I'm late, I'm late, for a very important....

I have a date tonight. Last week, I spent some time with old friends of mine- turns out there was someone a little more interested than just being friendly. I will say I have some reluctance in writing so personally; you never really know who is reading your heart. However, I have always been a promoter of honesty and integrity, and if I can't say it to them, I shouldn't share it with the world.

For all intents and purposes, we'll call him A. I've known A for a few years, but never thought of any sort of possibility of anything more than friendship because I've never felt he was romantically interested. Apparently, he is. I am not sure where I want it to go, or if it is going anywhere at all- but I don't want to guess. This time, I just want to take what is coming to me.

At the same time, part of my heart belongs to someone else- even though he can't be responsible for it right now. We'll call him B. B has become an amazing friend. A person I truly admire; admiration does not come to easily to me. I feel safe with him. Safe and Happy. However, I am having a hard time writing the next sentence because it starts with BUT. BUT, the timing isn't right. I like my job, BUT it doesn't pay the bills. I want to go on vacation, BUT I'm not willing to take out the time. Ugh...BUT. I obviously have some feelings I've not quite accepted, can you tell?

My recent goal, having started to pick up in dating again, is to take my time and relax. Do what feels right and continue from there. I want to say that I wish it was easier, but I think I'm starting to welcome the challenges.

A taste of insight.

Normally, I come to this new post page with a title and theme of exactly what I want to write. Today, I do not. I feel an urgency to write for the sake of what is being written as opposed to pleasing an audience I am not sure really even exists.

I think the most valuable thing in life we have is time. When it's lost, we can not get it back. We can not buy it, we can not steal it. My thoughts have often circled on the timing of life and how important it is to what our lives become. Had I not had certain experiences in my life at the exact and precise time I experienced them, they may not have had the impact they were intended to have.

Because time is not tangible, how can I find a way to have faith in it? A common phrase, "Time heals all wounds" is simply a way for us to find hope that someday our lives will become different than they are at the particular moment those words console us.

I want time to agree with me. I want to agree with time. I have always fought for things to come faster than they do, to break barriers of the time at which they are supposed to come. To hell with time.

When I pit myself up against that brick wall of having an ever increasing hate for time, only then do I remember that without its presence, I would not appreciate what it gives me. Time has given me knowledge, hope, faith, love, and virtue. I'll always struggle in an inner battle between patience and a raw passion for my needs to be met when I want.

But maybe in time I will learn to succumb to what matters most. How funny that the thing I despise the most is the only thing that can save me.

I don't have Insurance.

I'm not sure I've ever let myself be completely vulnerable to another person. I've shared personal information of course, but I'm not sure I've ever absolutely subjected myself to the option of feelings not being returned.

I've always been exceptionally good at turning on and off feelings and not letting myself step beyond my comfort zone- to save myself from any heartache that could possibly occur.

Recently I've come to a point where it becomes harder and harder to resist in expressing my ever increasing feelings. But this also means putting my heart on the chopping block. To risk having my heart smashed into a million little pieces after which I'll have to pick up all over again. Like the title states- I don't have insurance on broken hearts.

I know I can recover, I'm not afraid of that part. I have moved on in the past and I know that I can do it again without a doubt. However, I have a choice. I don't need to subject myself to the possibility of a deep dark shadow following me for the few months recovery time takes.

So I ask myself: what makes our confessions worth it? Is it life experience we gain? The possibility of a true, lasting relationship? Does the reward outweigh the cost?

Funny how all my usual characteristics; such as being insanely decisive and courageous, seem to not exist when it comes to the world of relationships.

He loves me, He loves me not.

I am a very meticulous person. I have a need for everything in my life to be wrapped up in a perfect little package. I always know who, what, when, where, and how. I don't like risk, change takes time, and most of the time I feel slightly out of control.

I am the worst candidate for love! It's been awhile since I've been absolutely 100% for sure in love. It's something I crave. I have always thought I had this desire because I am in fact a girl, but recently I've learned this need can be attributed to both genders. My problem lies in the fact that there is no time frame for love. Not only do I not have any control as to when I'll meet the person I could possibly fall in love with, but I also don't have any control as to how long it will take me, or him, or any other circumstance that is needed to progress to the aforementioned.

Can I just have a month, a day, and a year? I'll show up and we'll fall in love and I can continue on my life plan without interruption.

I guess a major question that needs to be answered is what is love? I consider love to be a choice. A choice to become involved in another person, to sacrifice yourself for them, to give everything you can even at the expense of your own happiness sometimes. I refuse to believe its all butterflies and rainbows. It isn't easy. But is it worth it?

It will only take 1 person I fall in real love with to show me that its worth it. But what do I do in the mean time? The 50, 100, or 1000 guys I need to go through to get there really don't seem encouraging in my belief and hope that SOMEDAY (this elusive time frame that is not committed to me) I will find it.

In a life where I feel like I can't sit by and watch and wait, where I have such a strong need to be proactive in my choices, can I really just stand by and find some faith? Is falling in love a right as a human being or a privilege? Have I done enough to be deserving? I'm not sure.