Victorious

So you're wondering how my date with V went last night?! Good. Because I'm going to tell you!

Having had so much practice with first dates, I normally don't get nervous. I tend to only get nervous about things if I'm not good at them, but first dates? I'm good at those. I'm a PD remember? So anyways...I have to admit...I was a little nervous. It kind of reminds me when I was taking a public speaking class and the Professor said the second you stop being nervous, you should stop public speaking because you've lost your spark. Well...looks like I can continue dating.

SO...we met up at a restaurant (public place Heather :) at 7. I got to pick, so I figured if anything at least I'd like the food. I won't go into complete detail, so here are a few highlights of the evening:

1. Stimulating conversation. Just sometimes I'd rather talk less about selling security systems and more about anything else. I was interested, intrigued, and not annoyed.

2. He brought me chocolates. Awwww (I can hear you) I know right?! We had had a conversation earlier about my favorite chocolates and he was thoughtful enough to have our waiter surprise me with them. I offered to share, but he declined, which I was secretly grateful for because I want to eat them all. ;)

3. We didn't leave the restaurant until 10. You heard me. That's 3 hours, which barely even felt like 1.

4. We ended up taking a drive up the canyon and continued this previously stated stimulating conversation. Finally made it home at 12. I'm exhausted. It was worth it.

So there you go. Start of something good? Maybe. Excellent first date? Yes.


On a side note, I have a little surprise that should be ready by the end of the week (I hope!) So stay tuned.

Still 116....

My anxieties are through the roof today. It's an extremely frustrating feeling and not one I can do much about. It doesn't help that I lost this much weight-0-after dieting all last week and working out 4 days with an hour of cardio each day. So what to do? I mean...If my body refuses to change why should I stuff lettuce down my throat instead of Corn dogs=best food ever made?! The laws of the universe are failing me.

Also...guess who got a speeding ticket last week? Yep. The thing is...I totally deserved it. I was speeding. But for some reason I still am trying to find a way to justify being angry about it. It's probably because I'm an American and feel some sense of entitlement.

Dating front...hmmm...not much to report. I've got the gym guy date tonight (can anyone even remember what letter I'm on?! V...I think), and then was asked out by a motorcycle riding guy for Friday. Look at me! Getting myself back into the game....

However, more dating equals another dilemma. What to do after I've gone through all the letters of the Alphabet?! Currently taking suggestions.

The New Classic

I would consider myself a classic chick.

I don't mind the standard dinner and a movie date. The dinner part is obvious as you can converse and start to peal the layers of crazy one by one. The movie on the other hand can serve 2 very important purposes.

1. In case the conversation is lacking and you're on a date with someone who may or may not resemble George Costanza, (I didn't know! He seemed nice!) then you have a get out of jail free card. You can't talk during the movie. SHHH!

2. If it is a rockin date and he looks more like Mario Lopez, then you get to sit next to him and possibly get a hand brush or 2 *blush*

I also believe in the more traditional roles between man and wife. Although, I do fall into the second wave feminist category. This means that I'm stoked on shaving my legs, showering, and manicures, but I also believe in gender equality and the opportunity to do with my life whatever I see fit. I'm just sayin, I want to have the best of both worlds.

So...future husband...just know, I'm a classic chick...with a modern twist.

Seven.

Lately I just haven't really been inspired to write much of anything with substance. At the risk of boring you, I'll keep this short.



My days this summer have seemed to melt together as each today is almost identical to the previous. It goes as follows:



1. Alarm goes off at 7. I push the snooze button exactly 5 times, and eventually get out of bed at 7:25.

2. I've showered the night before. I take care of my hair and makeup as quickly as possible because I know I will be late to work.

3. I get to work around 8:10 (On time? No. Close enough? Yes). I work until 4:30, then head home.

4. I don't really know what happens from 4:30 to 7, but I'm sure I do something incredibly unproductive.

5. Around 7 I head to the gym where I try to picture myself thin in hopes finding some motivation to keep running.

6. I go home and mess around on my Laptop, which has usually been overtaken by my family, then jump in the shower.

7. I jump into bed and wonder how I ever left it in the first place. I flip through channels hoping to find any of my favorite shows and usually wait until I can barely move my arm to turn off the TV.



