Color to Black and White...Again

I'm feeling a little better than yesterday. Which is how things will go...better than the day before. I'm praying not to have any hard feelings, to be able to endure the part that is deeply hurt, and to still find some hope that not all all my relationships will end up in disappointment. I'm needing to push out thoughts of "real" reasons he did this, as opposed to the ones he told me about. Really, we are at different places in our lives. I've felt so much heart break. So much. I can truly appreciate how hard it is to find a connection with someone. To be able to feel right, to laugh, to smile, and even to be sad with someone. It truly is a rare commodity. But there is opposition in all things and we cannot know sugar without knowing the bitter taste. I know he'll figure it out, just like I did.

It really is a weird feeling to have your little world turned upside down in 10 minutes. It seems to trivial looking from an outside perspective, but feeling such intensity when it's so real to feel. I cannot hope for things to change in this situation. I cannot dream of him changing his mind and being able to value me. If I do, I cannot progress. The only thing worse than a broken heart is sustaining one.

Just a little Heart Broken

SO- I just got broken up with. More details to come. Just spent an hour in the bathroom crying. Not a happy girl.

In case you were curious.....

This is Nate and I - otherwise known as J, at my cousin Berkeley's wedding reception :)

Winter Freaking Wonderland

So, my sister gave me the pictures from my cousins wedding (good) but in all the ones with J, I look super tired (bad). After I do a little photo shop I'll post them! :)

Can we please talk about how horrible driving in the snow is? A trip that would normally take me 15 min today...took me about an hour. Didn't really have any near death experiences, but my anxiety level was through the roof! Excited for one more work day, then no more driving for me for at least a week!! That's what Dad's and cute boyfriends are for ;)

There are a lot of things going through my head today which mostly include the following: lack of self esteem, needing to figure out my monetary situation, making sure I'm being a good "significant other," finishing projects for work, Christmas shopping, and this list goes on and on. However, I really don't feel like un-filing all my brain cabinets today, so I'll just add a few more to my reasons why I like J list. Also.......his real name.......is..........NATE!

21. He tells me he misses me. It's nice to be missed.
22. He changed his status on facebook. "No longer listed as single." Ha ha...what has the world come to?!
23. He likes sugary cereals....as do I.
24. He is moving here in January!! (not sure if I've already said this one, but if so, I'm doubly happy about it.)
25. He truly is a nice, sweet person.

Feel free to ask any questions about Nate, or any other aspect for my life. I don't mind answering...even if my Mom does read this.

New Years Stupid

This really won't be a calculated post, as they usually tend to be. I'm just needing to vent some frustrations. J told me tonight that he may need to go to a party with his parents New Years Eve...which means I won't be with him. I feel like it's kind of a big thing for me to be coming to California to visit and I figured at least we'd be together that day. I don't know, maybe I feel like my feelings aren't being considered? But I know that's not the case, so I guess at this point I cant really articulate what exactly bothers me about the situation. One thing I don't understand is why I wouldn't be invited to go? I guess being that I haven't met them yet is a small part. Maybe after spending time with them that could change. I understand this is the first time in two years he has been able to spend the holidays with his family, so I'm really trying not to be difficult. In this moment though, I do feel disappointed. I need time to really evaluate the situation first so I don't say or do things out of emotion. I'm sure by tomorrow this will no longer be on the top of my list of frustrations.

A long way to happy....or just a few weeks.

SO- I wish I would have blogged as soon as the weekend was over because it was INCREDIBLE. I had the best best time with J. He is so great and sweet and Friday night we had our first kiss :) It was better than I could have imagined and it was just great being able to have time to actually be together! (as opposed to texting, which every day gets less and less sufficient). I'm going California the 27th of this month...but it seems so far away!!

Happy news on another note- I just got 100% on my final tonight! Seriously!! 100%! In a 3000 level class! I know right?! Pretty much I'm the shiz.

HOWEVER, I'm sort of bumming out now that I'm here alone with no J to celebrate with me. Also, some chick he met in institute wants to take him up on an offer he made a month ago about going to this shopping center with her. He hasn't decided if he wanted to go, he asked what I thought. What do I say to that? WELL, I said he should just decide and that I'd support whatever he did. At the time it was true, but the more I think about the more jealous I get :( He told me he wasn't interested in her at all and thinks maybe she just wants to go as friends because she doesn't know where this shopping center is. I believe that he isn't interested, but not convinced she thinks it's a friends thing. I hate being a girl sometimes...it isn't a big deal!! Just friends right? I wish I was there to go with him :(

Grrrrrr....long distance is retarded. If he wasn't moving here in a few weeks I don't think I could do this. But lucky for me he is and that makes me very happy :)

So, I think I might start talking more about my personal life in this blog...more than just relationships. Spice things up...keep you interested. What do you think? Not sure if anyone cares to read what I write let alone learn more about who I am. Meh, we'll see.

Next post....I might reveal who J is and post a pic or two...but only if you want to see :)

4 Tattoos

Ok, so I couldn't really sleep last night being that I was excited for today to come. Today means 1 more day until J gets here. So, normally I think I would be like, oh how cute, I want him to come so much I can't sleep. But it's not cute. I'm really tired and we all know how much I value sleep!! (pretty much number one on my priorities list). Not only could I not fall asleep, but when I did I had weird dreams about having tattoos. Is there anything significant about a tattoo that says Mr. Mango??! Yeah, I dunno, kinda creepy. And so here we are at work typing and sipping on my only reliable friend- Dr. Pepper.

I also had a conversation with I last night. We got some closure for the whole situation and I was really grateful we ended things on a positive note. He is a great guy and I only wish happy things for him.

So... to answer my favorite blog friend Julie...J is coming here for my cousins wedding. He is friends with the groom...it's how we met :) He is also moving here for spring semester at BYU, YAY! He is originally from California, which is why I'll be going there over New Years. Isn't it just a little better when you have someone to kiss at midnight? I think so. One time I kissed a random kid I never met, in front of my Dad. It was weird slash funny slash creepy. Anyways...More to add on to the things I like about J list!!

