A Mini-Post!

First off, I just want to thank all of you....my readers! I am so glad you enjoy my writing and continue to read! I feel like there is so much support from all of you and it really helps when I feel like I'm on my own. So big THANKS to you all!!

I've been really stressed today. All of a sudden I'm becoming more and more worried about settling down. I worry that when I do, I'll regret not making the most of the situation I'm in now. It seems like I have so much I want to do that I can basically only do on my own, but then there's this side of me that wants to have a family and be the quintessential American family. Why am I so nervous about this all of a sudden?!

Just needed to get some thoughts out into the universe...I promise to update soon on the chaos that is my dating life; lots to share!!

Peace and love!

Cookies and Milk

It's been way too long since I've updated, I'm sorry! I promise I'll try to post more regularly. I will say it's not because I'm lazy...school is hard! I actually had to drop one of my classes...after which I felt like a loser slash failure. Whatever, I'm over that now!

Alright, so last night I went and helped out at a women's basketball game with L. He works for an athletics department in marketing. It's fun because my major is Communications so I know he could help me out as far as internships and experience goes. My issue is that I don't want to "use" people to get ahead. I know he is very interested in me, and when I don't have those same feelings in return it seems unethical for me to use the friendship for personal gain. I don't know. Thoughts on that would be appreciated.

So, Monday night one of the guys from Sunday game night asks me to hang out! He wasn't number 10 I mentioned last post, but I figured we could be friends at least. So, we went to Wal-mart and then met up with another guy and number 10. Interesting things happen when you get to know someone better. I seriously felt like I was still in High School with number 10. Don't get me wrong, he is a cool kid. He is funny and outgoing and a lot of things that will get him far in life. However, for me, in the relationship sense I feel like I would be his babysitter. So, ya know, one less thing to worry about. Other guy however, he started to grow on me. We actually hung out Tuesday night as well. He made me cookies and pizza, and I helped him look for jobs and get his resume together. He was EXTREMELY quiet at game night, but he seemed to open up and I think I'll enjoy getting to know him a little better! He will probably earn his letter soon enough.

I will be seeing him again tonight, so I'll be sure to post about that. Tonight I'm also going to dinner with one of my best friends Dave. He always bugs me about giving him a shout-out on here, so consider that your shout-out Dave M!

Today's Reason to Run:

4. If you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk!

If this guys tries anything too quickly, in most cases you can assume he doesn't respect you. If you kiss him too soon, he will probably think it's OK to continue progressing to the next level whether you're ready or not. Keep him wanting more. If he refuses to accept that, you're too good for him anyway!

Happy Dating!

Do YOU kiss on the first date?

Ok, I really need to get my act together and update this thing!!

So this past week:

1. Went to the BBQ at B's place. Not exactly what I was expecting, being that the girl to guy ratio was at least 2 to 1. Not to worry, I made the best of it and had a good time with old friends and making new. Oh, and P.S. 10 minutes into it a guy I dated walks in! What?! He was never on the list; I started this blog post him. His story though...we went out on a first date and he asked if he could kiss me and I said no. Guess who didn't call me again? Ha ha. Love it.

2. 80's dance party was just what I needed. Had a good time dancing my little heart out and it was good to see L again. We do have fun together. I still have so many reservations regarding him; not really sure what that is about. Regardless, as I've said in the past, I appreciate our friendship.

3. Game night at Alanna's was the bomb.com! Super cute boys there! There was one I would totally be down with but lets be honest, he is probably a 10 where I would consider myself more of a 7. So don't really have any expectations there, but had such a fun time playing games and really enjoying the company. I think times like those I don't feel so lonely.

I've really been trying to put myself out there and invite people to things I'm going to and I do feel it's done me some good. I'm beginning to learn how important relationships are in general, as opposed to putting so much emphasis on romantic relationships. Don't get me wrong, getting married is still on the top of my list of things I want the most, but I'd rather wait for the right person than rush with the wrong one.

Last but not least, today's Reason to Run:

3. If he is super sexy, but you can see through one ear and out the other, probably a good idea to get super tired and go home.

