He loves me, He loves me not.

I am a very meticulous person. I have a need for everything in my life to be wrapped up in a perfect little package. I always know who, what, when, where, and how. I don't like risk, change takes time, and most of the time I feel slightly out of control.

I am the worst candidate for love! It's been awhile since I've been absolutely 100% for sure in love. It's something I crave. I have always thought I had this desire because I am in fact a girl, but recently I've learned this need can be attributed to both genders. My problem lies in the fact that there is no time frame for love. Not only do I not have any control as to when I'll meet the person I could possibly fall in love with, but I also don't have any control as to how long it will take me, or him, or any other circumstance that is needed to progress to the aforementioned.

Can I just have a month, a day, and a year? I'll show up and we'll fall in love and I can continue on my life plan without interruption.

I guess a major question that needs to be answered is what is love? I consider love to be a choice. A choice to become involved in another person, to sacrifice yourself for them, to give everything you can even at the expense of your own happiness sometimes. I refuse to believe its all butterflies and rainbows. It isn't easy. But is it worth it?

It will only take 1 person I fall in real love with to show me that its worth it. But what do I do in the mean time? The 50, 100, or 1000 guys I need to go through to get there really don't seem encouraging in my belief and hope that SOMEDAY (this elusive time frame that is not committed to me) I will find it.

In a life where I feel like I can't sit by and watch and wait, where I have such a strong need to be proactive in my choices, can I really just stand by and find some faith? Is falling in love a right as a human being or a privilege? Have I done enough to be deserving? I'm not sure.