Double the c, double the s, then you've learned to spell Success

I've been thinking about writing this post all day. Initially I wanted to write about trust and honesty: two vital components of making a relationship survive. Not only survive, but successful as well.

Then I wondered...what is the definition of a "successful relationship"?

In a previous post I said that I no longer believed the relationships in my life that have ended were failures. But are they successes?

Ive decided this: any relationship where you learn something that in some way can help you better yourself equals a successful relationship.

It is a far reaching statement when you think about relationships ending in divorce or even relationships that involved abuse. But when you walked away...when you decided to take whatever path you chose...did you leave knowing that you were going to be a better person? When it wasn't your decision to end that chapter of your life did you look back and keep bitter feelings inside wishing things could be different or did you think about what you could do differently to not make the same mistakes?

I do believe that the end of relationships requires a grieving process. But then you pick up the pieces, and decide to make that previous relationship a "successful" one.

Let's go fishing!

Alright people, there is still time to vote! And for all you boys out there who would never admit to reading my blog, make sure to vote :) I will be making my decision...in the future. Ha.


Ok..so couple things.


1. June 6 I have tentative plans. With a boy. More details to come. You'll enjoy this story.


2. Remember Reasons to Run? WELL, I have one today- but this one is for the guys. This came about when I was getting my nails done the other day and this chick was on her phone, making sure everyone could hear. From what I gathered, she was talking to some guy that she met online but hadn't met in person. Basically all I could get from it all is that she doesn't eat pork, but her friend Stacy loves it, but phone call guy loves pork and makes pork that doesn't taste like pork. Deep stuff huh? However, this is not the most annoying part. Which leads me to today's Reason to Run:


12. If your chick LOVES to fish for compliments- let someone else do the high maintaining.




Seriously though, she kept talking herself down so she could just hear him say how great she was. I don't know about you, but this is for sure one of my least favorite characteristics about people. I think it could be for two reasons, A. She has low self esteem. And in my personal opinion, you should love yourself first before you can fully love someone else or B. She really does need that validation which totally equals super high maintenance. So girls don't do it, and boys- feel free to have my permission to run.

Bringing sexy back

I've gotten sick of feeling unattractive. I don't know if this is a byproduct of my break ups, but I haven't felt up to par lately. So...I decided to do something about it. I've been going to the gym as often as possible (5 days last week..hope to make it 6 this one!), I went and got a tanning pass (I love being pale, but sometimes I need a little summer color), I got my nails done, and I plan on changing my hair. Problem is, I don't know what to change it to! So...here are the options, and I need your help in deciding! Remember...this time we are just deciding on color. Look to your right and you'll find a place for your opinion- so please vote!

Option 1 (No, I can't date him...he is my cousin!)

Option 2- My fancy Niece!

Option 3- My baby sister!

Square peg, round hole

I had a major break through yesterday.

I had been texting an Ex about a couple of things and I was just so frustrating that I still haven't been able to completely let go and every time we speak I have feelings of sadness and anxiety about what could have happened... but didn't. We were actually talking about how he had become friends with a girl I went to high school who's become a pretty sketchy chick. I was frustrated that these are the kinds of people he spends his time with. You are who your friends are.

What it really comes down to is that I was still sad that he didn't want me. I tried so hard to be everything I could for him and put so much effort into the relationship. I loved him.

But then as I was driving last night it just hit me. Every time I talk to him I get so upset about things he does or people he is with or the way he lives his life. All this time I'd been upset about this person he could have been but wasn't. I wanted him to be my perfect guy...when he just wasn't. He ISN'T! So why continue wishing I could be with someone I saw so much potential in when that isn't the person he is?! That isn't what I want! I want to be with someone that is my perfect fit. I don't want to force the puzzle piece in when it just doesn't go there.

I feel done. It feels over. And I am so grateful for that.

Take it back!

One of the hardest things about falling in love is fearing the unknown. You never really KNOW how things are going to work out.

When I go to Nordstrom and find the perfect little black dress and come home to realize that it does in no way conceal that spare tire, I can take it back...because I have a receipt. When I pay for love, through time, devotion, loyalty, etc. I don't get a receipt and I can never take it back. This is a risk we all have to take every time we open a door to the possibilities of falling in love.

Being the overly analytical person that I am, with a dash of loving to be in control, I have to think about all aspects before I make a decision. I tend to not be very spontaneous and I love to know every step of my plan. Even when it comes to making plans with friends, I NEED to know what day, exactly what time, exactly with who, and exactly where. Otherwise I am less than inclined to participate.