11. He texts me to tell me when he can't text me for a bit. I appreciate this!! I don't have to wonder if I said something to freak him out or if he died. I'd be sad if he died.
12. He doesn't think it's weird that I blog and is ok that I talk about him!! Sounds like someone is secure in their manhood! (ha ha)
13. He loved his mission. He served a mission for the LDS Church in Taiwan. So he speaks Mandarin. It's important to me that he loved it because it shows his commitment to the church.
14. He made me a CD of all his favorite love songs. Ok, totally know how this sounds, but it's not. I asked him once which ones were his favorite cause we were talking about Cody and Berks wedding song. So he said he had a lot of them....blah blah blah, made me a CD. So stoked to hear it.
15. He likes my dark hair. I like it too.
16. He is a communications major. As am I, which pretty much means we both love TV and can talk to each other.
17. He is close with his family. I like this because I am too. And I'm awesome. So he must be too.
18. He tells me stories when I can't fall asleep. Well he mostly texts me them but they are funny.
19. I told him I wasn't into facial hair so he shaved. He said he didn't do it for me...but come on...we all know he did.
20. He just sent me a text that said while he is here we should do nothing but cuddle, drink DP and watch good shows and movies. Pretty much my dream day ha ha.

J is a good letter right?

Maybe it's just the fact that I am deliriously happy that the end of the semester if approaching...or that J is coming into town this Thursday, to which I owe this feeling of immense excitement! Truth be told, it's probably a little bit of both!

We have been texting and IMing like mad people, technology is the shiz! I'm more excited when I think about him than I ever have been about anyone else...If you're a little weirded out by that, don't worry, so am I!

So, I'm going to make a list of things I like slash know about him so far. Maybe like 10 every post? Sounds good.

1. We have the same moral ideals and values. So important.
2. He loves The Office. Which of course you might think, "Who doesn't?" but sadly there are people who haven't seen the light.
3. Almost as crazy about Dr. Pepper as I am. Almost.
4. Likes to cuddle with me. He did say I was AMAZING at that. Which I kind thought was kind of weird slash funny.
5. He is much taller than me. Most people are taller- I'm an enormous 5'1, but he has a good foot on me I think!
6. He makes me laugh!! I would venture to say humor is one of my best qualities, but makes it hard to find people that can amuse me. He does. It's wicked awesome.
7. He isn't afraid to compliment me and say nice things to me.
8. He is best friends with Cody (cousin's fiance) and I love Cody. Cody, Cody, Cody.
9. He hates the cold (bad) but he says he'll brave it for me (good).
10. He is honest and open and can communicate with me!

This is so out of character for me to think this stuff let alone blog about it! I'm such a realist...but it's maybe kind of awesome to feel excited like this :)

And so it goes...

So.. I figure since I might have new readers since I began to blog...lemme explain. I date a lot. So far, probably not the best luck, but it's dating right? What can we expect? I started Summer of 2008, and began with the letter A. Currently, I'm on letter J. So far, so optimistic.

I've learned I'm really into self sabotage. Once I get excited about the prospect of new relationship, the realist in me starts to rationalize the feelings and not only suppress them, but justify their meaning. For example, he only likes me because he is on the rebound. And so on and so forth.

Sometimes I really do have a legitimate anxious feeling and know the that continuation of a relationship is not in my best interest, IE: I. It was so hard to have that conversation with him because I really do care. I care about his well being. I want him to be happy. I would never hurt him on purpose. And yet...hurting is just what I've done. I don't know about you, but for me? Letting go will never get easier.

Ex You!

Isn't it funny how life is? Of course, right when things start going well...an ex pops into my life. He text me to say hello, and all I hear is, hey remember how you still have feelings for me? Well, I'm here to make it harder for you...again! Yay! It's almost been 2 years since we've broken up...time to move on Bailey! I'm retarded.

I heart Texting

Not a ton of time to blog at the moment, so just a baby one. Can we please observe a moment of silence for the end of Thanksgiving break? .......So sad. I can't even tell you how much I needed the break. I went to California and spent the holiday with my Aunt and Cousin and her Fiance. So much fun, SO worth the drive. Also...happened to go on a date with J. I had actually met J a couple weeks ago when I was forced by Mom to go with Berkeley (cousin previously mentioned) and Cody (cousin's previously mentioned fiance). He seemed nice, but bowling and other chicks around wasn't really conducive to getting to know each other on a personal level.

So, happy to report we have so much in common!! Same music, same TV shows (we know how important my TV life is to me) and even same movies. Obviously trivial things, but enough for a jumping off point. He is currently in California which makes a slight dent, but he will be in town in a couple weeks and until then, texting is my bff.

I and I haven't spoken in about a week. I text him on Thanksgiving, but the correspondence was short lived. I think we both have an idea that we will only be continuing a friendship as opposed to anything romantic. I'm not sure if I should contact him via phone or email. I figure if he wanted to talk to me he would....but at the same time I don't want him to think I don't respect his feelings about the situation. He is a great person. I am a great person. Just maybe not great people together. Make sense?

In Love with Love

As far as relationships go, not much to blog about today. I'm still seeing I, we'll see what happens. I'm going to California for break- so excited! I might even go on a date or two while I'm there. Most of the interesting yet stressful topics in my current situation are school, work, and church. So so much going on there.

I still think about how much I want to be in love. I would say I have been in love before. But not the kind of love I'm looking for. Obviously those relationships didn't last. I want the kind of love that is mutual, kind, gentle, charitable, and forgiving. I see my cousin Berkeley with her fiance Cody (two of my favorite people) and I am so happy they found each other. I wouldn't say I am jealous, because I am truly so happy for them, it's more just wishing I could feel that way about someone, and have that in return.

Oh...someday right? It seems so much easier for everyone else. I'm starting to become the only single girl among the many bridal showers I have been invited to. About a year ago, I would say I was extremely depressed by this. However, I've come to respect the options I have and the opportunity to create goals and accomplish them on my own. Simply put, I am hopeful and content (most of the time :)

So remember E? This is him. Really great guy, but there just didn't seem to be any chemistry there. Always a little frustrating to run into that, but a good experience none the less.

Go away, Come back

It's been a good day so far. I was late to class...again...but come on, I'm already friends with the teacher and I didn't miss anything important, so I don't feel bad. Well, maybe a little since class doesn't start until 11:30 am and I STILL can't make it on time. Whatever.

So things with I are good. I was a little overwhelmed last week with "serious" conversations, and the amount of time we spent together; almost every day of the week. So, I told him I wanted some space, and this week we will probably get together twice. I'm OK with this. It reminds me of a song by Pink called Leave me alone, I'm lonely:

Go away, give me a chance to miss you,
say goodbye, it will make me want to kiss you.