So there you go, my life. 7 steps encompasses my entire life. Great.



On another note, I've set the date for the date. Monday. Sorry, objectors, the Yes voters outnumbered you.



Have a wonderful date filled weekend my lovelies!

Sweet or Scary?

Monday night I was completely focused on finishing my workout strong. I was cycling like my life depended on it and watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 (getting divorced?! Broke my heart!)
And then, I was interrupted. This guy walks up to me and sets this on the front of my calorie counter:

* "You're Stunning- Let's go out- Call me. Charles."

So... I'm leaving it up to you. Should I go out with him? Vote here ------------------------>

*Personal information ommited as to protect the individual's identity.

Party Time

I had sort of a pity party for myself last night.



I am turning off comments for this post because I want to be clear: this is not about me finding validation through any of you. I know you're all so wonderful and would come to my rescue with comments about how gorgeous I am, but that isn't what I want. I just figure I can't be the only one feeling this way, so maybe in some way some of you can relate.



Comparing myself to others always sets me up for failure. And yet, I can't seem to stop myself from doing it sometimes. My sister came into town this week. My sister looks like perfection. She could be on any magazine cover and you would think she is just another super model. Growing up with that was really hard. My guy friends and even some boyfriends would see her and wonder how they ended up with the wrong sister.



Last night at the gym I would watch eyes follow certain woman as they would walk from machine to machine. I don't necessarily want that attention, I guess just sometimes it would be nice to feel like eyes were following me.



But really, comparing ourselves to others is ridiculous. Not only will we never come out on top, being that there will always be someone who is better at whatever attribute we feel inadequate, but different people have different ideas of beauty. Ultimately, I just hope whomever I end up with is glad he ended up with the wrong sister.

I've got time on my hands

One of the biggest mistakes people can make with regards to romantic relationships is rushing into them. I've been guilty of this. I would meet someone and we would run full speed spending every day together and it would just turn into this serious thing before I could even say "I'm afraid of commitment."

I think at the beginning we create the person we think we are with. We don't have the reality of who they are, as we haven't spent much time with them, so we fill in the blanks with whatever wonderful, incredible, beautiful qualities we decide they have. In my case, I spent years not being able to completely let go of someone because I loved him. I didn't think I'd find that love again with someone so amazing. Then one day, it hit me. I created who he was. He wasn't this patient, loving, kind and sensitive person I had decided he was. Maybe he possessed those qualities, but not near in the percentage I was determined to believe he had.

My solution is just giving it time. There are so many unknowns and there is no rush to dive into a situation that could potentially be more trouble than it's worth.

On a side note: I've been so happy lately! What a great feeling! Loving life has rocked my world.

The End.

So Live your Life

Growing up and dealing with a few heart breaks I wondered what it meant to be emotionally healthy and "mature" through it all. It seemed like my world would crumble when my relationships would end and I would be sent through a twister of pain and such deep sadness that I wasn't sure I would ever feel the same. Even when I was the one that initiated the breaking up!

These past couple years I think I've learned how to accept the pain of not having a significant other and acknowledging that it's there. I think this is important. This is a part of my life and I can't change it and it hurts. But that's where it needs to end.

We can't live our lives dwelling on what could be or should be. My life is meant to be lived and when I wrap myself into a blanket of memories and wonder what I could have done differently, I'm only stifling my progression to happiness.

Living in fear (or the past) does nothing but suffocate the potential for beautiful life experiences. It is OK to be sad. It is OK to take time to mourn the loss of someone that can no longer be a part of your life. It happened. But eventually, we need to get back up. Pick up what is left and start being the people we were meant to be.

There just isn't enough time to sacrifice our potential for feeling alive!

Chocolate Milk

I love chocolate milk. I do. I think it's one of those vices that just makes life a little sweeter for me. But by chocolate milk...I don't mean just any kind. It needs to be Nesquik. It is very important to me. Generic just doesn't cut it and in fact it makes me angry to drink it- the opposite of the sensation I am looking for in the first place!


