Too tired for tears

My thoughts are really convoluted today. I guess we will see what comes out.

I do feel lonely. Mostly I'm just afraid that my flaws are too great and no one will ever want to accept those as a part of me.

The rain keeps pouring. Not necessarily for me, but for my family. So much is happening, so many lives changed, so many emotions. I've turned mine off. I stop myself from crying because I just can't do it anymore. I'm too tired. I don't have the energy.

I have no desire to date. None. I want to work on finding new things to focus on. Do service. Take care of myself. Feel good.

I wish I didn't love Dr. Pepper so much. It's made me fat. I feel the same way about candy. You'd think after the waking up with wrappers stuck to my legs incident that I would have had a wake up call. Nope. Still love it. So much.

I'm not a believer

It's been an interesting week. I would say I've been OK post break-up. Not great, not good, but OK. And as long as things aren't getting worse I'm grateful.

Today would be our anniversary. Nate and mine that is. I wouldn't have even remembered (I have been trying not to dwell on anything) except I set a reminder on my phone! I'm retahded. That's right, with a Boston accent. Retahded.

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. I really can't remember what it feels like to be in love anymore. I remember how it feels to lust, to crush, to like a lot, but I don't remember how love feels. It makes me sad. Especially since I've almost given up on love for me. I believe in love still, but I don't know if I believe in it for me anymore. Maybe it's just not in the cards for me. Everyone around me keeps saying to hold on, it will come. But they don't know that! Who knows, I could very well be the next Susan Boyle. All alone and frumpy.

Broken Heart Rehab

So I've been really stoked on writing this post...I rushed home from work so I could write. First off, I need to apologize for however long this post will be. Normally I get bored if posts are super long and stop reading, so I'm sorry!

Alright, so these past few days my thoughts have really settled around the puzzle pieces of relationships. I just kept thinking, how could things with Nate not have worked out? We had all the pieces it seemed. We liked being together. We made each other laugh. We have the same morals and values. We were on the same wave length as far as having children and finances etc etc. So why didn't it work?

This had been consuming me up until yesterday. I talked to Nate online and asked him if he thought we were done forever. Ultimately what I got out of the conversation was that he was pretty over me. I was so sad because I thought we both were still wanting to be together, but it seems that isn't the case. Maybe the break up made us both see our feelings for what they really were. I cared more than I thought, and I guess he didn't care as much as he thought.

Initially this made me really sad, and yet AGAIN, I cried myself to sleep. But this morning I felt like I'd had some sort of closure. If he doesn't want to be with me, then there is no reason for me to keep wishing and hoping. Maybe we did have a lot of those puzzle pieces there...but not all of them.

I'm not saying I'm fine now. It still makes me sad and of course, I'm still a little damaged. But at least now I can move on and begin the BHR- broken heart recovery. On a side note, there should be a rehab center for broken hearts. I'll dedicate it to Cody and Berkeley for no other reason than Berkeley's married name sounds like a funeral home slash rehab: Berkeley Hill.


It wouldnt be a rehab without Amy.

Don't think, just sleep

The hardest part post break-up for me are the nights. I try to keep myself busy during the day so I don't have too much time to dwell on any thoughts that will sink my heart, but at night...it seems unavoidable.

As fun as distractions can be, at the end of the day, none of them are Nate.

I also feel pretty alone. The comments on here really help because I feel like in real life...I've always been the dating slash relationship kind of girl. So when that is over I'm left without anyone. At least no friends to take care of me and tell me it's going to be ok. So thanks e-friends for pulling through (for reals) it means a lot.

I hate this part

I'm not sure when this post will actually make it up...but I guess I'm back to the dating world.

The past couple days it hit my like a ton of bricks. Things just weren't right. It just so happens that at the exact same time Nate felt the exact same way. We both prayed about it and feel like breaking up is the right thing to do.

I'm typing through tears so thank goodness for spell check. I haven't decided which is worse- getting dumped by someone that you barely cared about, or breaking up mutually with someone you care deeply about.

My biggest fear is that I'll never find someone who treated me the way Nate did. He was slash is amazing. I told him I'll be jealous of any girl that gets to be with him forever.

I know that everything will be fine. Through the sobs and the moments I'm having to take to remember to breathe, I know I'll be OK. I know he will too. I know that it will take time. Even though my heart wasn't maliciously broken, nor his, it's still broken nonetheless. I already miss him. I hope he can still be a part of my life.

Tonight though, I'm sad.

What do you know?

I was watching Dr. Phil last week (don't judge me!) and the whole show was about couples who are post "honeymoon days" and realize that in reality they don't know much about each other.




It really go me thinking- what does it really mean to know your significant other? I asked Nate awhile ago to tell me his favorite color just in case we were ever on a game show and I would get asked that question. But game show questions really don't say much about the kind of relationship you have. Well, I take that back. It probably shows the superficiality of your relationship.