So maybe thats what it really boils down to. I've had experiences in the past where I've opened up and fallen completely in love only to realize in the end that as much as I wish I could take it back, I can't. I'm just too afraid of the lack of return policy.

All I really want...

Well, today I'm having a mild case of writer's block. I guess when you're trying to diet it just sucks the awesome away. So instead...feel free to enjoy this little gem:



Mallory (left) + Bailey (right) + Las Vegas + Plus laughing Syd in the background= Amazing.

About 1:02 is where it gets particularly incredible, in my humble opinion.

Stop flirting!

I've discovered my comfort zone is slightly different than most.

Saturday night I went to a bon fire with some friends and I had to stop myself from reverting to old habits: finding a cute boy and sparking conversation. This is what I've always done and being that I want to take a break from dating, I had to find a way to enjoy the night without batting my eyelashes. Funny right? I mean, I guess I've just built this little wall around me and will only open the gates to potential dating prospects. You'd think it would be the opposite.

It does make sense though. I've really never had great friendships with females. I tend to get along with guys better. I think part of it is sometimes I feel so intimidated by other women. Is that weird? I guess I just assume they wont like me and will be judgemental...which I guess is a judgment in itself. Hmm.

So this week my plan is to branch out and working on developing my friendships. I think at the very least in the long run this will be beneficial to me mentally and emotionally.

I'm not kidding...

So T invited me to go camping this weekend. Camping. Me.

Those of you who know me in real life know that for me, camping is like a scary Motel 6 in Idaho. So this should be interesting. But...as part of my new positive outlook on life (yes, I've decided to have one) I'm going to try new things. So camping it is.

Hopefully I'll have pictures to document this baby step...and hopefully I won't refuse to put them up because I look like a bear mauled me in the night. Wish me luck.

Give me drugs or give me death

The past couple days have been rough. I had an intense migraine Wednesday and I don't think I've ever had a headache like that before. So..I took a bunch of drugs and figured I would sleep it off. Thursday I come to work and about 4 hours in I start losing my vision. I don't know if losing is the right word...but basically it felt like I was looking at a reflecting pool. So that went on for awhile and then my whole left hand went numb. Needless to say I was pretty freaked out...so I called my Dad. I think no matter how old I get, when I'm freaked out I'll always call my Daddy.

So my Dad gets a nurse on the line and I explain to her the issues and she says to go to the Emergency Room. No thanks. So I went home and hoped that if I just slept it would go away. Well the sleeping helped...and so did the IB Profen.

So here I am at work today...drugged up and hoping it will get me through the day. I hate being "out of commission." I'm already feeling like I'm being unproductive without school, so the least I can do is work!!

Update on the date canceler...still no word from him. I'm basically done with that. I really don't deserve the run around. I don't care that much if he doesn't want to go out with me, but don't make a fool out of me by not telling me what is going on. We can most likely chalk it up to him having less than stellar communication skills. Oh well. Moving on.

Not the best night ever...

Well...he canceled. Shocked? I'm not really. I kind of had a feeling it would happen. He said we might be able to do it Thursday. I guess we will see...I'm kinda bummed. Sigh....

I've had a massive headache the past few hours that's started to lighten up...thank heaven.

Change it up

Tomorrow I've decided to take a slightly different approach than some of my normal first dates. I think it's because so far...I am interested in this one (as opposed to not knowing if I'm interested at all!)

I've always been good at flirting. I don't know why. It's just a gift. I actually met my ex Derek while I was giving a flirting lesson to my old roommates. I know, right? So anyway, flirting...and being charming and witty...those come naturally. However...I have a few tendencies to do some less than stellar things...

1. I can be too sarcastic. Sometimes it seems that if my sarcasm were fire I would light the entire room. I have to be careful with this because A. Sometimes people don't understand it and B. They don't know me well enough and it can seem rude and off putting.
2. Sometimes I can be rude and off putting. I don't mean it! I swear! I think sometimes I can't hear my tone of voice or hear how things sound and I just sound like a bitter single adult man hater. I'm not!
3. I'll hold off on saying any compliments I feel. I've come to the conclusion that I do this because then I am vulnerable. They now have the ball in their court so to speak. But I think I should just say it. Who doesn't like a compliment?

I'll let you know how my new "techniques" work out. Cross your fingers!

Magic day

My weekend was pretty uneventful, but pleasant. Basically kept myself busy...did a little retail therapy, hit up the gym, and got my nails done. Sometimes I feel like I'm too high maintenance for myself.

