fills in for any events when I don't have a boyfriend. I'm sure he doesn't know how much that means to me. But it means a lot.

I'm ready for church tomorrow. There is just something about being consumed in spirituality that is very uplifting. Then back to the real world. Which is fine. Just wish it didn't start at 7 am

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Too tired for tears

My thoughts are really convoluted today. I guess we will see what comes out.

I do feel lonely. Mostly I'm just afraid that my flaws are too great and no one will ever want to accept those as a part of me.

The rain keeps pouring. Not necessarily for me, but for my family. So much is happening, so many lives changed, so many emotions. I've turned mine off. I stop myself from crying because I just can't do it anymore. I'm too tired. I don't have the energy.

I have no desire to date. None. I want to work on finding new things to focus on. Do service. Take care of myself. Feel good.

I wish I didn't love Dr. Pepper so much. It's made me fat. I feel the same way about candy. You'd think after the waking up with wrappers stuck to my legs incident that I would have had a wake up call. Nope. Still love it. So much.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I'm not a believer

It's been an interesting week. I would say I've been OK post break-up. Not great, not good, but OK. And as long as things aren't getting worse I'm grateful.

Today would be our anniversary. Nate and mine that is. I wouldn't have even remembered (I have been trying not to dwell on anything) except I set a reminder on my phone! I'm retahded. That's right, with a Boston accent. Retahded.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. I really can't remember what it feels like to be in love anymore. I remember how it feels to lust, to crush, to like a lot, but I don't remember how love feels. It makes me sad. Especially since I've almost given up on love for me. I believe in love still, but I don't know if I believe in it for me anymore. Maybe it's just not in the cards for me. Everyone around me keeps saying to hold on, it will come. But they don't know that! Who knows, I could very well be the next Susan Boyle. All alone and frumpy.


Monday, April 27, 2009

Broken Heart Rehab

So I've been really stoked on writing this post...I rushed home from work so I could write. First off, I need to apologize for however long this post will be. Normally I get bored if posts are super long and stop reading, so I'm sorry!

Alright, so these past few days my thoughts have really settled around the puzzle pieces of relationships. I just kept thinking, how could things with Nate not have worked out? We had all the pieces it seemed. We liked being together. We made each other laugh. We have the same morals and values. We were on the same wave length as far as having children and finances etc etc. So why didn't it work?

This had been consuming me up until yesterday. I talked to Nate online and asked him if he thought we were done forever. Ultimately what I got out of the conversation was that he was pretty over me. I was so sad because I thought we both were still wanting to be together, but it seems that isn't the case. Maybe the break up made us both see our feelings for what they really were. I cared more than I thought, and I guess he didn't care as much as he thought.

Initially this made me really sad, and yet AGAIN, I cried myself to sleep. But this morning I felt like I'd had some sort of closure. If he doesn't want to be with me, then there is no reason for me to keep wishing and hoping. Maybe we did have a lot of those puzzle pieces there...but not all of them.

I'm not saying I'm fine now. It still makes me sad and of course, I'm still a little damaged. But at least now I can move on and begin the BHR- broken heart recovery. On a side note, there should be a rehab center for broken hearts. I'll dedicate it to Cody and Berkeley for no other reason than Berkeley's married name sounds like a funeral home slash rehab: Berkeley Hill.


It wouldnt be a rehab without Amy.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Don't think, just sleep

The hardest part post break-up for me are the nights. I try to keep myself busy during the day so I don't have too much time to dwell on any thoughts that will sink my heart, but at night...it seems unavoidable.

As fun as distractions can be, at the end of the day, none of them are Nate.

I also feel pretty alone. The comments on here really help because I feel like in real life...I've always been the dating slash relationship kind of girl. So when that is over I'm left without anyone. At least no friends to take care of me and tell me it's going to be ok. So thanks e-friends for pulling through (for reals) it means a lot.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I hate this part

I'm not sure when this post will actually make it up...but I guess I'm back to the dating world.

The past couple days it hit my like a ton of bricks. Things just weren't right. It just so happens that at the exact same time Nate felt the exact same way. We both prayed about it and feel like breaking up is the right thing to do.