So what about the generic version of "love"? Not necessarily love in it's purest form, but the side effects- things like holding hands, snuggling (remember I hate the word cuddle), and even kissing. Sometimes it just feels good enough to drink the generic version of love with someone you aren't emotionally involved with and revel in it's side effects.

I can't choose when I get to fall in real love. Movie love will come and go, but real love...that's the Nesquik. It will be an incredible day when I can feel the love I've always wanted and hoped for, but in the mean time, sometimes I'll just have to deal with the generic...and sometimes even that can taste really good.

Mr. Right....now?

You know, the past couple days I've been on this kick with just "meeting Mr. Right now...no need for Mr. Right!" I thought maybe if I just didn't take things so seriously eventually I'd meet a Mr. Right now and slowly and naturally the now would fade away.

But today I felt so sick. And when I'm sick, I just sometimes wish someone was there to take care of me. A Mr. Right would have been great today.

My turn!

I have a movie lust crush. It's true.

This is how it happened.

My super sweet friend Heather and I decided to hit up the Kelly Clarkson concert Thursday night. It was amazing. She is lovely. While we were waiting for Kelly, there were 5 bands/People that played 1 song each as part of a Utah's got talent type thing. The band that won is called Imagine Dragons. While the final prep steps for Kelly were happening, a super cute boy came up to Heather and I and gave us a flier about Imagine Dragons performing at a local club the next night. I didn't have plans...he was cute...I was so there.

So last night...I decided to do it. I was going to find him and I was going to talk to him.

I was nervous. When I was younger this was no big deal. I would go up to guys all the time and even ask them out. Then, after a few failed relationships I decided to just let them come to me. If they were interested, they could do the work, and if they weren't it saved me a lot of heart ache. BUT, he was too cute for me not to do anything about.

So first, I made friends with the merchandise people, who also happened to manage the band. I told them about said cute boy, and they jumped at chance to help me find him. After a couple hours, and leaving Velour (club) to go to Sammy's (different club) and coming back, I gathered the courage. He was right next to me. I wanted to say Hi but one of the opening bands would not end their song! It felt like forever! But it ended...deep breaths...and I did it.

Turns out he is even more cute after talking to him. Sometimes it definitely doesn't work out that way! Imagine Dragons even helped me out by playing a slow song and suggesting we slow dance. Perfect. Then, the end of the night came. Goodbye cute boy. Oh but wait...he asked for my number!!

This could be the start of something good...or just a movie lust crush. Either way...it's fun to feel butterflies :)

Movie Love

Remember when you were younger and you'd see in movies how the boy and girl would accidentally bump into each other in their high school hallway, books spilling everywhere, and as they bend to pick up the mess of homework assignments their hands touch and BAM! they're in love? Remember how you wished that could happen to you?

OK...maybe it was just me.

But I wanted it. Growing up I've always said that I never believed in love. That I knew life was not a fairy tale and that relationships were rough and full of rocky roads. But deep down inside....I still hoped. I hoped for movie love.

The more I think about movie love however, the more I understand that it truly is an illusion. Just like the movie in which the love story develops, movie love will end. Those fireworks will stop exploding, the butterflies will disappear, the kisses will have less spark, and your significant others eyes will lose that sparkle you once saw so bright.
So now what?

*True love. True love is what I want. The kind of love where you choose to be there. You choose to sacrifice who you are and what you want because you want so much for the other person to be happy. The kind where you can cry and laugh together and no matter what, you know they're in it for the long haul, because you are too. The kind that can bring more happiness and joy that movie love could ever bring. I want that love. And I believe in it.

Jeff Koons 'Hanging Heart'


*Based on thoughts from "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Amazing. Read it. Now.

Verdict

Well, I planned to go with sexy blond as most of you voted was my best look (and I agree) but things went a little differently at the salon. Basically, my hair just wouldn't get to the ideal color without being damaged to a point where it would start to break off. So, being that I would rather have darker hair than no hair, this is the outcome:

I don't hate it. It's healthy. It's shiny. And after my next appointment...it will be blond. So there you go. The picture isn't completely in focus and makes me look like I glow in the dark, but at least you get the basic hair color idea.

On to more important things.

