Secrets, secrets are no fun!

So...I've kind of maybe sort of been keeping some secrets from you. But don't be mad...cause I'm going to tell you right....now!

1. There is a Mr. X. I can't say much about him. Really, I can't say anything. Keeping him a mystery just seems fitting doesn't it? I will say...he gives me butterflies. Smiley face.

2. I had a date Monday with Y. I really enjoyed his company and he was nothing but sweet. We cruised on his sweet awesome motorcycle (No, this is not motorcycle guy I was supposed to go out with, and yes, I am a sucker for bikes). We went to a movie...and I'd actually seen this movie twice in theatres already, but it's OK...because I love it :) I would like to see him again, but my heart seems to be a little occupied. I'll be sure to let you know of any further developments.

Almost to Z people, can you believe it? I can't. I'm not sure I had any expectations to not get through the whole boy alphabet, but I also can't say I'm surprised. A little sad? Maybe. Happy that I've had all of you around to enjoy it with me? Absolutely. Still need suggestions on how to keep track of the boys after Z...so get thinking!

Still can't believe he egged my car...

Women generally have a natural tendency to care- to be caring. We want people to be happy and sometimes we will sacrifice our needs to meet those of others. In the game of dating, this quality is not only necessary, but it can also be a hindrance.

It's kind of messy, but let me explain.

Women want to be loved. In order to find that love, and keep that love, we often go on rampage of service and caring, hoping that in the end a reciprocated love will be our reward. To care is good...to care is honorable...to care is God-like. Being able to care that way about someone is part of being in love, part of giving love. At some point though, we need to care enough about ourselves.

We spend so much time worrying about feelings. Especially me. I think people who know me in person might think differently, but the feelings of others are a huge concern to me. With people I date, I am always walking on pins and needles because I don't want to cause unnecessary harm or heart break. At some point though I have to realize that their feelings are not my responsibility. Really.

I have absolutely no control over Ryan when he egged my car after I broke up with him (seriously, crazy right?!)

I have no control over Mike being so upset and refusing to accept my reasoning when I knew that ending our relationship was what I needed to do at that point in my life.

And it's hard! It was SO SO hard for me to make those decisions. I spend hours and days, in some cases even months, agonizing over making the right choices. I just don't want anyone to be sad! But you know what? My happiness is all that I am in control of. I can't ever learn to love and give myself to someone if I can't find a way to be satisfied with who I am on my own.

I really don't know if you feel this way. I don't know who you are or what's going on in your life, but maybe you're just like me. Just trying to find a way to get through it all and make it out with some dignity and class...and good pair of red heels :)

Love sickie

California has been fun and relaxing thus far with the exception of my being sick. It seems I'm always sick. However, I have had the luxury of being taken care of by wonderful (distant) family members.

I've been having somewhat of a pity party for myself and my ever present singleness lately. Most of the time, I acknowledge the pain, then move on in moments. This week has been slightly more difficult. I don't think I should spend my life wallowing in sorrows, especially when I cannot control the situation. I want to be positive, and the older I get the more I start to follow the "glass is half full" mantra. But alas...this week has been hard. I want to love and be loved. I imagine love will find me when I'm ready, but does that ease the pain of a lonely heart? Not at all.

I will say that I am happy I've become the person I have. I think so many people loose themselves in trying to fill voids in their hearts, but not me. Although digressing in love, I've progressed in other ways, and for that, I am grateful.

Life is good.

A crushing crush

I had a crush on a boy. It was exciting at first, but then turned not so exciting when my baby crush feelings weren't reciprocated. Or at least...I didn't feel like they were.

One of the most difficult parts of dating is the fact that we have to rely so heavily on the other person. Not necessarily to do things for us, I just mean in the way of feelings. The feelings must be reciprocated or a relationship can't even begin! And of course, knowing me, being out of control is something I tend to dislike. But so it is. I can't control anyone else and sometimes things just go in a different direction. Time to move on and find a reciprocator.

C'est La Vie.

What's up Vacation?!

By the time 1 pm roles around, I will not be here. By here I mean work slash home slash Utah. I'm going to California! Woot!

This is a long overdue vacation as I have been working full time, all day, every day, all summer. I do like my job, but sometimes 8 am just comes waaaaaaaayyy to early (did you SEE how many A's I used to emphasize!?) Anyway, I plan on relaxing and chillin out hard. So hard. I also plan on writing a lot and getting some good stuff together for you and other projects.

I also hope to do a little soul searching. It's time reevaluate my life, my priorities, and of course....my dating style. Look at me! I'm going to be so productive....

I know you'll want to miss me, but I'll be right here...blogging away all the weekend! So don't cry for me...only cry that you're still stuck at work.

This is me..errr...Ross the Intern being SO excited!