Maybe I can rattle off Nate's favorite kind of car, or favorite vacation spot. Maybe I know his favorite brand of clothing or ice cream flavor. But why does that matter? It can be nice to know to show that I can listen, or maybe that I am thoughtful when I surprise him with a few of his favorite candy bars.

But if I really cared, I'd probably know what his morals and values are. I'd know what things are most important to him. I'd know what he is a afraid of and what he loves the most. I'd know how he feels about politics and finances. I'd learn what his dreams and aspirations are. These are the things that matter. They matter because we need to have some sort of commonality (beyond the surface interests)to make our relationship successful.

Maybe I don't know what his favorite number is or what movie he will watch over and over (Muppet's in Space) but I know that we have the same goals and ideals. And I'd rather have that as our foundation than one that stands on our equal love of Dr. Pepper.

Surprise!

If I had to choose one quality about myself that would get an F- it would definitely have to be patience.

I am always pushing to have things be done, to move and to go and get results! In some aspects of my life it's great! I work hard in whatever career path I've put myself on. I don't procrastinate in my school assignments (at least not to the nervous break down point). However, it's a whole different ball game when it comes to relationships in any context.

I love to know things. I love to know things right now. I always think about how much I would love to see what my future holds for me. But in reality...I'm positive it's better not to. Not only would I not learn important lessons specifically designed for me, but I would probably be terrified of all the scary things and would just want to eat my feelings.

I think what I need to do is just embrace the elements of surprise. Life is full of them, and they are going to pop up whether I like it not. So might as well roll with the punches and throw that confetti.

Coming Up ...

So, I'm planning on posting Part 3 soon, and if you're new please go here first (so it all makes sense :)



But before I do, I just want to explain why I've decided to share this part of my life. First of all, it does effect my relationships, which obviously is a part of my dating life. More importantly though, I just want to show people who may be struggling with the same issues that they aren't the only ones. I'm not looking for a pity party in any way. I've come to terms that these things are and will continue to be a part of my life. I just hope that maybe people who have the same issues can gain something from my story.



Sooo...will post continuations on those posts soon.

Not the evil one

I think having this blog has helped me to really start recognizing changes in myself.

Whenever things happen, I think about how to blog it all. And even when I can't think of something specific to write about, It forces me to evaluate things in my life.

This week I've been thinking a lot about not turning small problems into big ones. I think that has always been hard for me because I was so concerned about the other person and not upsetting them, or hurting them, etc. but not realizing that had I talked to them earlier on, things wouldn't have been blown out of proportion.

I have a good communicative relationship with S. And that makes me happy. I know that I can talk to him about things that are bothering me, and I think he feels the same. We are still learning to adjust to each other and I think we both still have the fear of upsetting the other and having them run away, but in time I think we will learn that it's OK to talk.

If this doesn't make sense (I think it does, but just in case) it's because fumes are currently being pumped into my office courtesy of the mechanics. Feeling goooood now! ;)

Also, I'm sick of calling him S ....his real name is Nate... not to worry though, it's not evil nate. It's cute amazing awesome boyfriend Nate:

Numero 2

Part 1....

and..

Part Dos:

After the year of hell, otherwise known as sophomore year, I couldn't shake the horrible feelings. I was sad all the time. It took everything I had just to get out of bed in the mornings. I remember spending hours in my room hoping more than anything that I wouldn't have to come out. When I was surrounded by people, I felt completely alone. It was a weird dynamic; I wanted so badly for someone to know how much I was suffering inside but at the same time I would have rather died than told anyone. I became an exceptional actress.


One day I was on vacation with my family in St. George, Utah. My Dad and Aunt started talking about a discussion that was being had with the youth in a church group. Apparently someone had written a note about having thoughts of suicide. My Dad couldn't believe it. He went on and on about how scary that is, and my Aunt agreed. They kept going about how they needed to help this person and how sad it was. At that moment I woke up, figuratively speaking. I thought, "Wait, that's not normal? Every teenager doesn't have those reoccurring thoughts constantly?"


I had always chalked up my intense moods, irritability, and deep depression to normal teenage anxiety. The first thing I did when I came home from that vacation was jump online. I googled the word Depression. As I read, I felt like someone had jumped into my head, saw all my thoughts and wrote them down. To be honest, I felt relief. I didn't have to be this way. This wasn't who I really was. Maybe now since I knew something was wrong, I could be fixed?!

Mean Girl

The next few posts have been a long time coming. I've really wanted to talk about a few things I deal with in my life, but I really haven't had the courage. It's an interesting contrast my life has become- between the me in real life and the me in the blogosphere. I tend to open up to very few people in real life. I hate feeling vulnerable. The reason I've taken my sweet time in opening up on a deeper level on here is because many close friends and family read this and I'm just not sure I want them to know certain things about me. I'm not a serial killer or a secret freaky doll collector or anything, just to be clear. But when I was 16 I began a battle I didn't know I would be fighting for the rest of my life.