As I was cycling at the gym the other night, I started to listen in a conversation between dark haired guy and no haired guy. From what I gathered, dark hair guy is engaged and just wanted to hear from no haired guy that he was doing the right thing. Basically, dark hair guy ultimately felt like he didn't have the passion about his Lindsey (fiance) as he had about past girlfriends, but it's too late now and he's at the point where he should get married, so why not right? No haired guy thinks he is making a big mistake and should marry someone that he loves just as much as she loves him.

Ummmm, excuse me...but I don't really want to marry someone that has luke warm feelings about me. I want him to be excited and be passionate about me and just feel ready and happy. Maybe she'll never know the difference and they'll end up in love and happy. Who knows. I just hope that conversation doesn't go the same way for my future fiance.

The Golden Rule...s.

Lately, as I venture to the gym every day, I get to study the interactions of the human species in regards to the male and female dynamic. I did notice something that I think most women have a problem with; presenting yourself outwardly to the kind of people you want to attract.

There was a beach blond-orange skinned-dark eye make- up girl next to me on Saturday and guess who comes sauntering up to her within the first 10 min she was on the machine? That's right, the quintessential meat head- fried brain cells- fauxhawk -gym guy. They were perfect for each other.

If that's not the kind of person you're looking for, then its important to be careful and take the time to dress in a manner so the people you do desire will be attracted to you.

First dates especially are key because you can only make a first impression once. Here are a few rules that I find helpful:

1. Shower! OK, so it seems obvious, but sometimes we are in a hurry and think, "My hair isn't THAT greasy." Yes it is. Wash it. Smells are very important in attracting potential mates, so at least be clean!
2. Heels. Wearing heels may not always be your cup of tea, but it shows the guy that you care and wanted to look special. Plus, your calves look amazing. It's true.
3. Be comfortable. Like me, I'm sure you stress about that first date outfit. But the most important thing is to pick something you feel comfortable and confident it. There is no sense in wearing that tight revealing shirt when you'll just be adjusting all night and being worried about where things are. Find something YOU feel good in!
4. Don't over accessorize. Too much bling can detract from your face and let's be honest, most guys have a short attention span anyway so don't wear too many shiny things that will distract him. Plus, you could come off as high maintenance.
5. Take emergency supplies. Even if you don't end up needing hairspray, a brush, eyeliner, or lipstick...bring it anyway. This way, in case something happens you have your first aid kit AND you don't have to be worried about being unprepared.

So those are a few rules I follow. Hopefully they help! Most importantly, just be you :)

Put me in Coach!

June 6th came, and June 6th went.



As you know, I've been sidelined from the dating game due to a wounded heart. Saturday I put myself back in for awhile and I must say the expectations I did not have were exceeded.



My awesome friend Erin decided to set me up with U. First, it is important to note that he actually called me. As in, he picked up the phone, dialed, and used his voice to ask me out! This has become somewhat of an anomaly these days with emails and texting, which in my opinion is ridiculous. A+ on that.



He picked me up at 5:30 (on time) and we headed to dinner. He gave me the option to choose which I appreciated but we ended up at the first Italian restaurant we saw. It was lovely. Next we were off to the Real Salt Lake soccer game. I had never been to a professional soccer name. People go nuts there. And excuse me...did someone say David Archuletta?! He had a free concert after the game! I think U was more excited about that than I was. It was cute.



After the game we met up with Erin and her fiance for ice cream. It was so good to see her and catch up...and she looked as gorgeous as ever. It's so funny how with some people no matter how long its been you can pick up right where you left off. Loved it.



After that we took the long drive back home. The most interesting thing about this date is that I walked away knowing almost as much as I knew about him when he came. Close to nothing. But...we were talking the entire time. I can't quite figure out what it was that we talked about...but I do remember it was fun. We definitely bonded over our love of 80's pop music which I'm not sure there is a stronger bond to be made.



So, my final assessment: I had a great time. I appreciated very much the efforts he made for me and I hope that I made his time worth while. Sometimes I think we (women) don't give enough credit to the guys for taking us out. So to U, and any guys who feel unappreciated, I offer my sincere thanks. U was kind, sweet, and made me laugh. I would definitely do it again.

