Color to Black and White...Again

I'm feeling a little better than yesterday. Which is how things will go...better than the day before. I'm praying not to have any hard feelings, to be able to endure the part that is deeply hurt, and to still find some hope that not all all my relationships will end up in disappointment. I'm needing to push out thoughts of "real" reasons he did this, as opposed to the ones he told me about. Really, we are at different places in our lives. I've felt so much heart break. So much. I can truly appreciate how hard it is to find a connection with someone. To be able to feel right, to laugh, to smile, and even to be sad with someone. It truly is a rare commodity. But there is opposition in all things and we cannot know sugar without knowing the bitter taste. I know he'll figure it out, just like I did.

It really is a weird feeling to have your little world turned upside down in 10 minutes. It seems to trivial looking from an outside perspective, but feeling such intensity when it's so real to feel. I cannot hope for things to change in this situation. I cannot dream of him changing his mind and being able to value me. If I do, I cannot progress. The only thing worse than a broken heart is sustaining one.

Just a little Heart Broken

SO- I just got broken up with. More details to come. Just spent an hour in the bathroom crying. Not a happy girl.

In case you were curious.....

This is Nate and I - otherwise known as J, at my cousin Berkeley's wedding reception :)

Winter Freaking Wonderland

So, my sister gave me the pictures from my cousins wedding (good) but in all the ones with J, I look super tired (bad). After I do a little photo shop I'll post them! :)

Can we please talk about how horrible driving in the snow is? A trip that would normally take me 15 min today...took me about an hour. Didn't really have any near death experiences, but my anxiety level was through the roof! Excited for one more work day, then no more driving for me for at least a week!! That's what Dad's and cute boyfriends are for ;)

There are a lot of things going through my head today which mostly include the following: lack of self esteem, needing to figure out my monetary situation, making sure I'm being a good "significant other," finishing projects for work, Christmas shopping, and this list goes on and on. However, I really don't feel like un-filing all my brain cabinets today, so I'll just add a few more to my reasons why I like J list. Also.......his real name.......is..........NATE!

21. He tells me he misses me. It's nice to be missed.
22. He changed his status on facebook. "No longer listed as single." Ha ha...what has the world come to?!
23. He likes sugary cereals....as do I.
24. He is moving here in January!! (not sure if I've already said this one, but if so, I'm doubly happy about it.)
25. He truly is a nice, sweet person.

Feel free to ask any questions about Nate, or any other aspect for my life. I don't mind answering...even if my Mom does read this.

New Years Stupid

This really won't be a calculated post, as they usually tend to be. I'm just needing to vent some frustrations. J told me tonight that he may need to go to a party with his parents New Years Eve...which means I won't be with him. I feel like it's kind of a big thing for me to be coming to California to visit and I figured at least we'd be together that day. I don't know, maybe I feel like my feelings aren't being considered? But I know that's not the case, so I guess at this point I cant really articulate what exactly bothers me about the situation. One thing I don't understand is why I wouldn't be invited to go? I guess being that I haven't met them yet is a small part. Maybe after spending time with them that could change. I understand this is the first time in two years he has been able to spend the holidays with his family, so I'm really trying not to be difficult. In this moment though, I do feel disappointed. I need time to really evaluate the situation first so I don't say or do things out of emotion. I'm sure by tomorrow this will no longer be on the top of my list of frustrations.

A long way to happy....or just a few weeks.

SO- I wish I would have blogged as soon as the weekend was over because it was INCREDIBLE. I had the best best time with J. He is so great and sweet and Friday night we had our first kiss :) It was better than I could have imagined and it was just great being able to have time to actually be together! (as opposed to texting, which every day gets less and less sufficient). I'm going California the 27th of this month...but it seems so far away!!

Happy news on another note- I just got 100% on my final tonight! Seriously!! 100%! In a 3000 level class! I know right?! Pretty much I'm the shiz.

HOWEVER, I'm sort of bumming out now that I'm here alone with no J to celebrate with me. Also, some chick he met in institute wants to take him up on an offer he made a month ago about going to this shopping center with her. He hasn't decided if he wanted to go, he asked what I thought. What do I say to that? WELL, I said he should just decide and that I'd support whatever he did. At the time it was true, but the more I think about the more jealous I get :( He told me he wasn't interested in her at all and thinks maybe she just wants to go as friends because she doesn't know where this shopping center is. I believe that he isn't interested, but not convinced she thinks it's a friends thing. I hate being a girl sometimes...it isn't a big deal!! Just friends right? I wish I was there to go with him :(

Grrrrrr....long distance is retarded. If he wasn't moving here in a few weeks I don't think I could do this. But lucky for me he is and that makes me very happy :)

So, I think I might start talking more about my personal life in this blog...more than just relationships. Spice things up...keep you interested. What do you think? Not sure if anyone cares to read what I write let alone learn more about who I am. Meh, we'll see.

Next post....I might reveal who J is and post a pic or two...but only if you want to see :)

4 Tattoos

Ok, so I couldn't really sleep last night being that I was excited for today to come. Today means 1 more day until J gets here. So, normally I think I would be like, oh how cute, I want him to come so much I can't sleep. But it's not cute. I'm really tired and we all know how much I value sleep!! (pretty much number one on my priorities list). Not only could I not fall asleep, but when I did I had weird dreams about having tattoos. Is there anything significant about a tattoo that says Mr. Mango??! Yeah, I dunno, kinda creepy. And so here we are at work typing and sipping on my only reliable friend- Dr. Pepper.

