Blah blah blah, I'm so cool

It's been a great day. Nothing truly spectacular happened, but I've been completely productive every minute and will not feel guilty taking a nap after work. I even had the courage to talk to some people I didn't know today. And by talk I mean more than just say hi, like have a real conversation. Does everyone else in the world have no problems with this? Maybe I'm the only one that feels a little weird and kind of like a creeper for just going up and talking to someone. If I wasn't so self absorbed maybe I'd realize other people have those reservations as well ;)


Something I forgot to mention, and by forgot, I mean wasn't sure I wanted to post about- I'm having breakfast tomorrow with a boy. I've been out to lunch with him before, totally blew him off to hang out valentines day, but I've decided to stop being stupid and just be his friend. What do I have to lose ya know? He doesn't seem like my "type" as far as dating goes, but like I said in my last post, maybe I haven't even met my type...hence my singleness! So...yeah. I guess we can call him P. (I looked forever for a post where I actually explain that I give letters to the boys I date instead of using their real names, but I couldn't find one! So....FYI...letters=boys...in case you're new :)


Finally.... I know you've been on the edge of your seat waiting...a new Reason to Run!:


10. If he only talks about himself, he doesn't need to hang out with you!

I hate when this happens. I try and get to know people when I'm out, but let's be honest, the easiest thing to talk about is ourselves because it's what we know. But at the least it's polite to let the other person talk for a second. I get bored when guys go on on on and on about their summer sales adventures (oh, stereotypes, you're the best).

Happy Dating...and Happy Friday!!!!!!

Analyze THIS!

I've decided that every guy I see that doesn't check me out is gay. Probably a very very wrong assumption, but whatever gets me through the day right? ;)

So we are continuing on a positive streak..feelin good friends. A little snag came today when I found out the average on part of my media law test was 65 and I got a 76 (awesome!) but I was really sad when I couldn't text old best friend to tell him about it :( I know he would have told me how great and smart I am- and really, who wouldn't miss that. I miss talking to him and texting all day every day...miss the company. Still wounded from that but every day gets easier. Tear.

I've been thinking lately about how much I prejudge what may or may not happen with someone I'm interested in or is interested in me. I've discovered that I'm ridiculously analytical in all aspects of my life- relationships included. Sometimes I won't even give guys a chance because I'm too afraid of hurting them or getting hurt. This is not good. I don't want to live my life and make decisions out of fear! What the heck am I doing?! So we're going to work on taking a little different approach from now on. I remember ex # 2 I wasn't quite fond of after our first date- but we ended up falling in love- how bout that?

Awesome alert: I will be spending my spring break here:



I don't go to be the typical tourist or to get drunk and run around crazy- most of my Dad's side of the fam live here. I don't think I've been since August (WAY too long) so I'm super stoked to see everyone! Knowing this is coming will hopefully get me through these next couple weeks of life hating as a result of homework and hard tests. And my stupid job.

I think I need to meet some new dating prospects. Any ideas how to go about that?

Yeah, me neither.

Hi, You're Cute! Let's Date!

I'm feeling good today. I've gotten a lot accomplished already so I'm feeling productive and that makes me happy. I still have so much to do, but it will be nice when it's done that it will be worth it!

Still have lingering angry feelings about him, but I'm OK right now. Just trying to push those thoughts away. Time to be done with that. The only person it hurts is me.

As I was in class today, I was thinking that I'm a smart chick. Ha! I know it sounds weird, but I am. I feel like I have informed opinions and I'm educated and I do really well in school..I'm smart. Problem is, I think it can shy guys away sometimes. I think maybe my style can seem abrasive which may imply that I carry that over into relationships. And maybe I do. Who knows? I just wonder if this is something I should work on changing, or do I just say hey man, it's the way I am-I don't expect someone to change for me, why should I change for them? Hm. Don't know.

Thinking about going dancing tomorrow, but I don't need any more tiredness which helps me justify skipping Friday morning class. Every morning I think about the consequences of not going. Used up my allotted absences in like the first month. Awesome.