You taste so sweet, but I can't eat
the same thing every day.

Obviously not all the words, but caution to those who listen to it...a little bad word here and there (worth it in my book ;)

We still laugh and have fun together and I'm enjoying our time as well as still having the freedom to date other men if I so choose. Baby steps right?

Well, at least it's Friday

I feel completely exhausted today. In every which way. Emotionally I feel drained and completely out of whack! I've got so much going through my head and it's just piling and piling with no real filter to put it in its proper place. Ultimate wish for the day would just be getting into bed and falling asleep; wake me up when it's over. Physically I could sleep for days, but what else is new? I've been trying to think positive thoughts all day, trying to make myself understand that I can control my emotions. However, I'm at the point where I'd rather just let it fall than keep pushing and pushing to the end of the uphill battle.

I feel like I never know what I want. Well, not completely true. I always want what I don't have. It's a horrible way to be!! Especially in relationships. I want a boyfriend, I want to be single, I want an open relationship, I want everyone to leave me alone forever! Guess who really needs some therapy?! (raising my hand)

So today...just trying to put aside my troubles and make it from moment to moment. In this particular moment I want a Dr. Pepper, I heart carbonated sugar death drinks.

It's ok, the world is right :)

A friend of mine said today that the world wouldn't be right if I wasn't dating someone. Am I a horrible person because that made me feel good? If I'm dating it must mean I'm not ugly, or have a terrible personality, or that I dress nasty...all good to not be those things right? I know what "people" say when you assume...but I don't care. I'll make an ass out of me...and it still looks great in jeans.

Dear Naps, I love you

It's been a few days since I've posted... so terrible. The week without I was great. Not that I wasn't glad to have him back, I just really needed the ME time and plus as mentioned in previous posts...my monthly episodes are a ride on the crazy train. So anyway, he got back last night and I didn't get to his place till around 10 and 5 min later its 3:00 am!! bah!! I will pretty much sacrifice almost anything for sleep so he should feel special. Note to self: make sure he knows I must like him to stay up that late! (also he should buy me ice cream) So, basically we are lucky I can even type right now with thoughts of my bed racing through my head. Dead. Lead. Said. (yeah, I don't know) We ended up having a good little chat of sorts, which I'll post about later. In the mean time, please enjoy the picture posted below.

For whatever reason, C was upset having his picture up. Because I'd rather not jeopardize a friendship I decided to humble myself and take it down- even though I feel I did nothing wrong. This is my blog and I have a right to post whatever I deem necessary. Pretty sure you're not all running around looking for some guy who resembles that picture hating him. I don't think anyone cares that much. HOWEVER, I decided to put my pride aside and just do someone a favor. We will have to jump to E after this because I don't have a picture of D- just know he was pretty cute :)

Back to Basics

Well, lets start with a little update on I. He is currently on vacation in California to attend a friends wedding! (Congrats to Ben and Monica!) The timing couldn't have been better as I was currently in the middle of my monthly melt down (I go insane, I seriously want to chop every ones head off it's ridiculous!) I heart being a girl. SO, good to have some ME time. Whenever I start dating someone and things start progressing I do a little self destructive dance and start to over analyze everything. I've decided it's some sort of defensive mechanism to keep the possibility of getting hurt, or hurting someone as far away as possible. I should probably get over that right? The point in all that...as long as I'm able to keep some time for myself and not feel pushed or pressured, I'm OK. I and I also need to have some more intense conversations regarding our beliefs and values. Sounds like a party right? Although having serious discussions can be hard and emotionally draining, I feel if it is done in a mature way both parties can benefit and become not only stronger individuals but build a stronger relationship. If you think I'm wrong about that, lets talk seriously, cause I'm not! :)

I'm sort of convinced no one reads this anymore except for my sister...thanks Mal- at least you can get all the insight you need into my life from here if no one else does!!

SO- Remember B...there he is! B I think has some interesting issues. He wants a girl with a moral compass of that of Mother Theresa but wants the look and slut-faceness (one word or two?) of Britney Spears (pre-shaved head days of course.) He really was a sweet guy but I think he might just be the kind that will never find happiness as they are always not satisfied or not looking for quite the right thing. Nevertheless, I hope he does succeed in his love life- I know how much he wants it- and I wish him the best of luck!

Back to A, but just for today!

Instead of learning how to write Obituaries in my Writing for Mass Media Class (so boring) I decided to post. Although, regarding I there isn't much to write about. Not a bad thing, just nothing event full to share. So, in case you were curious......


This is A. So cute right? If we remember correctly, we dated casually for about a minute. Still good friends, still makes me laugh every time we talk. I promise we will get to the letters that I don't think very highly of...I realize lack of bitterness isn't very interesting to read ;)

Just a little taste :)

Just to spice things up a little...here is an Ex Boyfriend blog. As a side note, I've decided to add pictures to the letters after our "relationships" have ended. It may not be ethical, but do we really care?! :) Enjoy!

This is Ex Boyfriend #1, Zack. I will always consider him one of the best things that ever happened to me. We met in October of 2005 and dated until December of 2005. We spent some time apart, but got back together in July of 2006, and dated again until April of 2007. I very much miss his friendship and I know whatever Zack wants to accomplish, he will! Miss his face!

This is Steve. We met in January 2007 and dated until May of that same year. We grew a lot as individuals in this relationship and I think we both left being stronger. He has so much potential and I hope his life is full happiness!

This is Derek. Ex Boyfriend #3. We met in July 2007 in a Barn for a church activity. I was teaching my friends how to flirt (apparently, I've got skills) where I charmed myself into his life. We broke up December 2007. I couldn't have asked for a better break up. Sad, but mature. I still love and miss his guts! He's going to be a fancy lawyer someday...I'm sure I'll need his services in the future!

Me, Myself, and I

Although I'm at work and could be working....or even doing homework...I feel inspired to blog! When I get to work I usually check out all updated blogs and they usually give me a drive to write again. Yay for blog friends.