As much as we love man candy, you can't base a relationship on those amazingly straight teeth and perfect eyes. His chiseled abs will fade eventually and you don't want to be stuck with a has-been who doesn't know anything about anything. It's important to be attracted to him, of course, but looks aren't everything!

Happy Dating!

Don't wake up!

Don't you hate when you have dreams that you don't want to wake up from? This happened to me last night and literally I was talking to the person in my dream and said, "I don't want to wake up because I know this is a dream, and I don't want it to end." My dream was more or less a love story I was involved in. I'm SUCH a girl sometimes. Which is totally fine, cause I'd rather be such a girl than a tiny bit boy any day of the week.

Got a few things coming up these next couple days involving potential new dates. A friend of mine (actually, he is B if you can remember that far back) asked me yesterday to come to his BBQ because he was in charge of bringing the "hot babes." Not gonna lie, a little flattered I would be included in that category. So that is tonight, should be fun.

Tomorrow I'm hanging out with L again, dinner and 80's party. I'm going to karaoke and show em what I'm made of. I'm very much into having a friendship with him as I think we can help each other out, but also very much into being single right now. So there ya go.

Sunday my super cute married friend Alanna is having a game night. Stoked on that as she is having a few young men attend. Single ones, I swear. So if nothing else, a fun night with super fun friends!

Also, have a request from you guys. I need you guys to get on that comment train! I'm hoping someday to get some sponsors for this blog so I can give out super awesome free treats to you and get some action for my writing! I know you'll pull through :)

Finally, our next Reason to Run:

2. If you feel the need to bring a knife on your date to hide in your purse because you're scared you might need it, maybe you should just stay home.

Remember how Reasons to Run are based on my life? Yeah, not kidding about this one. I had a blind date and for whatever reason I was freaked out about going. Guess what would have been a good idea? Probably just NOT going!! We have this little thing called a conscience ladies, I promise putting it to good use will help us out in the long run. It's always a good idea to protect yourself, so listen to your guts!

Happy dating!

A good idea? What do you think?!

A few days have gone by and basically no word from M. It's disappointing. I thought we had a great date and were on the same wave length but maybe I was wrong? I don't really want to spend too much time being sad about it. I have other things to waste my energy on ;)

So every night it takes me like a million years to fall asleep. I can see someone reading this and being like, "A million years? Really? She is so dumb." So that's why I said LIKE a million years. So in reality probably an hour or so on average. While I try to fall asleep I usually think of weirdo things that don't make sense and most of the time can't remember in the morning. However, last night I think I had an idea that not only DID make sense, but I can remember it AND it's not half bad.

I'm going to start a list called "Reasons to Run". These are reasons you should jump out of your relationship ASAP or not even start it in the first place. There will be legitimate reasons as well as more obvious ones that I learned in my ever growing wisdom of men slash boys and dating. Most of them will be based on real experiences.

So for today, in no particular order, our very first Reason to Run:

1. If he tells you he loves you in the first week, it's probably a good idea to assume he is a crazy.

Come on, nobody can truly be in "love" after a week. True love takes time. This so called "love" he may be feeling is more than likely a reaction to your super hot body. This may also indicate that he has some issues he needs to work on and none of us need to be babysitters. You're ready to be done playing games so no sense in playing his.

Happy dating!

Not a plan B girl!

My date with letter M started off a little unconventional. First, he wrote down my address wrong and ended up in a field. Is it bad that I thought that was kind of funny? :) So, after a phone call and some direction, we were off to dinner. The wait was about 45 min. We went to Wingers at the Provo Mall, so we decided to walk around for a bit.

I don't think I've ever pretended to be married and pick out couches at a boutique in the mall on a first date. A little strange, but fun! We had a chance to talk and get to know each other a little bit and ignore the "Please don't lay on the Furniture" sign. Sometimes rules are made to be broken!

So then we went to dinner. We had some good conversation. It wasn't anything intense, mostly just a little bit of getting to know you type stuff and some joking here and there. I tried to be my normal, hilariously charming self (not sure of my success, but whadya gonna do?)