Alright, so nothing much else to report. Saw a cute boy today and totally wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't think of a way to say what up without looking like a crazy! It sucks we can't just walk up to people and start talking, but then again if people did that to me I think I would be angry. People are weird ;)

Will return to Reasons to Run soon, promise. Also- I want to know who you are! So if you could be so kind as to publicly follow my blog I'd be eternally grateful- plus I want to read your blog!

Happy day before almost Friday!

So I went to bed angry

I couldn't sleep last night because my mind kept going back to the picture incident and I kept feeling overcome with rage. It was ridiculous. I thought, if I can just fall asleep, I'll feel better in the morning and it wont be such a big deal.

Today- I feel a little better. I'm still mad. I am. I feel like I was completely disrespected. There isn't much I can do to change the situation and I'm trying really hard to keep it out of my mind and move forward. That's good I think.

I'm so tired today! I think because I thought it was a good idea to take a nap around 5 yesterday. I always think I have really good ideas and sometimes they're the worst ideas ever...like burning down my school. I don't think prison suits me. Although all I really need is Taco Bell, Dr. Pepper, and a TV, so I mean if that's what prison is like, sign me up!

So this Friday I'm going on a friend date with Josh. I'm sure I've written about him before. We dated like 3 years ago for like a second but decided we were better as friends. I like that he is cynical about life like me :)

Here we are at Temple Square a couple years ago with my baby sister, who looks like our child.

I do feel like I have a more positive outlook on life today and I am confident and I can accomplish all my school assignments without stressing too much *deep breaths, deep breaths*

Also, I'm really jealous the whole world- and by that I mean everyone in Utah county- is engaged and not me. Bleh. Happy today though, I swear! :)

Warning: Sad.

Every time something happens, I have a personal struggle about whether or not to blog. I want to open with my readers and myself but sometimes I just feel like I can't be made too vulnerable. But today, I'm struggling to keep my head above water and need an outlet more than I ever have.



I lost one of my best friends. Don't worry, he isn't dead or anything- but our friendship just had to end. I realized I had developed feelings for him and held on to some sort of hope that things with his (as I like to call her) pretend girlfriend would change. Yesterday he started talking about things getting more serious with her, and it felt like everything inside me started to crumble. I wanted to escape and run and run as far as I could but I knew no matter where I got feeling so helpless would follow. I tried to hold on but spent the night crying wishing things could have been different. I still do. I know this is inevitable. You can't be friends with boys who have girlfriends.



Today I wanted to text him so bad. Especially when I saw pictures Nate posted on his facebook. When dumped me, he kept emphasizing there was no one else- when I didn't even question whether or not there was. But I guess he felt like he needed to say that because guess what? There was. Now their faces are splashed in pictures that I never wanted to see. I deleted him.



I'm sitting here trying to breathe and just hold back tears that are ready to pour in endless streams.



Just took a break to compose....and back.



I'm just wondering how I'm going to get through it all. I'm exhausted physically anyway pretty much all of the time. I'm emotionally exhausted from all these things, and I still need to worry about staying on top of school- 2 midterms, press release, chapters to read, etc. and continue not getting fired from my job. I just feel like I can't do it. I know that I need to, and I know that I will...but today and right now I don't know how.



I feel alone today. And that makes me sad.

The dance floor is my stage!

It's been too long...I shouldn't have left you...without a dope beat to step to!

Alright so this week was ridiculous. I had a massive media law test I studied crazy for...and did mediocre. Um, dear grad school...I hope I get to see you one day.

I will say Thursday night was AMAZING! I went up with friend from high school and a bunch of other peeps and hit up Studio 600- this sweet no alcohol dance club. It felt amazing! I really haven't been dancing like that since I was 18 and this was a completely different experience. It felt so good to move and to feel the music, but what I loved even more was the realization with how much more comfortable I am with myself. I rocked jeans, a t-shirt, and trainers and felt sexay. I remember feeling so self conscious and constantly worrying what other people were thinking and if I looked fat and blah blah. I didn't feel any of those things Thursday. I felt confident and that I could just dance and let go! I'm a good dancer, but I think before I was busy being so worried and I would hold back but that night I just did what I love and it was such a good feeling! Totally plan on doing that again!

I'm so stoked this week is over and that it's almost 12 and I'm laying bed blogging. No sweet plans for the night, but I'm sure I'll find something to do. If not, there's always those 2 midterm papers I need to write.

Be back soon...promise promise!

Man Baby

As much as I love blogging about ridiculous stories involving my life, I will say it's nice for the waters to calm a little. Sometimes I forget I have the real responsibilities of life and have weekends where I pretend homework isn't waiting for me. And then I remember that I have a huge media law test this Friday and a part of my heart dies a little. Not going to lie, I'll probably end up eating my feelings! Mmmm I love sugar with a hint of saturated fat and carbs.

I've been lonely for awhile. Not in a literal sense, as I am often surrounded by people all day every day. It's the feeling of a hollow body and feeling like no one you see or talk to has any idea who you are but wishing they did, or wishing anyone did. I do have a freakin awesome life. No denying that fo sho! I mean seriously, love my little Passat I drive around (even though I wish someone would total it so I didn't have to keep making payments), I love learning and have the opportunity to be college educated, I have a nice room, a TV (the love of my life) and awesome people I can count on. Just needed to count my blessings...they are many.

I'm not going lie, sometimes I feel like I want to stab someone. Today it's a lady I know whom I won't reveal, we'll just call her Spud. I love that she has no sense of personal space. She also looks like this:

In some ways she makes me laugh, but sometimes I think violent thoughts. I'm horrible.
On the dating front: not much to report! I'm tempted to make up a boyfriend like George Glass. But then again, being single has its perks. Guess who bought herself some sweet stuff on Sephora instead of having to buy some dude I'll probably break up with a Valentines Day present? Yup... me! Don't worry though, any new and exciting events I'll be sure to blog about.

And don't think I forgot...today's Reason to Run:

9. If he starts to get in your space (calling, texting, calling some more...) he's probably a baby and those are no fun.

So real babies are fun, don't get me wrong. But, you don't want to date one. You need a guy who has his stuff together and can survive without you for a day! Insecurities can ruin a relationship, so make sure he is stable enough to last a second without talking to you!

Peace, love, and of course...

Happy Dating!

Stupid homework...

Well, this weekend has definitely been interesting.

So..if you've been keeping up, I had a "date" on Friday. Was not a date. It ended up being the three of us, Me, friend from high school, and friend from high schools friend. To be honest, I ended up having more fun with friend from high school. I think he has changed for the better. The three of us actually ended up spending the entire weekend together. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Not gonna lie, kinda weird some of the time but I do enjoy the company.

As much fun as it is to hang out though, that isn't exactly what I'm looking for. I want more than that. I still want to date casually, but dating and hanging out aren't the same. With hanging out there really is no expectation for anything to go beyond just that. With dating, I think both parties understand that you're trying them on. To me, boys will always be like shoes. Although I've had way more shoes that fit.

Basically I'll spend the next week doing homework. I like to think I have a little more self control than I do and that I use the weekends to do homework. But then I don't. I'll keep blogging, but I won't promise anything worth reading ;)

Happy Presidentos day!

How do you feel about orange jumpsuits?

Well, after a ridiculously drama filled week, I'm back. Feeling solid, so we're gold!


Last night I went to Velour (a local small town band venue) to hear my cousins band Green Like July. I'm always stoked on hearing their music, but what I didn't know is that they were opening so A. their set was like 15 minutes and B. it cost me 15 bucks to get in! A dollar a minute people! So basically it's like I called a 900 number to talk to some creepy robust woman. Ok, not that bad but still kind of a bummer. Sweet concert though. The 2 other bands rocked my socks so I'm not hatin. Saw some totally cute boys but not really my scene. Most of them looked high. To each their own right?


Alright, so super random- remember last blog when I talked about meeting people in magic weird ways? WELL, last night I'm chillin and this friend guy I have (whom I have spoken to maybe twice in the last 6 years) instant messages me and wants to hook me up with his friend. So I checked him out on facebook (not stalking, just checking for normalcy) and he's cute and we have some of the same interests. So...tomorrow night I've got a "date." Again, not sure what's going to happen so will not call it an official date or do any letter christening until after the fact. Mostly excited to meet new people, only slightly nervous.


Today's Reason to Run:


8. If he has any charges pending, don't even think about it!

Totally happened to me. I find out this guy I was chillin with had pending charges for alleged kidnapping and sexual assault. Um, WHAT?! Yeah, peaced out of there real fast. Mostly likely this dude is kind of insane and could hurt you in more ways than one. So leave. Seriously.

It feels a little odd to say it after that one.....but....

Happy dating! Ha

Table for 1

As I sit here waiting for American Idol, I finally have some time to relax.

I just got back from dropping off something at my ex's place. Zack. I wasn't sure how this would be, but turns out I've done a lot of growing up. What is funny is that he seems exactly the same. In talking to him I just realized the way I respond to him and the things that he does has changed so much. I am more patient. ME! More PATIENT! I know right?! I didn't feel any bitterness of vindictive feelings. It really was a pleasant experience and I'm just grateful to be able to see a change in myself. I know we all hope we change and become better people, but the only gauge we have is the mirror we see ourselves in from other people. Which clearly cannot always be reliable.

I think maybe sometimes people read this and think that I claim to be this great and awesome person and perfect at everything I think people should do. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It's ridiculous how many mistakes I make, knowingly and unknowingly. I just try my best to try my best.

Whenever things start to slow down in my normally fast paced dating life, magically I meet some random person in an unexpected way. I'm waiting for the unexpected I guess :)

Today's Reason to Run:

7. If he stands you up, or "forgets" you had plans, feel free to give him a second chance, but don't expect much.

If it happens early on, better believe it will happen again. And guess what? It will probably happen often. We deserve a guy who can remember he has a super hot date and appreciate that!

Happy dating!

P.S It's been a super horrible day. Send love my way!

Peace and Love, Man

I HATE myself for not having time to update!

Ok, so this weekend: good, but not great. I actually ended up hanging out with O, but to be honest it was more frustrating than anything for me. It's clear that he has some lingering feelings about another chick. I'm ok with that. No matter how horrible the other person is, or how bad they treat you in the end, you can't just turn off those feelings like a faucet. You need to time to recuperate and put pieces of your broken heart back together. I get it. I've been there. My request is just for people to take care of those problems first. I've totally jumped into relationships WAY too soon after some of my most serious ones ended and it was absolutely the wrong thing to do. I think parts of us will always be with them, but if you are still wishing and hoping and thinking every day about them- that needs to be dealt with before you move to someone else. I'm down to be friends...but that means exactly that! Be my friend! I think sometimes guys are freaked out about sending wrong signals, but that wouldnt be a problem if you just talked about it right? Yes Bailey, you're so smart.

I've just realized that I don't want to be a poor man's Ashley, or a poor man's Brittany, or a poor man's Megan, etc. I want someone to appreciate ME, and I think it's ok to want that. I know I've learned from doing that to people in my past. They didn't deserve for my thoughts to linger on someone else when I was committed to that relationship. I will try my best not to do that to anyone, and I hope for the same in return.

The thing I want the most right now is just to have drama free relationships. And I mean relationships in any capacity, not just romantic. I want to have open and honest communication without making such a huge big deal about everything. It's possible! I know it is! So current and future friends, I'll do my best to be chill if you promise too :)

I'll get back to Reasons to Run tomorrow. Have a lovely Monday!

Wait, What?!

As I was driving to work today I finally realized what I've become.....an adult.

When did this happen?! All at once I realized I have a car, I have bills, I have tuition and books, I have responsibilities, and I have a dating life! Ah! Where have I been the last 22 years?! It's a little bit disheartening to know I wont ever have any time back. All the parts of me that I was are gone and all the parts of me today will fade in time. It's not totally horrible. Sometimes it can be fun knowing I've made this life for myself. A life that I can generally be proud of. About time I realized it I guess huh?

So...not much contact with O. I really believe that he isn't into playing games, which almost is worse because if he wanted to text or call, he would! Ha. Who am I to complain though? I've stated numerous times recently that I am looking to date casually (which is probably a lie, because the right person can change anything). So I only have myself to blame. I'm probably over thinking this and tomorrow I'll be done being weird about it. Sigh.

