C? Si.

Well, just to make this short- my friendship with B has officially ended. I felt like I needed to do what was best for me. I decided I needed to stay away from a situation that brought negative feelings, so here we are. I guess I still have some growing up to do.

As for A, I finally got frustrated and asked if he would rather just be friends. He said I probably knew it was obvious he wasn't wanting to pursue a relationship. Well...no...it was not obvious being that I had to ask your feelings on the matter, but OK. I am not too upset. Really, not upset at all. He was very sweet and kind, but we still lacked the ability to connect.

So.. now we have another candidate...C. I went to High School with him and he found me on Facebook recently and we have been chatting here and there. He asked me out for tomorrow, so we will see how that goes. I really don't have many expectations- I've learned I need to keep an open mind and whatever will happen...well...will happen.

Good luck to me.

A's and B's and inbetweens.

It has been a long time since I've updated. My mind has been all over the place trying to sort my feelings about different situations and I think trying to put the puzzle into paragraphs that fit together nicely was too much to think about.

I'll start with B. I had a couple of long conversations with him regarding my feelings for him and his lack of feelings for me. I really can't blame him- he has been open and honest in regards to wanting to remain friends and only friends, I guess I just mistook signals right and left. In the end, after some time to think and reflect, I decided I needed to be an adult about the situation. I needed to put aside my emotions and let go of some pride and be a big girl and not ruin an otherwise really great friendship. It's been a couple of weeks since then, and its been rough. I actually haven't heard from him in a couple days and to be honest I'm not sure I want to. It's easier for me to just remove myself from situations that bring negative feelings- especially because I can't have those feelings escalate. Part me hopes that someday things can be different, but right now the most appropriate word to convey what I think should happen to the relationship is death.

On to boy A. We have had a couple of really awesome dates. I love to spend time with him- he makes me laugh. Not to mention- I love to look at him! My concerns with him are as follows: 1. We only spend at most one day a week together. I know I can't expect things to move fast especially when trying to develop a substantial relationship, but really, one day?? 2. I haven't been able to connect with him on a deeper more emotional level. I realize this is partly my fault being that I've been preoccupied with B, but I really don't know how to bring that to light. I want to know more about him and I want him to know more about me. I need to have some sort of connection that goes beyond our favorite ice cream flavors.

A couple of ex boyfriends have come out of my past as well. I went to lunch with one, his name is Derek. I figure I can disclose names once things are over :) He is an amazing person and he is moving to California to go to law school. He'll be great and I wish him the best of luck. Next is Zack. He called me the other night to smooth things over. He is in Japan right now with a girl he knows I have had issues with. I know that if she wanted a relationship with him, he would be to her side in a second, but for some reason she doesn't see the amazing person I did. I still very much miss his friendship.

In writing, things don't seem as monumental to me as they have this past week. I've felt so overwhelmed and sad about the way my relationships have been going. I feel like I'm working so hard to find an end when I'm sent back to beginning after beginning. Really, the only thing I can do is focus on the positive and learn from my past. I definitely would not prefer to make the same mistakes.

Check Please.

I didn't do much today. I spent some time reading, slept a little, and prepared my Sunday school lesson for tomorrow. My family decided to meet up to eat- it was nice to get out of the house. I stepped outside the restaurant and right ahead of me, I saw a familiar face. Boy B.

My heart dropped. It fell into my stomach and exploded into a thousand glass pieces that went flying fast and hard. Sitting next to him- a cute little blonde.

This past week I had already made the decision-it was a lost cause. I realized that the last few weeks with B had given me nothing but frustration and sadness. So I wasn't supposed to care. I wasn't supposed to feel anything when I saw him laughing and smiling with someone who wasn't me. But I did care.

I want him to feel how I feel. I want him to be sad, angry, frustrated and upset. But then I realize, whatever he feels....I still feel.

I have a really hard time ending relationships with people. I feel like a failure. If there was something I could have done differently, it could have been saved.

Gosh, more than anything I don't want to feel it. I should focus my attention on the great date I had Thursday with A. He was sweet, and kind. After I made dinner, he made me sit while HE did the dishes! He asked me to teach him to dance....because he knows how much I love it. I wish those memories could overshadow the black smoke engulfing and twisting my heart. They do ease the pain a little.

Why do we have experiences like these? Times like this, I always wonder what makes it worth it. I need something that will make this worth it.

Few things hurt me the way rejection does. Not honest rejection, not blatant rejection. That I can handle. It's the subtle rejection from someone you thought you could trust and then in one second you see he could care less.

Life is never fair...but sometimes I just want a break.

And I was like, Yeah..Whatever.

Date with boy A was fun. I saw boy B last night.

For the first time since I can even remember I'm completely apathetic towards any sort of romantic relationship. I'm almost not sure what to do with myself. For years, there has been hope, faith, yearning, aches, pains, love, heart break, etc. and I have continued to press forward searching for an end.

The past week my want and need for a relationship has become obsolete. I can truly say with conviction that I do not care. I don't.

Is it strange I care that I do not care? I don't feel like I've "given up" but I really don't care to put forth more effort. Maybe next week I'll care.