SO, things with I have been progressing. He is fun to be with and we laugh a lot. For those of you that know me in real life, I'm sure you know I drip with sarcasm and sometimes can offend people for the sake of a joke (oops, not on purpose of course!) anyway, he seems to get me that way. He lets me dish it out as much as I want, and gives it back (when he can think of a good comeback! HA!) I'm trying to keep it casual as I have recently come to the conclusion that I am terrified of commitment. With the culture I've grown up in, there is so much emphasis on finding the "one" and getting married ASAP and have tons of babies so you can have your own basketball team. WELL, life has gone a little differently for me and as time goes on I am more and more accepting and excited for a future of endless possibilities that currently only involve ME! We know how much I love me, so no complaints here! I kind of got off the subject...but oh yeah, I is a fun guy. We do have some differing opinions about some topics where there is no room for compromise (as much as I'd like to elaborate, there isn't an end to this story, so no reason in opening Pandora's box) so we will need to have many a discussion regarding those issues. For now, keep it cool, calm, and collected. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

2 For 1

SO much to blog about today! Well...We have two more letters- H and I.

H is a guy I knew about 3 years ago. We went out a couple times, but kind of lost touch and nothing really came of it. He found me again on facebook via friends of friends and he asked me out for Friday. We went out to dinner and then comedy sportz. It was a really fun night! The show was probably the funniest time I have ever ever seen it! Laughed uncontrollably! But as per my usual, not sure there was any spark. I wouldn't mind hanging out with him again just to be sure, but if nothing else I would like being his friend.

So on to Saturday. I actually had some reservations about Saturday night. I and...well I ha ha went to high school together. To be honest, even after spending time together I don't remember him, but I'm sure he doesn't remember me, so whatever. Regardless of my anxiety, I went anyway and had one of the best dates I've had in a long time. First we went ice skating and he got to watch me freak out about not wanting to fall and skating so terribly. But he was very nice and didn't push me on my face...even though I think he would have thought it was a little funny to see me fall! After ice skating (and NO falling on my part :) we went to get milkshakes. Awesome just to talk and laugh with the other couple- it's nice to find a group of people you can have a fun time with. After milkshakes we went back to his place to watch a movie. We ended up waiting a bit for his friends to come over...so our movie didn't get started until 12. We ended up talking a lot after that....and fast forward, I didn't get home until 5:30! Bah! WAY too late, but worth the great conversation.

I'm not sure if anything will or can happen with him, for a number of reasons, but even if I never see him again (you never know, I could get hit by a bus) at least I had one of the best nights I've had in a long time! A+ plus for him...and ME!

A former cheerleader who left her excitment in high school.

Date with G was great. He was sweet and kind and overall I had a good time. I especially appreciated the fact he was prepared- as opposed to, "what do you want to do?" "I dunno, what do you want to do?" I hate that. We had fun, but I think that is all it was. Just fun. There wasn't really any chemistry, but I'm glad I went. It gives me a little more faith that there are some good ones out there.

On our date I actually ran into an ex of mine. It made me sad- I miss him a lot. He will always be one of those defining people in my life. He hugged me and it just brought back a lot of emotions I had forgotten. But...that's over now. Life goes on.

On the same lines of the ex- he text me the other night just to ask a question, not even sure about what anymore, but we ended up talking about dating. He said I really have no choice but to play the dating "game." He said I can refuse to play- but I will lose, so I might as well play, and play well. I can't seem to be satisfied with this. Why should I have to pretend I don't like him, but I really do, and be mean to him- cause he will like me more, or tell him I'm not interested, but I really am, etc. etc. etc. It seems like so much when all I really want is an honest, open relationship with good communication. It seems like a paradox to be the girl playing the game, with an ultimate goal of no game playing from the other side. So what do we do? Is there a happy medium? Do I have to just pick one side, is there no compromise? Is playing the "game" really that bad? So many questions...so little enthusiasm.

It's Friday...and I have a date!

The last couple weeks have been more than difficult for me. I've got so much going on, so much to worry about. It's been really a test of endurance to say the least. Today, I hope things will start looking up.

Tonight I have a date! A real live boy and girl date! I feel like its been so long...I think around 3 months. So, he definitely deserves the letter G. G is a really nice guy as far as I can tell. He is in my ward and he is in the Sunday school presidency, and I teach Sunday school...so there you go. I really don't know that much about him as far as statistics go. But in the conversations we have had he is very sweet and kind. I'm excited to spend a little time getting to know him better. I'll definitely let you know how it goes.

I'm still having feelings for someone I've written about in the past. I never gave him letter...we are just friends. But the more we talk, the better he becomes. He definitely has things that I could do without, but we all have those right? I just really enjoy his friendship and maybe it's just a crush, who knows.

It's really been good to have this fall break. It's given me some time to just calm down and think about my priorities. Hopefully the rest of the semester will not only bring good dating experiences, but more happy experiences in general.

Top three things I like about the Letter G (not the person, just the letter)

1. Grapes
2. Gummibears
3. Giggling

Feel free to add to the list!

Sigh

I do have a happier post coming...just tonight I'm consumed with memories of ex's. I just can't completely move on. I feel like I gave everything I had to a couple of them, everything. I tried so hard to what I could to make them happy. I wanted so much to be a good girlfriend, a good friend. And they didn't want me. No matter what I did, they didn't want me. Fast forward to now, It's almost been a year single. I miss giving myself that way to someone, but how can I do that when every nice guy I meet I can't seem to find chemistry with? I try so hard and it just doesn't seem to come. I gave everything....and they didn't want it.

I may have been onto something when I was dating older men...

I promise, this hurts me more than you. Well, boy previously mentioned in last blog turned out to be like the rest. We all went to a movie together last Friday and he didn't sit by me and wouldn't even talk to me! At this point, it really is laughable. I will never understand. Such is life.

I found out the other day a friend of mine is divorced. I am really sad for him. He is a good guy and from the way things turned out, he really didn't deserve what he got with the chick he married. As sad as divorce is, I think she did him a favor by leaving. Anyone who tells their husband they are leaving him through IM has some serious issues. Serious.

I know he is interested in dating me. I can't really wrap my head around the idea just yet. If I could just feel completely comfortable with the whole thing it would be perfect. We have just been friends for so long it almost seems weird. I think if things move very slowly I will be willing to see what comes from it. I know when I rush things I get a lot of anxiety and ruin things before they even begin. If we get to a point where we need to discuss the issue, I will definitely be sure to voice my concerns. I really don't have time to waste playing games.

The other night a previous letter called me up to watch a movie. I went. I know things probably wont go anywhere but that night it just felt better than being alone. Is that bad? I really don't care that much if it is. At least for one night I had some company right?

All good in my hood.

This weekend my best friend set me up. I hate being set up, as there are usually unmet expectations and that can get a little messy. I almost would have rather just gone to bed early on Friday night, but I already promised I would go and of course I wanted to spend time with Melissa.

I think my "date" thought it was more intimate than I did, Melissa convinced me we were all just "hanging out." I'm really glad she convinced me to go though, because I think we got along really well. It was nice to feel that someone was even a little interested as the last two attempts didn't go so well. I want to get to know him better, he seems like he is a really nice guy...despite the fact that he is 3 months younger and I am a year ahead in school.

I will see him again tonight. I still can't tell if he is interested enough to start dating, but I guess will see. For now, I am satisfied as I have had a pleasant "dating" experience.

That wasn't very nice.

Not knowing someone is certainly no basis for judging them. Lately that has been my biggest frustration. I feel like I was pushed to the side for no legitimate reason. Not only that, but not being romantically interested in someone is not a sufficient reason to be rude. I am kind of intense, my humor is very sarcastic and I love to laugh and make jokes. But I also believe I am generally a nice person. I try not to criticize or judge and I feel like being polite is important. I only wish people felt responsible to give me the same courtesy.

I give up

Oh gosh. Today I met up with F just to talk in between classes. We have been texting a bit, so it was good to talk in person for while. He looks so cute when he smiles...just an fyi. Only problem is that I'm pretty sure I made an idiot out of myself. What is happening?? I kept making stupid jokes...probably because I was nervous and insecure (about something in particular, but nothing serious) anyways, I probably wont be hoping for a phone call in my future. So sad. :(.

F is for Fabulous!

The saddest part about this post is that I needed to scroll down a few pages to remember what letter I'm on! BUT guess what?! We finally have a potential F.

So the other day in class, our teacher goes a little nuts. She is always a ball full of crazy, but today she decided to slam on this kids desk to make a point. I don't even remember the point so I think we can safely say her teaching tactics should be reviewed. So, after she bangs on the desk, the kid of course is a little freaked out and she says to the class, "F is a little freaked out, can somebody say something nice about him to make him feel better?" everyone just sits there. So of course I take the opportunity to make myself laugh and use my Marylin Monroe sexy voice and say "F, you're so hot!"

I guess this is a really great way to meet boys because guess who asks me out over facebook the next week? I'm not kidding. Facebook.

So, we have an unofficial date for an undisclosed time. Good enough for me.

Will YOU marry me?

The most imperative reason for me to get married tomorrow: government grants to pay my tuition.

Would you buy my flirting book?

Everyday I casually make my way to class from the parking lot. I then leave my second class and go to the next and to the next, eventually finishing the day and back to the parking lot. The best part of my day is the walking because I get to look over possible dating candidates and I will say that Utah Valley University houses some of the sexiest creations this planet as ever seen.

My issue today though, how do you start a conversation with them?

"Um, excuse me, you're really hot and so far I'm not sure if you have any deeper substance but do you want to go out?"

It just doesn't work that way, nor do I want it to. Ideally I'd like to somehow start a conversation which can lead to a little more insight into what this person actually has to say about the world and go from there. But these days it seems taboo to just say Hello!!

Some days I have a feisty little streak of bravery where I think I can break the mold and begin a conversation. I think this next week I'll use one of those days to my advantage. I could write a book on flirting...but the rest of it I could really use directions.

22...older than 21.

I turned 22 yesterday. My day was much better than expected; I felt loved. No dating prospects. Still single. Does anyone have a single Brother? Cousin? Friend? Friend of Friend of Friend? :)

Good Morning.

I had a really great day. Sunday's are amazing as is, but it seemed so perfect. I had time with wonderful family and my lesson went better than expected. For a moment, I felt so happy. I just got excited about possibilites, about futures, about life. Then it was like I woke up. It was all a dream and I woke up. I wish I could have one of those days but it would go forever and ever. And I would never wake up.

to type or not to type?

I don't have a lot of time, which seems to be the case these days, but I wanted to write on some recent events.

As far as this boy in my class goes, today he crossed the line. I am very much a sarcastic person, and don't mind jokes at my expense from time to time. Today during class, this boy implied that I can't do anything myself and that I'm SO loud. I don't really understand why he felt the need to point these things out in a way that did not seem to be flirty or funny. I wont really concern myself with him from this point. I am not about to waste my precious time on someone who can be mean for no apparent reason. Moving on to bigger and better things.

How do we feel about Internet dating? I am a little embarrassed to say that I have done it in the past, and to be honest, I have ended up with some great dates and one relationship imparticular that taught me a lot and made me a better person. Especially now that I am in school, going to work, and spending countless hours on homework, it seems I have less options and less time to meet people. However, because the Internet dating scene is still slightly taboo....there are definatly some crazies out there I need to watch out for. So, for now, we will consider it an option, but hopefully there will be more opportunities for more conventional ways of dating. Let's hope.

Crazy Lady

So I talked to the boy in my class again. Pretty sure I solidified my idiocy! What is going on?! I swear...boys have never been a problem for me...ha ha...talking to them at least. I kept making STUPID jokes! I'm not going to lie...it is a little amusing to think about it afterward...but that wont get me any dates! What to do?!?!

All you need is Love.

Today I'm having a really hard time being confident. Confident in the fact that I know who I am and like myself regardless of others opinions. Today I started talking to a guy in my class, but I feel like I made an idiot out of myself. I guess maybe I am feeling a little stuck as far as options go, so in my mind, making a good impression on this guy was really important.

I really wonder if how proactive I am will really determine the outcome. Will I end up with the person I am "meant" to be with regardless of how much I put myself out there or how open I am in meeting new people?

How can I stay positive and really develop a love for the person I have become in spite of rejection? Our interpersonal relationships are our only avenue to how we develop our self esteem. However, I feel in relying too much on other people, I will lose myself to them. Ultimately I need to do the best I can with what I have. The thing that may be the biggest challenge is doing what I know is best for me and making that effort to rise to my potential.

Hope is for Lovers.

I've always tried not to let my emotions surface. When I think about love, happiness, charity, forgiveness...a part of me doesn't believe in things so pure. I see movies where they live happily ever after and for a second I feel excitement and hope that it can happen for me...but the other part...the other part is a realist. I know that relationships are more than hard work. I know there will be times where I feel like giving up. For a second though, I like to let myself feel it. Feel that maybe, someday, I can love in it's purest form. Maybe I should let myself feel it more.

3 strikes, you're out!