After dinner he told me he usually has two plans for a date. A, is going to dinner. And B, if he doesn't think he is interested, he takes her to a movie. I guess so they don't have to talk? I dunno. So guess what we did?! Movie!! Ha ha, but before we freak out...he told me his little brother wanted to double at the movie and he'd said yes before he even got to know me. He also stated that the fact he told me about said plan B is proof that he didn't really consider me a plan B date. I assumed as much, but I'm not a very good assumer!

So the movie was good and we talked on the way home. I decided to invite him in but gave him the option to leave as it was around midnight. He came in and stayed for an hour. We talked for awhile but he was clearly getting tired so I told him he should get to bed. I think he was stoked on that idea.

All in all, I had a great time. He was funny, and we know how important that is to me, he was polite, he gave me his jacket 3 times outside! and he seemed to really be making an effort to get to know me. So....anyone have any idea why I haven't heard from him at all? I text him today, with a text that didn't require a response, and he did respond, but that was short lived. Honestly, I don't want to read into this too much. It's exhausting trying to evaluate every little thing. If he calls, he calls, if he doesn't, not the end of the world right? I guess it would just be nice to know like right now ha ha. Ah, the joys of dating! I guess to send some good vibes into the universe.....I would love to go out with him again!! Hopefully my next post will be a happy one :)

Dear Michael Scott, I've missed you.

I have been dreading this post. So much has happened and I'm exhausted just thinking about blogging it all out.

Ok, So Monday night I went to dinner with L, and it was a really nice experience. Regardless of how I feel in the romantic relationship arena (refer to previous post) we had a really great conversation and to me he is someone that feels like home. The kind of person you can talk to and feel safe. Always good to have people like that in my life. I have very few.

Tonight we are going to the BYU Volleyball game and then watching The Office. I am SO excited....about The Office! Ha. I have missed it so much....seriously a full month without a new episode. Tonight the drought is over and I will again have meaning in my life. (Jokes, Jokes.)

So...back track a little to Tuesday night of this week...guess who wanted to have dinner with me? If you guessed J, I'm impressed. J! I know right?! I wasn't sure how it would be; if there would be some sort of awkwardness or whatever else...but the strangest thing happened. He didn't acknowledge anything that had happened. Not one reference to our previous relationship. Like it never even happened. Basically he complained a lot about being in Provo, which annoyed me to some extent, but it also brought back, or rather exposed feelings to the surface I was still harboring for him. Sigh...not really many choices in this situation. Moving on.

So...Friday I have a date with someone new. I'll write about him and his official letter christening after our date. Aunt Julie, you many know him as a certain PE teacher at a certain place of previous employment for you :)

Also, I destroyed any sort of dating potential in one of my classes after my teacher asked what I blog about. I didn't lie. I probably should have. Now what am I supposed to do the rest of the semester? ;)

It's for sure been a super crazy week with school slash attempted social life, but all in all successful and my outlook is positive!

This Round is on Me

What is interesting about today is that I can truly say I am not ready to commit myself to a relationship. When I've said that in the past, I lied. A small part of me was still like awww boyfriends and love yay! But today? Or even this past week I just do not want any part of it.

It's a big deal you know. Relationships are a lot of work and a lot of effort. How do people my age even have time for them? And by people my age I mean people who are actually going to school and working- as opposed to our favorite over-tanned bottle blond daddy's girl who is only here to find a med school student to marry. Really, how can I be expected to keep up my GPA, become employee of the month, and THEN go home and make sure my man is up to par with his shiz?! Pass.

Maybe it's because I've been occupied socially recently that I'm learning to be less reliant on my desires to have a romantic relationship. Whatever the case, I'm all about homework these days. To be honest I feel better about myself NOT being in a relationship. I know it sounds a little opposite, but I worry less. I worry less about having perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect shoes, perfect cute butt jeans. I mean...I'm not going to let myself walking around looking like I do when I first wake up, but the pressure just seems to be less.

So for at least today, cheers to being single.

I slept in till 1

Last night was really fun. The Cavs game was great! We played a card game while watching which made it 10 times easier for me to pay complete attention and not fall asleep. Don't get it twisted- I do like to watch sports. I'm very competitive and I love the spirit of it all. Just sometimes I would rather be watching American Idol...know what I mean? So, I give the game an 8 out of 10 on the funness scale.