A part of me that doesn't define me, Part 1:

I turned 15 a few months into my sophomore year of high school. It had been a rough summer as I decided that I needed to move from my current group of friends (druggie slash skanky chicks) to some people who maybe I had a little more in common with. I'd also tried out to be on the Cheer Squad and not only made it, but was appointed as Captain. This become a more frustrating experience than I ever thought it would be. There was one girl who I'd essentially grown up with who was also on the squad. I don't think I'll ever really know why, but she decided she was going to hate me and do her best to make my life as hard as possible to live.

I still consider that year to be one of the hardest, if not THE hardest of my life. She spread rumors about me. She told people that I was a bad person and would put me down whenever she got the chance. She threatened to beat me up or have her friends beat me up. She made it difficult to keep my cheer squad together and eventually ended up quitting which left our little team in a lurch. You know the saying that the squeaky wheel gets the grease? Well, she got it. I didn't have any friends. I felt really alone. I never fought back. My Mom kept telling me that if I just didn't react eventually it would stop. And it did. But at the expense of triggering a part of me I never knew I had.

To be continued...

How are we so sexy?!

I'm so glad I have the chance to blog- but more sad that it's 11 pm, I'm tired, my head hurts from homework and stress, and that my super cute boyfriend and I only have time to type next to each other instead of go on sweet awesome dates.


Our mini-crisis is over though, and I'm happy to report that. We spent a day apart to get it together, and since then things have been smooth sauce.


One of the best things about our relationship is that we are both just different. We both pride ourselves on being individualistic and independent, and this something that carries over into our relationship. I need to remember that when I wonder why I don't want to spend every waking second with him or why we don't need to be constantly touching to reaffirm our feelings for each other. My Dad has always said it would take someone special to marry me (um,thanks?) but it's true. I'm not like everyone else, and neither is S. So why should our relationship be anything but unconventional? Absolutely NOT an announcement or anything- hello? I know I live in marriage town USA, but I don't move THAT fast.


Anyways, we plan on going to a concert Friday night so that will be good to have a break from finals induced stress week. Also, I promise to recommit myself to my lover (blog) and post more. Rejoice!

Baby bump

So S and I have a hit our first bump. It's a small one, but a bump nonetheless.

I think we just spent so much time together this week and weekend that it became slightly overwhelming. I think we both have been out of the whole relationship thing for so long that jumping in feet first without any floaties probably wasn't the best idea.

For me, I just am so used to being alone and getting things done when I feel like it. Now things need to be scheduled around someone else and it's just a little hard to adjust to. I realize I've become a little selfish in the year and a half I've spent on my own.

However, we have a really good open line of communication so I think if we continue to tell each other any issues we may have we can resolve them.

I know that I'm easily disenchanted. I hate that about myself. I'm such a realist that I can't even enjoy the butterflies in my stomach part of dating because I know it won't last. It makes me sad. But on the other hand, I know things won't always be happy and fluffy and I learn to deal with them.

Ultimately it's just a matter of time to see if we want to work out the differences we have. Maybe we are going through this for a reason and will become stronger in the end or will learn that we are great people, but maybe just not great together. Either way, I'm lucky to have such a great example of friendship, kindness, and charity- just to name a few.

Who doesn't love the Gyno?

Clearly it's been a few days and I'm SO sorry! Along with the change in my relationship status, it's also the end of the semester, and I started my new job! It's going great, by the way. It's so relaxed and everyone is really nice. I do miss a couple of my old co-workers, but the new job is so great that I do not regret leaving my previous employment in the least.

Random story: I went with the chick that is training me for my job to get some office candy. The guy at the register, who was probably late 40's or so, was talking about how much sugar we were buying. We explained it was for the office and he laughed a little and said "I guess that could be a good thing to sugar up some Accountants, but maybe not so good if you're working as a Gyno!" Uhm. Awkward. It's weird by itself but then I was thinking about the reasons sugar would be bad in that field...and well... extra weird.

SO anyways...My sweet awesome friend Meg asked if I was going to change the title of my blog being that I am no longer "Single." I've decided to keep it the same as I have not taken the plunge into married land. So in the eternal sense, still single. So hopefully you'll still enjoy coming back as I relate all my relationship ups and downs :)

And of course...to entice you back...here is this little nugget of awesome

This is from the Festival of Colors hosted by the Hare Krishna's. To be honest, it was a minimal amount of fun for a large amount of discomfort. But....not a bad first photo as a couple ;) Oh, and Berkeley and Cody were there. I love them always.