Unfortunately, things didn't turn out quite like I'd hoped. E and I had 3 dates...but for some reason I just couldn't feel a connection. After realizing I didn't think I was interested romantically; I beat myself up about not being able to have feelings such a great guy. He was sweet and kind, more than I could have asked for.

The biggest hold up I came to terms with, was that he couldn't make me laugh. When I think about the person I want to be with, I envision myself laughing and being able to have funny conversations. This wouldn't have been with case with E. And so, the search continues.

There is actually someone new that I've been talking to more recently. I wont give him as a letter, as they have to be earned by taking me out. But this guy, he could be a prospect. I am however, very weary as he is in an "open" relationship with someone.

Personally, I have a few definite hang ups about what they call an "open" relationship. As I understand it, this relationship allows you date someone specific on more of a long term basis, while dating others as well. I guess I just can't seem to understand how I would be able to trust someone in that type of relationship. To me, this status is just an excuse to keep dating the same person for convenience until you find someone better. I have done things like this in that past, but I didn't give a commitment to anyone but myself. It seems to be just another loop whole for people to avoid the rocky, scary terrain of a complete break up.

I say, if you're willing to get involved in a relationship, you should be willing and brave enough to get out of it if needs be. No sense in wasting your time, or someone else's.

One step closer to Z.

Yesterday at 4:00 pm I was dateless on a Friday night. At 4:30 pm? I wasn't. My spontaneous date with E turned out better than expected.

The way we met is unconventional to say the least. I was busy facebooking...which has become the usual in my less than invigorating job, when I saw a friend had just posted pictures of himself in Las Vegas at the Nevada Star Ball. It's a ballroom competition and being the dancer I am, I had to check them out. In one of the pictures I saw this really cute guy...and not one to be shy, I made a comment about how good looking he was. I didn't think much of it until yesterday when he sent me a message! We ended up chatting online for awhile and made a date. I met him at Barnes & Noble; from there we went to a party.

We had a great time talking and getting to know each other. When I first saw him, I wasn't sure how it was going to go, and even after talking for awhile I was still a little reserved. As the night ended, we still had things to talk about and I appreciated that.

Last night he text to let me know he was interested in going out again. I really appreciated him being straight forward and open. Even if he wasn't interested, I really think he would have told me- which makes me like him more. So next Tuesday we have a date. I'm not in love with him and I don't quite get butterflies yet, but it will be fun to see what happens.

Break me off a piece of that...

Last night I went to the gym for the first time in a long time. It felt so great just to run. I was so focused; I wasn't listening to music, watching TV, or thinking about anything else but how fast I could go and how hard I could run. It was amazing.

One thing I did notice- there are some amazing looking people at the gym! I couldn't help myself. I was soaking in the incredible man candy there seemed to be an abundance of. For a second I decided to not worry whether if they were nice and sweet or stupid and cocky. I just looked. I'm going to the gym more often :).

I've lost 5 lbs...

These past few days have been incredibly frustrating. I've been so sick and in turn I've become slightly depressed. I have a lot of great friends who have kept me company via facebook, and sent their well wishes. My concern is C. I don't think he could care less that I have spent hours in bed with moments of vomiting. I hoped he would have asked if there was something he could do for me- not because I would have let him- but the thought would have been nice. Clearly, I would like to be with someone who would think to ask, which is why this situation is such a disappointment. I liked spending time with him, but I am not really sure where to go with it.

At this point, its probably likely I'll move forward and entertain other prospects. I'm very black and white when it comes to ending things like relationships, there isn't a grey area. If it's over, it's over. I really don't know if that is the best way to approach things, but it's the way I've always worked. Is there a middle ground that will suffice? I wish there was. It's hard to walk away, but even harder to be stuck in the middle.

I'll keep some secrets...

Sometimes it can be really hard to blog knowing that I'm not the only one reading my words. It's my own fault for letting it be public I guess. Even so, it can be intimidating.

This last week I spent some time with C. We have fun together, but I wish we would talk more. We end up watching movies...I wish we get to know each other better but talking during a movie isn't exactly kosher. We have been seeing each other about twice a week. I'm not sure what he is looking for as far as relationships go. It's something you can talk about, but with every person it's different. The key is to finding out if he wants a relationship with ME. I guess we will find out sooner or later.

I had a date last week with D. He was a great guy; one of those you just know would be an amazing boyfriend. I'm not sure either of us felt any spark that would lead to a romantic relationship. However, one of my first serious relationships; I didn't like him on our first date. Even though we didn't end up together, I loved him and we had some great experiences.

I was supposed to have a date this week with someone new. I won't give him E because he canceled. I wish he wouldn't have, I was really excited about getting to know him better...but as much as I'd like to sometimes we can't control anyone but ourselves. If it seems like there are missing pieces, it's because there are, but I'd rather not get into it.

I've become a little more comfortable with dating different people, however I'm still used to being interested in one person only and them in me.

At least I can type fast....

It's been a rough day. It's been a rough little while but as the days pile, it gets a little harder to smile. I'm especially self conscious lately. I don't feel attractive at all. I know I need to do the things that help, like work out, and maybe even paint my nails once in awhile, but it seems hard to even go to the gym feeling so insecure.

My birthday is coming up soon. The older I get, the less exciting birthdays have become. I was so excited to turn 16, 18, and even 21. But now with 22 just around the corner I'm forced to look back and wonder what have I done worth mentioning? It doesn't seem like much.

I thought my life would have been so much different by the time I turned 22. Especially in relationships. Growing up in Utah County, I honestly expected myself to be married at 18 or 19. And here I am, not only not married, but single as well. It can get depressing, but at the same time I wouldn't trade my life experiences for anything. I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of things and I will carry them with me forever. Sometimes, I just wish I had someone to share what I've learned with.

I have friends who wonder if they will ever get married, ever be in a relationship worthy of marriage and it's easy to give them advice- to tell them don't worry, just live your life, enjoy the journey that life has brought you to now. But it's 100% harder to tell those things to myself. And believe them.

Excuse me, I'm what?

Well...My date with C ended up being really fun. I wasn't sure how we would get along being that we didn't know each other too well in high school and the only contact we have had is via Internet. However, the date ended up being better than expected. We played pool for awhile and then went to eat ice cream at Cold Stone. We had our ice cream outside and talked and eventually were the only two people left in the entire parking lot. Once we got to my place, he came in and we ended up talking for awhile longer. All in all- succesfull.