I'm typing through tears so thank goodness for spell check. I haven't decided which is worse- getting dumped by someone that you barely cared about, or breaking up mutually with someone you care deeply about.

My biggest fear is that I'll never find someone who treated me the way Nate did. He was slash is amazing. I told him I'll be jealous of any girl that gets to be with him forever.

I know that everything will be fine. Through the sobs and the moments I'm having to take to remember to breathe, I know I'll be OK. I know he will too. I know that it will take time. Even though my heart wasn't maliciously broken, nor his, it's still broken nonetheless. I already miss him. I hope he can still be a part of my life.

Tonight though, I'm sad.

Monday, April 20, 2009

What do you know?

I was watching Dr. Phil last week (don't judge me!) and the whole show was about couples who are post "honeymoon days" and realize that in reality they don't know much about each other.




It really go me thinking- what does it really mean to know your significant other? I asked Nate awhile ago to tell me his favorite color just in case we were ever on a game show and I would get asked that question. But game show questions really don't say much about the kind of relationship you have. Well, I take that back. It probably shows the superficiality of your relationship.

Maybe I can rattle off Nate's favorite kind of car, or favorite vacation spot. Maybe I know his favorite brand of clothing or ice cream flavor. But why does that matter? It can be nice to know to show that I can listen, or maybe that I am thoughtful when I surprise him with a few of his favorite candy bars.

But if I really cared, I'd probably know what his morals and values are. I'd know what things are most important to him. I'd know what he is a afraid of and what he loves the most. I'd know how he feels about politics and finances. I'd learn what his dreams and aspirations are. These are the things that matter. They matter because we need to have some sort of commonality (beyond the surface interests)to make our relationship successful.

Maybe I don't know what his favorite number is or what movie he will watch over and over (Muppet's in Space) but I know that we have the same goals and ideals. And I'd rather have that as our foundation than one that stands on our equal love of Dr. Pepper.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Surprise!

If I had to choose one quality about myself that would get an F- it would definitely have to be patience.

I am always pushing to have things be done, to move and to go and get results! In some aspects of my life it's great! I work hard in whatever career path I've put myself on. I don't procrastinate in my school assignments (at least not to the nervous break down point). However, it's a whole different ball game when it comes to relationships in any context.

I love to know things. I love to know things right now. I always think about how much I would love to see what my future holds for me. But in reality...I'm positive it's better not to. Not only would I not learn important lessons specifically designed for me, but I would probably be terrified of all the scary things and would just want to eat my feelings.



I think what I need to do is just embrace the elements of surprise. Life is full of them, and they are going to pop up whether I like it not. So might as well roll with the punches and throw that confetti.

Coming Up ...

So, I'm planning on posting Part 3 soon, and if you're new please go here first (so it all makes sense :)



But before I do, I just want to explain why I've decided to share this part of my life. First of all, it does effect my relationships, which obviously is a part of my dating life. More importantly though, I just want to show people who may be struggling with the same issues that they aren't the only ones. I'm not looking for a pity party in any way. I've come to terms that these things are and will continue to be a part of my life. I just hope that maybe people who have the same issues can gain something from my story.



Sooo...will post continuations on those posts soon.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Not the evil one

I think having this blog has helped me to really start recognizing changes in myself.

Whenever things happen, I think about how to blog it all. And even when I can't think of something specific to write about, It forces me to evaluate things in my life.

This week I've been thinking a lot about not turning small problems into big ones. I think that has always been hard for me because I was so concerned about the other person and not upsetting them, or hurting them, etc. but not realizing that had I talked to them earlier on, things wouldn't have been blown out of proportion.

I have a good communicative relationship with S. And that makes me happy. I know that I can talk to him about things that are bothering me, and I think he feels the same. We are still learning to adjust to each other and I think we both still have the fear of upsetting the other and having them run away, but in time I think we will learn that it's OK to talk.

If this doesn't make sense (I think it does, but just in case) it's because fumes are currently being pumped into my office courtesy of the mechanics. Feeling goooood now! ;)

Also, I'm sick of calling him S ....his real name is Nate... not to worry though, it's not evil nate. It's cute amazing awesome boyfriend Nate: