Warning: Sad.

Every time something happens, I have a personal struggle about whether or not to blog. I want to open with my readers and myself but sometimes I just feel like I can't be made too vulnerable. But today, I'm struggling to keep my head above water and need an outlet more than I ever have.



I lost one of my best friends. Don't worry, he isn't dead or anything- but our friendship just had to end. I realized I had developed feelings for him and held on to some sort of hope that things with his (as I like to call her) pretend girlfriend would change. Yesterday he started talking about things getting more serious with her, and it felt like everything inside me started to crumble. I wanted to escape and run and run as far as I could but I knew no matter where I got feeling so helpless would follow. I tried to hold on but spent the night crying wishing things could have been different. I still do. I know this is inevitable. You can't be friends with boys who have girlfriends.



Today I wanted to text him so bad. Especially when I saw pictures Nate posted on his facebook. When dumped me, he kept emphasizing there was no one else- when I didn't even question whether or not there was. But I guess he felt like he needed to say that because guess what? There was. Now their faces are splashed in pictures that I never wanted to see. I deleted him.



I'm sitting here trying to breathe and just hold back tears that are ready to pour in endless streams.



Just took a break to compose....and back.



I'm just wondering how I'm going to get through it all. I'm exhausted physically anyway pretty much all of the time. I'm emotionally exhausted from all these things, and I still need to worry about staying on top of school- 2 midterms, press release, chapters to read, etc. and continue not getting fired from my job. I just feel like I can't do it. I know that I need to, and I know that I will...but today and right now I don't know how.



I feel alone today. And that makes me sad.