Dance with me

7 years of my young life were spent as a competitive ballroom dancer (before it was the cool thing to do). I realized as I was drifting into dreams last night, that a good dance partnership is directly parallel to a good romantic relationship. This is why:

1. Trust

Trust in a dancer's partnership is key. You need to know he will be there for you. He will move where you move, go where you go. He will protect you. He will keep you safe and guide you. You have trusted him to know his part, to memorize your steps, and never let go. Trust is imperative in all relationships, romantic or otherwise.

2. Common Goal

You work so hard to get to the same place, and you can't do it alone. You train for months for 3 minutes on the dance floor. The 3 most important minutes of your life. You both have worked for the same goal, to be at the same place at the same time. To be ready. How can your romantic relationship last if you are moving in different directions? Although your paths may be slightly different, the common goal is the same.

3. Tone

Tone is the give and take. When my partner pushes, I need to push back. I need to show him that I will follow where he leads and he can be confident in my ability to do so. Just like in our romantic relationships, we need to respond. We need to show interest. We need to react and show our significant other that we will lead or follow. Without tone, the partnership will surely die.

4. Practice

We need to be willing to practice. Things wont come together after one lesson. Hours and hours of time, sweat, blood, and even tears is what it will take to get to number 1. To be the best, you have to practice. Sometimes I wonder if I find the "right" person, my relationship will be easier. Although, love is important, it isn't enough. We must "practice" our relationship. Take time to evaluate the way we treat each other and commit to working as hard as we can. In the end, that first place trophy will be worth it.

5. Love

To be a dancer, a real competitive dancer, you must love what you do. Every part of your body must be ready to endure what it takes. Sometimes the only thing that will get you through will be your love for dance, for the reward it gives you in the end, to feel complete. Clearly, we need love in our relationships. Love is not all we need- but it is a foundation that will get us through the rough times that lie ahead.

So you're not a good relationship haver? Maybe try a ballroom class or two. What have you got to lose right? :)

My last year competing. A very long time ago :)

Above all things...

I wonder if sometimes people read this blog and walk away thinking how cynical I am. How I can't find a relationship that will work because I don't want it to.

But in reality? I want to be in love so much it hurts. From my broken strands of hair to the tips of my toes... I want it. With the exception of my relationship with God, I would give anything to have it. Every part of me longs for the hole in my heart to be filled, for the missing piece to find its fit. When I do find it, I wont ever let it go. I will do everything I can to hold on because love is a miracle.

I hope you are grateful for the love you have in your life. I hope you know there are people who envy you. Be in love. Love purely. Love patiently. Love with kindness.

Above all, don't ever let it go.

"If you love me only in my dreams, let me be asleep forever."

--Unknown

And in this side of the ring...

So....should we talk about how awesome my new layout is?! I'd like to thank April for bringing my vision to life and then some! I'm in love with it- let me know what you think :)

In my previous posts we've talked about how I'm a complete paradox for various reasons. Today, we add another to the list. I have always proclaimed to hate change. Despise it. But now I've realized that I love it. Things in my life are constantly changing by my own doing. And yet....I also love security.

Especially in relationships I hate that uncertainty phase. I wish I knew what I wanted as much as I wish I knew what my significant other did. And so...in my commitment to change, I move on because I am uncertain.

Interesting how the one thing I can commit to is the one thing that keeps me away from commitment in relationships! I'm still convinced that I haven't quite met the person I am meant to be with...and maybe when I do, whatever is keeping me scared of taking the leap will fade. Oh... I truly hope so.

So what now? How will I ever win a constant battle between security vs. change? What side am I even on?! I'm sure I'm making things much more complex than they should be, which is also something I'm very good at.

Just so you know...

I miss you. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we'd both hoped. My heart hurts. I hope you're not feeling as sad and I am; you deserve to be happy. Forgive me for the heartbreak. I won't forget you.

Love,

Bailey

Not 5...but 6!

Normally, I am opposed to this, as I like to keep my blog content original. However, today an exception must be made.

I used to hate love songs. Hate them. But lately, I've been letting myself get a little more into that love wonderland and enjoying the feelings it invokes. Look at me! Growing up so fast! So, for your enjoyment- here are my top 6 (because I couldn't pick just 5) love songs that currently hold my heart:

Stephen Speaks, Out of my League

Owl City, The Saltwater Room



Craig David, Unbelievable



Nickel Creek, When You Come Back Down

Fail! They won't let me take this one...but go listen. It's worth it :)

Dave Barnes, On a Night Like This



And Finally....

Kalai, On My Mind



Enjoy so much!

Hey...remember me?

I really don't think people are that hard to figure out. I think we obsess and wonder and have such a hard time because we keep trying to fit people into molds we have created. Especially in dating, the signs are pretty clear if you choose to see them.

For instance. Let's take W. When he left to go back to school after our weekend together, he would text often and even called. Now that it's been over a week, I don't hear from him. Ever. So, in my head, I could sit here and think about all the reasons he is "busy" or "stressed" or "just doesn't have enough hours in the day" to text me. Yeah right. We make time for the people we care about. So my guess? He probably just isn't that into me. Which is fine. I'm free to be free.