During the date, outside Cold Stone, I became incredibly self aware. I don't remember what he said or what we were talking about, but all of a sudden I could almost watch myself. I could see what I was doing and for the first time it became extremely clear why some people would be repelled by my behavior. The best word I could think of to describe it is intense. I think I come across and forward and aggressive. I ask questions, really try and get to the know the person- but finally after 21 years on this earth I can see it. I can see how I might be pressing too hard. Pushing for answers when maybe all I need to do is let them come to me. It's almost a painful realization, but I believe in change. I'm not sure which parts I want to change, but I think i'ts about time to reflect on that.

C? Si.

Well, just to make this short- my friendship with B has officially ended. I felt like I needed to do what was best for me. I decided I needed to stay away from a situation that brought negative feelings, so here we are. I guess I still have some growing up to do.

As for A, I finally got frustrated and asked if he would rather just be friends. He said I probably knew it was obvious he wasn't wanting to pursue a relationship. Well...no...it was not obvious being that I had to ask your feelings on the matter, but OK. I am not too upset. Really, not upset at all. He was very sweet and kind, but we still lacked the ability to connect.

So.. now we have another candidate...C. I went to High School with him and he found me on Facebook recently and we have been chatting here and there. He asked me out for tomorrow, so we will see how that goes. I really don't have many expectations- I've learned I need to keep an open mind and whatever will happen...well...will happen.

Good luck to me.

A's and B's and inbetweens.

It has been a long time since I've updated. My mind has been all over the place trying to sort my feelings about different situations and I think trying to put the puzzle into paragraphs that fit together nicely was too much to think about.

I'll start with B. I had a couple of long conversations with him regarding my feelings for him and his lack of feelings for me. I really can't blame him- he has been open and honest in regards to wanting to remain friends and only friends, I guess I just mistook signals right and left. In the end, after some time to think and reflect, I decided I needed to be an adult about the situation. I needed to put aside my emotions and let go of some pride and be a big girl and not ruin an otherwise really great friendship. It's been a couple of weeks since then, and its been rough. I actually haven't heard from him in a couple days and to be honest I'm not sure I want to. It's easier for me to just remove myself from situations that bring negative feelings- especially because I can't have those feelings escalate. Part me hopes that someday things can be different, but right now the most appropriate word to convey what I think should happen to the relationship is death.

On to boy A. We have had a couple of really awesome dates. I love to spend time with him- he makes me laugh. Not to mention- I love to look at him! My concerns with him are as follows: 1. We only spend at most one day a week together. I know I can't expect things to move fast especially when trying to develop a substantial relationship, but really, one day?? 2. I haven't been able to connect with him on a deeper more emotional level. I realize this is partly my fault being that I've been preoccupied with B, but I really don't know how to bring that to light. I want to know more about him and I want him to know more about me. I need to have some sort of connection that goes beyond our favorite ice cream flavors.

A couple of ex boyfriends have come out of my past as well. I went to lunch with one, his name is Derek. I figure I can disclose names once things are over :) He is an amazing person and he is moving to California to go to law school. He'll be great and I wish him the best of luck. Next is Zack. He called me the other night to smooth things over. He is in Japan right now with a girl he knows I have had issues with. I know that if she wanted a relationship with him, he would be to her side in a second, but for some reason she doesn't see the amazing person I did. I still very much miss his friendship.

In writing, things don't seem as monumental to me as they have this past week. I've felt so overwhelmed and sad about the way my relationships have been going. I feel like I'm working so hard to find an end when I'm sent back to beginning after beginning. Really, the only thing I can do is focus on the positive and learn from my past. I definitely would not prefer to make the same mistakes.

Check Please.

I didn't do much today. I spent some time reading, slept a little, and prepared my Sunday school lesson for tomorrow. My family decided to meet up to eat- it was nice to get out of the house. I stepped outside the restaurant and right ahead of me, I saw a familiar face. Boy B.

My heart dropped. It fell into my stomach and exploded into a thousand glass pieces that went flying fast and hard. Sitting next to him- a cute little blonde.

This past week I had already made the decision-it was a lost cause. I realized that the last few weeks with B had given me nothing but frustration and sadness. So I wasn't supposed to care. I wasn't supposed to feel anything when I saw him laughing and smiling with someone who wasn't me. But I did care.

I want him to feel how I feel. I want him to be sad, angry, frustrated and upset. But then I realize, whatever he feels....I still feel.

I have a really hard time ending relationships with people. I feel like a failure. If there was something I could have done differently, it could have been saved.

Gosh, more than anything I don't want to feel it. I should focus my attention on the great date I had Thursday with A. He was sweet, and kind. After I made dinner, he made me sit while HE did the dishes! He asked me to teach him to dance....because he knows how much I love it. I wish those memories could overshadow the black smoke engulfing and twisting my heart. They do ease the pain a little.

Why do we have experiences like these? Times like this, I always wonder what makes it worth it. I need something that will make this worth it.

Few things hurt me the way rejection does. Not honest rejection, not blatant rejection. That I can handle. It's the subtle rejection from someone you thought you could trust and then in one second you see he could care less.

Life is never fair...but sometimes I just want a break.

And I was like, Yeah..Whatever.

Date with boy A was fun. I saw boy B last night.

For the first time since I can even remember I'm completely apathetic towards any sort of romantic relationship. I'm almost not sure what to do with myself. For years, there has been hope, faith, yearning, aches, pains, love, heart break, etc. and I have continued to press forward searching for an end.

The past week my want and need for a relationship has become obsolete. I can truly say with conviction that I do not care. I don't.

Is it strange I care that I do not care? I don't feel like I've "given up" but I really don't care to put forth more effort. Maybe next week I'll care.

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important....

I have a date tonight. Last week, I spent some time with old friends of mine- turns out there was someone a little more interested than just being friendly. I will say I have some reluctance in writing so personally; you never really know who is reading your heart. However, I have always been a promoter of honesty and integrity, and if I can't say it to them, I shouldn't share it with the world.

For all intents and purposes, we'll call him A. I've known A for a few years, but never thought of any sort of possibility of anything more than friendship because I've never felt he was romantically interested. Apparently, he is. I am not sure where I want it to go, or if it is going anywhere at all- but I don't want to guess. This time, I just want to take what is coming to me.