I also had a conversation with I last night. We got some closure for the whole situation and I was really grateful we ended things on a positive note. He is a great guy and I only wish happy things for him.

So... to answer my favorite blog friend Julie...J is coming here for my cousins wedding. He is friends with the groom...it's how we met :) He is also moving here for spring semester at BYU, YAY! He is originally from California, which is why I'll be going there over New Years. Isn't it just a little better when you have someone to kiss at midnight? I think so. One time I kissed a random kid I never met, in front of my Dad. It was weird slash funny slash creepy. Anyways...More to add on to the things I like about J list!!

11. He texts me to tell me when he can't text me for a bit. I appreciate this!! I don't have to wonder if I said something to freak him out or if he died. I'd be sad if he died.
12. He doesn't think it's weird that I blog and is ok that I talk about him!! Sounds like someone is secure in their manhood! (ha ha)
13. He loved his mission. He served a mission for the LDS Church in Taiwan. So he speaks Mandarin. It's important to me that he loved it because it shows his commitment to the church.
14. He made me a CD of all his favorite love songs. Ok, totally know how this sounds, but it's not. I asked him once which ones were his favorite cause we were talking about Cody and Berks wedding song. So he said he had a lot of them....blah blah blah, made me a CD. So stoked to hear it.
15. He likes my dark hair. I like it too.
16. He is a communications major. As am I, which pretty much means we both love TV and can talk to each other.
17. He is close with his family. I like this because I am too. And I'm awesome. So he must be too.
18. He tells me stories when I can't fall asleep. Well he mostly texts me them but they are funny.
19. I told him I wasn't into facial hair so he shaved. He said he didn't do it for me...but come on...we all know he did.
20. He just sent me a text that said while he is here we should do nothing but cuddle, drink DP and watch good shows and movies. Pretty much my dream day ha ha.

J is a good letter right?

Maybe it's just the fact that I am deliriously happy that the end of the semester if approaching...or that J is coming into town this Thursday, to which I owe this feeling of immense excitement! Truth be told, it's probably a little bit of both!

We have been texting and IMing like mad people, technology is the shiz! I'm more excited when I think about him than I ever have been about anyone else...If you're a little weirded out by that, don't worry, so am I!

So, I'm going to make a list of things I like slash know about him so far. Maybe like 10 every post? Sounds good.

1. We have the same moral ideals and values. So important.
2. He loves The Office. Which of course you might think, "Who doesn't?" but sadly there are people who haven't seen the light.
3. Almost as crazy about Dr. Pepper as I am. Almost.
4. Likes to cuddle with me. He did say I was AMAZING at that. Which I kind thought was kind of weird slash funny.
5. He is much taller than me. Most people are taller- I'm an enormous 5'1, but he has a good foot on me I think!
6. He makes me laugh!! I would venture to say humor is one of my best qualities, but makes it hard to find people that can amuse me. He does. It's wicked awesome.
7. He isn't afraid to compliment me and say nice things to me.
8. He is best friends with Cody (cousin's fiance) and I love Cody. Cody, Cody, Cody.
9. He hates the cold (bad) but he says he'll brave it for me (good).
10. He is honest and open and can communicate with me!

This is so out of character for me to think this stuff let alone blog about it! I'm such a realist...but it's maybe kind of awesome to feel excited like this :)

And so it goes...

So.. I figure since I might have new readers since I began to blog...lemme explain. I date a lot. So far, probably not the best luck, but it's dating right? What can we expect? I started Summer of 2008, and began with the letter A. Currently, I'm on letter J. So far, so optimistic.

I've learned I'm really into self sabotage. Once I get excited about the prospect of new relationship, the realist in me starts to rationalize the feelings and not only suppress them, but justify their meaning. For example, he only likes me because he is on the rebound. And so on and so forth.

Sometimes I really do have a legitimate anxious feeling and know the that continuation of a relationship is not in my best interest, IE: I. It was so hard to have that conversation with him because I really do care. I care about his well being. I want him to be happy. I would never hurt him on purpose. And yet...hurting is just what I've done. I don't know about you, but for me? Letting go will never get easier.

Ex You!

Isn't it funny how life is? Of course, right when things start going well...an ex pops into my life. He text me to say hello, and all I hear is, hey remember how you still have feelings for me? Well, I'm here to make it harder for you...again! Yay! It's almost been 2 years since we've broken up...time to move on Bailey! I'm retarded.

I heart Texting

Not a ton of time to blog at the moment, so just a baby one. Can we please observe a moment of silence for the end of Thanksgiving break? .......So sad. I can't even tell you how much I needed the break. I went to California and spent the holiday with my Aunt and Cousin and her Fiance. So much fun, SO worth the drive. Also...happened to go on a date with J. I had actually met J a couple weeks ago when I was forced by Mom to go with Berkeley (cousin previously mentioned) and Cody (cousin's previously mentioned fiance). He seemed nice, but bowling and other chicks around wasn't really conducive to getting to know each other on a personal level.

So, happy to report we have so much in common!! Same music, same TV shows (we know how important my TV life is to me) and even same movies. Obviously trivial things, but enough for a jumping off point. He is currently in California which makes a slight dent, but he will be in town in a couple weeks and until then, texting is my bff.

I and I haven't spoken in about a week. I text him on Thanksgiving, but the correspondence was short lived. I think we both have an idea that we will only be continuing a friendship as opposed to anything romantic. I'm not sure if I should contact him via phone or email. I figure if he wanted to talk to me he would....but at the same time I don't want him to think I don't respect his feelings about the situation. He is a great person. I am a great person. Just maybe not great people together. Make sense?