I'll read you

Last night I had dinner with my good friend P, Joanne, and Chris. J&C presented me with my very own "real" first ever book. It's a hardback that contains my first 100 posts of this blog. It truly is incredible. Holding it in my hands gives me a sense of accomplishment. I did this. I wrote these words. It's a high that I need to find again...good thing I'm starting my first book soon :)

I love blogging. It really is just a fancy word for keeping a journal. As I was looking through the pages, I could just see the changes I've made so clearly. I am different...I am better. Seeing where I've been as opposed to having only a flicker of memories makes me appreciate so much more the design and shape my life has taken.

Writing has such a tangibility that everyone should experience in their life. Although you may not think so, people want to read your story. Your life is interesting because it doesn't belong to anyone else. I want to read who you are.

Dear everyone I've ever known....

Relationships in any capacity are fascinating to me.

I wonder how different my life would be had I not encountered every single person I've ever met. I'm sure for some of them, like the person who bagged my groceries, or the cashier at the gas station, my life would have turned out just the same had I not crossed their path. But when I think about my 6th grade teacher who pushed me to work harder, or my dance coaches who were there for me every competition, or my best girl friend I met in college, who would I have been without them?

Even in my romantic life there are people I needed to experience. I needed to meet horrible verbally (and probably physically had I stuck around long enough) abuse guy so I would know that not only was I strong enough to leave, but that I would never allow myself to be treated that way.

Ultimately I'm grateful for all of them. Of course I have insecurities, but generally I think I can be proud of the person I am. Thanks world! ;)

Food Baby

I didn't feel well this morning.


Last night my friend P (it's been forever since I've mentioned him, but we've become great friends!) and I went out to dinner. I'm pretty sure I ate my weight in greasy fast food. So when I got home I ate Tums like candy and went to bed. My poor body had a night of tossing and turning. This morning I called in and told work I'd be there later than normal.


Now they are all convinced I'm prego with morning sickness.


Although I am not... I think I should still throw a No-Baby Baby shower. And everyone can bring presents. I could really use some new pumps.

Different strokes for different folks

Growing up my parents taught us not to focus on material aspects.

"Experiences are more important things," my Mom used to say.

I agree with this sentiment. But that doesn't mean money isn't important.

I'll be completely honest and tell you that when I'm dating someone, their future plan with regards to finances is something I care about. I don't need a big fancy car or a massive house on the hill. I don't need to buy designer clothes or fine jewelry. I do very much want a few things though....

1. I want to be able to give my future children the opportunity to find their passion. I love dancing so much. More than I could ever express. But there was always a part of me that knew it was really expensive and I felt like a burden to my parents on many occasions because of it. I would be lying if I said my decision to stop competing had nothing to do with the monetary aspect.

2. I want to be able to take my family on vacations. Although my parents didn't have a lot, somehow my Mom made it a point to travel with us. Those are some of my most sacred memories.

3. I want to help people. I would love to start a non-profit foundation that raises money for women suffering from depression and anxiety. It would put funds toward drug research and therapy for those who can not afford it.

I believe in traditional values. I want a husband who will provide for my family. Of course I plan on having finishing my education and furthering my career. I know this is something that differs for each individual. But for me? I want to feel some kind of security.

Where are you?

It's amazing what the morning can do after a night full of darkness.



I thought I had moved on. Last week, he asked me to read a book about love. In that conversation he gave the implication that maybe...we could try again.



As I read the book I became full of hope. Hope for love, and hope for loving him. Days passed and the hope grew as I turned the pages. I decided I could do it. We could do it.



I don't know what changed, or why things turn out the way they do. He didn't want to try again. He made that clear. My heart felt broken...again.



But today....today is better than yesterday. By miles.



Although he wont let me love him....I feel hopeful that I can love someone else. He'll be lucky....when I find him.

Surprised? Me too.

I imagine being truly rejected feels much like being buried alive.

A part of you is terrified of what may happen. You're confused, scared, anxious. You can't breathe and your chest gets heavier by the second. You keep asking why this is happening to you and what you did to deserve having to go through this experience.

This is how I felt tonight. Completely and utterly rejected by someone that holds a part of my heart.

I'm in pieces. I'll tell you why tomorrow.