So after the game, L and the rest of the Cavs game watchers went to a Birthday party. It's always a little weird going when you don't even know the guest of honor, but it was great! I have a super hard time making friends with girls. Pretty much I only have one girlfriend, Melissa, which is probably why I rely so heavily on having dates over the weekend as to not feel so lonely. So last night at the party I was able to meet some great girls and start a jumping off point for friendships! It's something I truly desire and I feel if I just take a few steps forward in effort to make it happen, It will. 9 out of 10 on funness scale.

After the party, we went over to L's house with the group and watched Shaw Shank Redemption. I'd never seen it and the edited version was great! Loved it. Even though I sort of fell asleep...but just a little.

So FINALLY at 4 am we drive into my neighborhood. We had a mini DTR in the car. DTR- otherwise lovingly known as defining the relationship. Really, I'm not opposed to them. I know they have this horrible connotation of being heavily weighed and extra invasive, but to me it's an important part of crucial communication. So, just to break it down, he said he really enjoyed spending time with me and would like to continue doing so. I told him I wasn't quite ready to jump into a new relationship (it's only been a couple weeks since super sad break up) and that it's important to me to develop a friendship first. Ultimately I walked away happy with the outcome.

The only bad part is my anxiety. I have so so much. I think about all aspects of the relationship- most of which I cannot control- and try to avoid any sort of hurt to either party. I'm still trying to learn that I'm not responsible for others feelings. They have that choice, to feel how they want to feel. Obviously this doesn't give me a free pass to be disrespectful, I just cannot carry that burden on myself, especially in dating land. I know he is older. I know he is looking for something serious. I need to be aware of that. And I also can't do something that compromises how I feel for it.

I wish things were easier. The way I felt with J felt so easy. But look how long it lasted. Was it too easy? I get that relationships and dating are hard. I get that. Sometimes I just wish...I can't even finish this sentence. I don't know what I wish. Just different maybe. A little different.

Where is everyone?

What the hell?! 2 days have gone by without a single reader. I need to figure out how to spice this baby up...and fast.

Tonight I have date with L, where we will be watching this:



Which will cause me to do this:



Ok, not really. It should be really fun. I'm guessing there will be a pretty intense group there and that always makes sporting events a little more fun slash scary.

So Saturday I will be doing this:



With my friend Josh, to get to this:

Where we will be celebrating my best friend Melissa's 22nd Birthday!!! We met as roommates a couple years ago in Provo and we have been super close ever since! She is definitely one of the best people in my life!

So, hopefully for whatever reason my blog readership will go up again. Although, the point really isn't to have readers, but to express my thoughts and feelings.

Today I'm happy to be single. I have so much going on with school and work I'm not sure I have time to fit in a real relationship. It's actually a relief when I have piles and piles of homework to do. No one else to take care of, just me.

New Background, New Letters

Obviously my blog is undergoing a little bit of construction. Please excuse its lack of awesome today.

Today was the first day of school...not bad, not bad at all. Excited for the semester, especially the class where I'm required to blog...What!? I know right?! So if you feel so inclined, that blog can be found here: overageandunderpaid.blogspot.com. It is purely for collegiate purposes, but who knows, it could end up being interesting.

So, need to update on the boy situation a little. No more J, so we move onto K. I met K close to the time I started this blog- he just didn't make it in time. But he is back and took me out while I was in California. We had a really fun date which included a Ducks game (Hockey) and a late dinner from Jack in the Box. Had a good time and was grateful for a break from time spent wallowing in my sorrows.

I also was able to meet a long time friend whom I'd met online 4 years ago. So weird...believe me, I know. Especially back then being 18 and so naive...we should be lucky he wasn't a murderer. So anyway, I got to meet him! He happened to be in California about 45 minutes away and made the drive just so we could say hello. We almost struggled for things to talk about, but glad to have met him none the less.

So last night...I had a date with L. I met L via facebook, but I already knew who he was, for reasons I may or may not explain later. We went to the BYU basketball game and had court side seats (awesome) then went to his house for the weekly event known as "Dance Party" (also awesome). I felt like I was free to by myself which I very much appreciated. I'm not sure we instantly hit it off on any sort of romantic level...but can you really know from one date?