As I'm typing this, I just had a conversation with a friend...and now I think my perspective has changed on all of this. Hm, I don't really think I want to blog about it, but just know I'm confused slash irritated.

You better be texting your Mom...

I keep having sweet awesome dreams that give me such great blog ideas and then I forget them when I wake up! I should really write them down....

Alright, SO, last night O and I spend the evening together. It was great! I'm not sure how to put it because it seems like phrases such as "We had a blast!" or "It was so fun!" would more apply to skydiving or cliff jumping. We didn't do those things, to which to I am grateful for because I'm sure I would start crying. We did however, spend a relaxing evening together filled with a mediocre American Idol (I'm going to write a letter...but probably not) a super sweet McDonald's break, and an amazing slew of The Office episodes complete with deleted scenes.

We also got a chance to talk and get to know each other. And don't worry, we also snuggled! I like the word snuggle better than cuddle I think. I don't know, cuddle sometimes reminds me of curdle which makes me think of cheese and expired milk. Ew. Anyways, snuggling was GREAT! I love to snuggle when I don't feel creeped out or forced and if I'm afraid he might kiss me when I don't want to. Obviously none of those things happened, which is why I give it an A plus plus.

He has yet to ask me out again....and in case he is reading this, I'm available Friday :)

And of course, today's Reason to Run:

6. If he starts texting during your date, then refuses to tell you who it is or why he is so rudely interrupting your time together, he can get to steppin.

I seriously hate that so much. He is supposed to be on a date with ME, but apparently my company just doesn't cut it. We deserve a cute boys undivided attention because we are sexy and awesome. Feel free to text all alone away from from me...because I'll be on a date with someone who is respectful!

Happy Dating!

My O My

Finally! A New not lame post!

Ok, so lemme give you the run down on new letter N. I met him at a Sunday game night (previous posts). We ended up hanging out almost every day last week. The thing is, he started to get SUPER needy. I realize he just moved here and didn't know very many people, but I am not in a position to be responsible for that. Anyway, turned into too much drama than I need. I'd still like to be his friend, but I think I may have burned that bridge. Not intentionally, but he seemed super sensitive to things. I promise I care, I'm just too exhausted emotionally to worry about it too much.

Ok, so last night I had an unexpected date. I consider it a date because he bought me dinner. I don't know any official qualifications as to what is considered a date, but I just made one. So there we go. Ok, so I went to family home evening (church thing) last night (I've been trying to be more social) and I was planning on leaving but our new letter O, said he hadn't seen all of the 3rd season of The Office. What?! So I told him I had it and said I needed to get food and he said well let's go! So we did. It was really fun! Tonight we are going to watch American Idol and more office episodes. It helps that we are neighbors. And TV isn't lame so don't even go there!

I'm still not looking for any serious relationship. It seems all that happens is I end up with so much anxiety I can't stand and then I cry and freak out and somehow have to end the relationship. And then I meet someone new and it happens all over again. It just hasn't been worth it at all lately. So...still in time out mode from serious dating. We'll see how long that lasts.

And of course...Today's Reason to Run:

5. If he suggests that you pay for half of dinner on your first date, peace out fool.

I mean seriously, if he wants to take you out, paying for it should be his responsibility. If he can't afford to take you out, he should make you dinner. I appreciate that even more sometimes! So if does something as ridiculous as this, you are welcome to find someone who will. Of course after you've been dating awhile, it's polite to offer, but on the first date? Yeah right.

Happy Dating!

Time Out!

SO- I'm taking a "sick" day today. The only reason I put quotations around "sick" is because it isn't the physical kind of sick.

I'm completely overwhelmed and stressed. I feel behind in the race and I need to catch up somehow. So tomorrow, I will update you and the boy stuff, but for today....I'm going to try and relax!

More than anything I just want to be happy with whatever situation I'm in and I feel like that isn't happening. Instead of getting happy, I'm maybe just going crazy. So...cheers to mental health days.