At the same time, part of my heart belongs to someone else- even though he can't be responsible for it right now. We'll call him B. B has become an amazing friend. A person I truly admire; admiration does not come to easily to me. I feel safe with him. Safe and Happy. However, I am having a hard time writing the next sentence because it starts with BUT. BUT, the timing isn't right. I like my job, BUT it doesn't pay the bills. I want to go on vacation, BUT I'm not willing to take out the time. Ugh...BUT. I obviously have some feelings I've not quite accepted, can you tell?

My recent goal, having started to pick up in dating again, is to take my time and relax. Do what feels right and continue from there. I want to say that I wish it was easier, but I think I'm starting to welcome the challenges.

A taste of insight.

Normally, I come to this new post page with a title and theme of exactly what I want to write. Today, I do not. I feel an urgency to write for the sake of what is being written as opposed to pleasing an audience I am not sure really even exists.

I think the most valuable thing in life we have is time. When it's lost, we can not get it back. We can not buy it, we can not steal it. My thoughts have often circled on the timing of life and how important it is to what our lives become. Had I not had certain experiences in my life at the exact and precise time I experienced them, they may not have had the impact they were intended to have.

Because time is not tangible, how can I find a way to have faith in it? A common phrase, "Time heals all wounds" is simply a way for us to find hope that someday our lives will become different than they are at the particular moment those words console us.

I want time to agree with me. I want to agree with time. I have always fought for things to come faster than they do, to break barriers of the time at which they are supposed to come. To hell with time.

When I pit myself up against that brick wall of having an ever increasing hate for time, only then do I remember that without its presence, I would not appreciate what it gives me. Time has given me knowledge, hope, faith, love, and virtue. I'll always struggle in an inner battle between patience and a raw passion for my needs to be met when I want.

But maybe in time I will learn to succumb to what matters most. How funny that the thing I despise the most is the only thing that can save me.

I don't have Insurance.

I'm not sure I've ever let myself be completely vulnerable to another person. I've shared personal information of course, but I'm not sure I've ever absolutely subjected myself to the option of feelings not being returned.

I've always been exceptionally good at turning on and off feelings and not letting myself step beyond my comfort zone- to save myself from any heartache that could possibly occur.

Recently I've come to a point where it becomes harder and harder to resist in expressing my ever increasing feelings. But this also means putting my heart on the chopping block. To risk having my heart smashed into a million little pieces after which I'll have to pick up all over again. Like the title states- I don't have insurance on broken hearts.

I know I can recover, I'm not afraid of that part. I have moved on in the past and I know that I can do it again without a doubt. However, I have a choice. I don't need to subject myself to the possibility of a deep dark shadow following me for the few months recovery time takes.

So I ask myself: what makes our confessions worth it? Is it life experience we gain? The possibility of a true, lasting relationship? Does the reward outweigh the cost?

Funny how all my usual characteristics; such as being insanely decisive and courageous, seem to not exist when it comes to the world of relationships.

He loves me, He loves me not.

I am a very meticulous person. I have a need for everything in my life to be wrapped up in a perfect little package. I always know who, what, when, where, and how. I don't like risk, change takes time, and most of the time I feel slightly out of control.

I am the worst candidate for love! It's been awhile since I've been absolutely 100% for sure in love. It's something I crave. I have always thought I had this desire because I am in fact a girl, but recently I've learned this need can be attributed to both genders. My problem lies in the fact that there is no time frame for love. Not only do I not have any control as to when I'll meet the person I could possibly fall in love with, but I also don't have any control as to how long it will take me, or him, or any other circumstance that is needed to progress to the aforementioned.

Can I just have a month, a day, and a year? I'll show up and we'll fall in love and I can continue on my life plan without interruption.

I guess a major question that needs to be answered is what is love? I consider love to be a choice. A choice to become involved in another person, to sacrifice yourself for them, to give everything you can even at the expense of your own happiness sometimes. I refuse to believe its all butterflies and rainbows. It isn't easy. But is it worth it?

It will only take 1 person I fall in real love with to show me that its worth it. But what do I do in the mean time? The 50, 100, or 1000 guys I need to go through to get there really don't seem encouraging in my belief and hope that SOMEDAY (this elusive time frame that is not committed to me) I will find it.

In a life where I feel like I can't sit by and watch and wait, where I have such a strong need to be proactive in my choices, can I really just stand by and find some faith? Is falling in love a right as a human being or a privilege? Have I done enough to be deserving? I'm not sure.

Do You Ever Really Know?

There are a couple people I'm currently curious about. They seem like nice guys with good intentions and seem open to honest and fulfilling relationships. But do I really know? Do I really know what's going on at the other end of that text? Do I really know how many others just received the same picture message I truly think is meant for me? Do I really know how many facebook comments are inside jokes from a wild escapade from the night before? Do I really know the line he used on me isn't a carefully tested method he's been using for years?

I've always been a one man kinda girl. I've been in 3 serious relationships back to back since the age of 18. I'm not used to this strange idea of flirting and dating multiple people at once! I've always felt that trust is a key component in any successful relationship. How do I build trust with people when I know that like me, they are running out and about searching for their next "flavor" of that week?

It seems all so ridiculous to me. Why can't we operate in a dating scene without reservations, without fears, and with a little honesty and integrity? Hey- you like me, I like you, let's try this out. Or even- you know what? I don't think this is something I'm interested in pursuing. I truly believe it doesn't need to be so complicated! Or does it?

Are we really without option when it comes to playing "games" in our relationships? Are we forced to conform to the "rules" and "play"? Will you only want to know me because I play hard to get? And if so, can I get a copy of this rules? It seems like I'm drowning out here- slowly but surely.

Let Me Entertain You

Name: Bailey. Occupation: Student. Status: Single.

Monday through Friday I sit at my desk at my insignificant part time job pretending to be productive. As days have gone by, I discovered an intriguing little world full of daily updates in the lives of my married friends and families in the blogosphere. I thought " Maybe I should get married just so I can have a blog!" And then I remembered I DO have a life. A life full of real days, with real problems, and real boys. Being single in Provo, UT has its perks- along with its painful and often exhausting and countless emotional stresses.

My goal is to share my experiences with an audience who can learn from me, teach me, and even live vicariously through me. I want this to be an interactive experience from readers who give their support and advice as I continue my seemingly endless journey in the single life. I will give you every detail of every moment as I check the men off my list one by one. I hope you'll indulge me in my never ending struggle. Please expect to be entertained. Above all, comment like crazy!