So..I have a date this Wednesday. Wednesday seems like the magic day for me I guess. I'm excited for this one. I'm trying to be realistic about things but at the same time be open to something new. I've found myself just not even wanting to go out because I'm thinking I just don't want to go through it all again. I figure if I feel right about it I should just go for it. I guess we will just wait and see!

Lucky me

In the past couple weeks I've talked to 2 friends from my past....they just got divorced. This is a trend I've been experiencing for the past year or so. Friends whose weddings I attended making the transition back into the single world they thought they would never know again.

I must say, as lonely as I get, as hard as it has been to end relationships, I would not trade that for having a marriage that didn't last.

These are good people. Good people who in some situations are divorced because of the actions of their partner. I am in no way making a judgment about anyone who is divorced. However, I would bet that none of them would have ever asked to go through a divorce.

I am lucky this is not a trial I have experienced...and hope more than anything not to experience.

Professional Fat Dater

Well, it's been an interesting morning. I've been working out consistently for the past 2 weeks. So when I weighed myself this morning, imagine my delight when I saw the scale go UP! That's right. Working out makes me gain weight. Ugh.

I was able to see my final grades for last semester today. I've done better, but I've done worse. Oh well.

So...I "forgot" to mention...I had a date last night. Honestly, I don't even know how it happened. One minute I'm talking about wanting to see a movie, and the next I have a dinner and a movie date for Wednesday. I think we can officially consider me a Professional Dater. Not to be confused with Professional Relationship Haver. It was fun, and T was very nice. Wolverine rules. It's weird having to continue with letters again. I'm still having reservations. I'm just not ready yet. I thought maybe if I just put my foot in the door I would start feeling more ready. But maybe just not quite yet. I still miss Nate. I do fine during the day but when night comes I start to get emotional about it again. It's weird. I hope that won't continue very much longer.

And...big news here...for the first time ever...I got hit on at the gym. Yes. Me. And get this...he wasn't a total creeper. In fact, he seemed fairly normal and nice. Of course not only am I a Professional Dater, but I'm also a Professional Social Media User and found him on Facebook. And I didn't even know his last name. I'm so amazing...or there is really something wrong with me. Take your pick.

Training Wheels

I've always felt like when my romantic relationships didn't work that I was a failure. I would constantly think about what I could have done differently. Maybe if I was more thoughtful, or more caring, or didn't worry so much. Maybe if I was more kind, made more jokes, listened better. I would begin to think about the superficial; he didn't want me because I wasn't thin enough. Maybe if I had blond hair, or if I was taller. Maybe I needed a tan or had better legs. Whatever the case, especially when I was younger, I would obsess about these things which would only lead to a self destructive spiral of sadness.

But not anymore. I don't think the relationships I've had, or the fact that they didn't last, makes me a failure. Every relationship we have is a part of our relationship training wheels. We learn things. We practice. And someday, when we are ready, we can graduate to a big girl (or boy) bike. At first it can be a little scary but it will be exciting and new and before we know it, we are going faster and faster.

I remember a few years ago a friend of mine was engaged and she told me her fiance said "what's wrong with Bailey? why isn't she married?" or something to that extent. FIRST off, I was only 19! Second, no one has the right to pass judgement on me, especially when they barely know me. And third, everyone is different. Although it doesn't make me happy, I would be lying if I didn't have a small piece of vindication knowing that she and her husband are barely speaking and their relationship has lost its honeymoon lust.I wasn't in support of their relationship as I thought they rushed into things (probably the reason he didn't like me).

I guess what I mean is that I'd rather wait. I'd rather have my training wheels on longer than be in a place that doesn't allow me to feel and be the best person I can be.

Church day hey baby hey

This weekend has been good. I don't dread the weekends the way I used to when I was younger and single. I think I just need to make an effort and I'll have things to do, as opposed to just waiting for people to invite me to things.

I went to a movie with my little brother Friday night. It was perfect. Good movie and good company. It's just nice sometimes to be with people who you know exactly who and what you are. Putting on a mask and a happy face can be tiresome when I'm not 100% quite yet.

Tonight I went with Josh to dinner and then he was kind enough to come with me to some family things. Josh is the friend everyone needs. He fills in for any events when I don't have a boyfriend. I'm sure he doesn't know how much that means to me. But it means a lot.

I'm ready for church tomorrow. There is just something about being consumed in spirituality that is very uplifting. Then back to the real world. Which is fine. Just wish it didn't start at 7 am