Saturday, August 30, 2008

Hope is for Lovers.

I've always tried not to let my emotions surface. When I think about love, happiness, charity, forgiveness...a part of me doesn't believe in things so pure. I see movies where they live happily ever after and for a second I feel excitement and hope that it can happen for me...but the other part...the other part is a realist. I know that relationships are more than hard work. I know there will be times where I feel like giving up. For a second though, I like to let myself feel it. Feel that maybe, someday, I can love in it's purest form. Maybe I should let myself feel it more.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

3 strikes, you're out!

Unfortunately, things didn't turn out quite like I'd hoped. E and I had 3 dates...but for some reason I just couldn't feel a connection. After realizing I didn't think I was interested romantically; I beat myself up about not being able to have feelings such a great guy. He was sweet and kind, more than I could have asked for.

The biggest hold up I came to terms with, was that he couldn't make me laugh. When I think about the person I want to be with, I envision myself laughing and being able to have funny conversations. This wouldn't have been with case with E. And so, the search continues.

There is actually someone new that I've been talking to more recently. I wont give him as a letter, as they have to be earned by taking me out. But this guy, he could be a prospect. I am however, very weary as he is in an "open" relationship with someone.

Personally, I have a few definite hang ups about what they call an "open" relationship. As I understand it, this relationship allows you date someone specific on more of a long term basis, while dating others as well. I guess I just can't seem to understand how I would be able to trust someone in that type of relationship. To me, this status is just an excuse to keep dating the same person for convenience until you find someone better. I have done things like this in that past, but I didn't give a commitment to anyone but myself. It seems to be just another loop whole for people to avoid the rocky, scary terrain of a complete break up.

I say, if you're willing to get involved in a relationship, you should be willing and brave enough to get out of it if needs be. No sense in wasting your time, or someone else's.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

One step closer to Z.

Yesterday at 4:00 pm I was dateless on a Friday night. At 4:30 pm? I wasn't. My spontaneous date with E turned out better than expected.

The way we met is unconventional to say the least. I was busy facebooking...which has become the usual in my less than invigorating job, when I saw a friend had just posted pictures of himself in Las Vegas at the Nevada Star Ball. It's a ballroom competition and being the dancer I am, I had to check them out. In one of the pictures I saw this really cute guy...and not one to be shy, I made a comment about how good looking he was. I didn't think much of it until yesterday when he sent me a message! We ended up chatting online for awhile and made a date. I met him at Barnes & Noble; from there we went to a party.

We had a great time talking and getting to know each other. When I first saw him, I wasn't sure how it was going to go, and even after talking for awhile I was still a little reserved. As the night ended, we still had things to talk about and I appreciated that.

Last night he text to let me know he was interested in going out again. I really appreciated him being straight forward and open. Even if he wasn't interested, I really think he would have told me- which makes me like him more. So next Tuesday we have a date. I'm not in love with him and I don't quite get butterflies yet, but it will be fun to see what happens.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Break me off a piece of that...

Last night I went to the gym for the first time in a long time. It felt so great just to run. I was so focused; I wasn't listening to music, watching TV, or thinking about anything else but how fast I could go and how hard I could run. It was amazing.

One thing I did notice- there are some amazing looking people at the gym! I couldn't help myself. I was soaking in the incredible man candy there seemed to be an abundance of. For a second I decided to not worry whether if they were nice and sweet or stupid and cocky. I just looked. I'm going to the gym more often :).

Friday, August 15, 2008

I've lost 5 lbs...

These past few days have been incredibly frustrating. I've been so sick and in turn I've become slightly depressed. I have a lot of great friends who have kept me company via facebook, and sent their well wishes. My concern is C. I don't think he could care less that I have spent hours in bed with moments of vomiting. I hoped he would have asked if there was something he could do for me- not because I would have let him- but the thought would have been nice. Clearly, I would like to be with someone who would think to ask, which is why this situation is such a disappointment. I liked spending time with him, but I am not really sure where to go with it.

At this point, its probably likely I'll move forward and entertain other prospects. I'm very black and white when it comes to ending things like relationships, there isn't a grey area. If it's over, it's over. I really don't know if that is the best way to approach things, but it's the way I've always worked. Is there a middle ground that will suffice? I wish there was. It's hard to walk away, but even harder to be stuck in the middle.

Monday, August 11, 2008

I'll keep some secrets...

Sometimes it can be really hard to blog knowing that I'm not the only one reading my words. It's my own fault for letting it be public I guess. Even so, it can be intimidating.

This last week I spent some time with C. We have fun together, but I wish we would talk more. We end up watching movies...I wish we get to know each other better but talking during a movie isn't exactly kosher. We have been seeing each other about twice a week. I'm not sure what he is looking for as far as relationships go. It's something you can talk about, but with every person it's different. The key is to finding out if he wants a relationship with ME. I guess we will find out sooner or later.

I had a date last week with D. He was a great guy; one of those you just know would be an amazing boyfriend. I'm not sure either of us felt any spark that would lead to a romantic relationship. However, one of my first serious relationships; I didn't like him on our first date. Even though we didn't end up together, I loved him and we had some great experiences.

I was supposed to have a date this week with someone new. I won't give him E because he canceled. I wish he wouldn't have, I was really excited about getting to know him better...but as much as I'd like to sometimes we can't control anyone but ourselves. If it seems like there are missing pieces, it's because there are, but I'd rather not get into it.

I've become a little more comfortable with dating different people, however I'm still used to being interested in one person only and them in me.

Monday, August 4, 2008

At least I can type fast....

It's been a rough day. It's been a rough little while but as the days pile, it gets a little harder to smile. I'm especially self conscious lately. I don't feel attractive at all. I know I need to do the things that help, like work out, and maybe even paint my nails once in awhile, but it seems hard to even go to the gym feeling so insecure.

My birthday is coming up soon. The older I get, the less exciting birthdays have become. I was so excited to turn 16, 18, and even 21. But now with 22 just around the corner I'm forced to look back and wonder what have I done worth mentioning? It doesn't seem like much.

I thought my life would have been so much different by the time I turned 22. Especially in relationships. Growing up in Utah County, I honestly expected myself to be married at 18 or 19. And here I am, not only not married, but single as well. It can get depressing, but at the same time I wouldn't trade my life experiences for anything. I've been a lot of places and seen a lot of things and I will carry them with me forever. Sometimes, I just wish I had someone to share what I've learned with.

I have friends who wonder if they will ever get married, ever be in a relationship worthy of marriage and it's easy to give them advice- to tell them don't worry, just live your life, enjoy the journey that life has brought you to now. But it's 100% harder to tell those things to myself. And believe them.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Excuse me, I'm what?

Well...My date with C ended up being really fun. I wasn't sure how we would get along being that we didn't know each other too well in high school and the only contact we have had is via Internet. However, the date ended up being better than expected. We played pool for awhile and then went to eat ice cream at Cold Stone. We had our ice cream outside and talked and eventually were the only two people left in the entire parking lot. Once we got to my place, he came in and we ended up talking for awhile longer. All in all- succesfull.

During the date, outside Cold Stone, I became incredibly self aware. I don't remember what he said or what we were talking about, but all of a sudden I could almost watch myself. I could see what I was doing and for the first time it became extremely clear why some people would be repelled by my behavior. The best word I could think of to describe it is intense. I think I come across and forward and aggressive. I ask questions, really try and get to the know the person- but finally after 21 years on this earth I can see it. I can see how I might be pressing too hard. Pushing for answers when maybe all I need to do is let them come to me. It's almost a painful realization, but I believe in change. I'm not sure which parts I want to change, but I think i'ts about time to reflect on that.