That question has always plagued me. When it comes to dating and relationships I find myself in a constant state of anxiety. Being that I am diagnosed with clinical anxiety...I can't imagine it makes things much easier. I can never quite tell if it's my instinct slash conscience telling me what to do or my crazy imbalanced brain pushing buttons that should not be pushed. How can I tell the difference?

L and I have another "date" (not sure if it is a date, or just more of a hang out thing) scheduled for Friday. Should be a good time. Hopefully my anxiety won't decide to rear its ugly head that night.

Oh Happy Day

Well, I'm feeling much better today. Not even freaking out that it's a complete snow storm outside, I'm back to work, I'm again single, and school starts Wednesday. I'm actually excited!!

So a couple things I wanted to say about this past week- I had such a great time with the Hills. My cousin Berkeley married Cody Hill, and I stayed with his family this past week. I loved being able to get to know such a wonderful family, and seeing such a different relationship dynamic that I'd never seen before in Cody's parents, Jimbo and Gail. I appreciate the love they have for each other and their family. I love that they have their little moments where they don't quite get along, but at the end of the day they are happy with each other. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have experienced a different life.

I also had a couple of dates post break up while I was in California, promise to post more on that later.

In keeping my promise to write a little more than just about my ridiculous roller coaster relationships, here are some things you may not know about me:

1. I did a semester abroad in London, England summer of 2005 studying Art History. Loved it. Need to go back as soon as possible. I've decided if I'm single when I graduate I will move there for a year.
2. I was a ballroom dancer for 10 years. I won countless trophies and medals in team and individual competition. In 2002, I won a national championship in the Jr. American dances. One of the best moments of my life.
3. I was adopted. As are all of my brothers and sisters.
4. I have my Associates degree in General Academics from Utah Valley University. I also have a 3.62 GPA. I'm proud of that- school is hard!
5. I'm only 5'1. I was 4'11 until I was about 16, then got a couple more inches as the next couple of years passed. So, until 16, I was technically considered a midget.

Hope your post holiday back to real life day is going as well as mine!

From a Break to an Ache

I'm still a little sad, how could I not be right?! I was dumped. Completely out of no where. Didn't see it coming. Part of me doesn't want to hold back and just say every horrible thing I think and feel. Really though, it wouldn't help. I think if anything it would prolong my efforts to getting past my deeply hurt feelings. But I can definitely feel I'm getting some help from a higher power. I've just been trying to keep a positive outlook and find reasons to be grateful...

1. I got 7 books for school online...for 100 bucks!!
2. I get to spend a whole week in California...no snow!
3. This whole week includes no work, school, or agenda. I feel free.
4. I've been able to sleep. I have such a hard time sleeping normally, it's been such a blessing to be able to get some rest.
5. I went shopping (retail therapy) and got some killer deals.

So just a few off the top of my head. I've been thinking a lot about what the new year will bring (despite the holiday being much different than anticipated). I've never been one to set resolutions, but this year I think I should do it. I might be scared to make goals in fear of not achieving them, but I've felt excited lately. Excited and empowered to try new things. To learn things I would normally never think to attempt and to make those attempts successful. I don't have anything to lose so I might as well expand my ever growing horizons!

I really just want to be completely satisfied with who I am and the life situation that I am in. I refuse to wait for something to "happen" to which I can declare I am truly "happy." I work really hard. I should be able to relish in the fruits of my labors and feel good about the person I've become. I'm really not so bad. I am very loyal to those I care about. I have such a hunger for knowledge and a drive to succeed. I am ambitious. I want to serve. I want to make a difference in the world. I fight until the end. In every project I give 100%. Nothing is worth doing if it isn't done right. I try to do the right thing. I am responsible. I am reliable. I am independent.

I don't mean to say I'm this amazing person without flaws or a sense of reality. I just think it's OK to feel good about myself sometimes. I think the majority of my life has been spent feeling like no matter what I do, it will never be enough. I really just want to shake the chains that have bound me to that philosophy. I'm a good person.