My only annoyance is that I know when he is back in town...he'll be back to me. Frustrating. Frustrating because I do like him, but it doesn't seem right to be so easily cast aside then picked up when it's convenient.

I'm sure reading this the answer is pretty clear- peace out boy scout! But really...if you were in my position what would you do? I mean really...?

Just when I was rounding 3rd...

I think one of the most frustrating things about life is the more I learn, the more I know I need to learn. Growing up I've sometimes really thought the world revolved around me; No one gets up before 10! I don't...so no one else does either! What is this new song? I love it so much! It was never heard until I heard it!

There are things in this life that are true and real regardless of whether we see them or not. I guess I had some kind of paradigm shift in realizing that. The world is there and things exist whether my eyes have been opened or I continue to keep them closed.

Really, I'm just feeling things I thought I knew being replaced with realities...which equals a huge change within me. Just when I think I've figured it out....back to 1st base.

I expect you to expect me to...

Today I want to direct you towards a couple blogs that I fell in love with. First, my blog friend Heidi for posting this. I love that she believes in finding the kind of love that miracles are made of. And second, Katrina for posting this. This is when love used to mean something! I've read it over and over and it gives me hope :)


I've been thinking a lot about the kind of expectations we should have of others. Some say that having any expectations will always lead to disappointment. But for me...there are some things I just can't sacrifice when it comes to my romantic relationships. I mean, I definitely expect my significant other not to murder me...which I really hope I will never be disappointed by. Some things though, mean just as much to me as not hooking up with a serial killer.

Is it ever OK to expect things of others? Will we always be dissapointed when they aren't? Will the expectations we have of others ever be met at all?

I hope that I am able to find someone that I can expect certain things from, and he from me. As long as he doesn't require me to camp....often :)

Mediocre Morning

A new day, and a new morning.

It's so interesting to me how differently I feel in the morning, especially when I've gone through something difficult. Last night I told V that in order to preserve any heartbreak, I felt it was time to go our separate ways. V is the most completely genuine person I know. He is absolutely the most true person to who he is right now. I just know that his person and my person would not have worked. Too many different ideas on some extremely important issues. It makes my heart hurt to know that I've caused him any sadness. I don't know how healthy it is, but I've always been incredibly sensitive to that and hate when I'm the cause of any negative energy. I hope only the best for him in his life. I wish him nothing but love and hope.

Although I still posses an air of sadness today, I know it was the right thing to do. I know that I am only responsible for my happiness and I need to follow my natural instincts. I avoid getting into relationships for this reason- but I will say I have no regrets. I can only play the cards I'm dealt.

Gooooooaaaaaaallllllllllllllll!

I've had so much on my mind lately and have a laundry list of things I'd love to blog about. However, in the interest of keeping your attention I'll do my best to keep this short and sweet :)

V and I spent a lot of time together last week. It's been interesting getting to know him. Along with some other experiences this weekend, this has made me think about who people really are. Of course there are things people do and say that are a part of the person they've become. People have lists of accomplishments that we use to label them. But I think ultimately, we need to take the time to really get to the core of who someone is. I can go to Church every day of the week but that doesn't mean my actions are Christ-like, make sense?

So this weekend....I was supposed to go out with motorcycle guy right? WELL, turns out a person I've been wanting to spend some time with came into town and asked me out for Friday, to which I accepted. We will call him W :) So I had to cancel with motorcycle guy but I can't feel guilty- it was for a greater cause :) W took me to a Real Salt Lake soccer game on Friday night. This makes the second game of the season for me...because I love soccer so much. Orrr....not. We had a good time though (despite my ride being 2 hours late *angry glare*). This led to us spending the weekend together and getting to know each other. It was calm and cool, which I was very happy about. Maybe it was the fact that he was going back to Idaho (goes to school there) which kept my anxiety to a minimum, or maybe we just clicked. Who knows.

Either way, still not ready for commitment. Have I ever been? I'm just trying to build relationships and find out what I'm supposed to learn from them. I'm really working on getting to the point where I can completely control my thoughts and emotions. I highly doubt I'll ever accomplish that completely- but I find great benefit in trying to change the parts of me I feel are less than desirable. Life's a big test and I'm just trying to get an A.

Simple Pleasures

As I've stated in previous posts, my anxiety is often triggered by relationships.

I'm completely terrified of a broken heart as well as doing the breaking if needs be. I need it to feel "right," which is a challenge being that some things take time but I am usually too anxious to be patient.

I wonder if this has more to do with me, and less to do with the men I date. In fact, I'm almost positive it does. Maybe I'm the one that isn't ready for a long term commitment. Just a thought.

Ummm this is hideous. Who are Kathleen and William? What would possess them to do this?

I will say that I happy with the way things are progressing with V. With every conversation we have the fire of my anxieties seems to dim a little. This is good. We have a date next Friday (motorcycle guy took this Friday) but I imagine we will see each other more than once between now and then. With V, I feel like I want to be better but at the same time he appreciates the person I am right now. Truly. I like that.