Numero 2

Part 1....

and..

Part Dos:

After the year of hell, otherwise known as sophomore year, I couldn't shake the horrible feelings. I was sad all the time. It took everything I had just to get out of bed in the mornings. I remember spending hours in my room hoping more than anything that I wouldn't have to come out. When I was surrounded by people, I felt completely alone. It was a weird dynamic; I wanted so badly for someone to know how much I was suffering inside but at the same time I would have rather died than told anyone. I became an exceptional actress.


One day I was on vacation with my family in St. George, Utah. My Dad and Aunt started talking about a discussion that was being had with the youth in a church group. Apparently someone had written a note about having thoughts of suicide. My Dad couldn't believe it. He went on and on about how scary that is, and my Aunt agreed. They kept going about how they needed to help this person and how sad it was. At that moment I woke up, figuratively speaking. I thought, "Wait, that's not normal? Every teenager doesn't have those reoccurring thoughts constantly?"


I had always chalked up my intense moods, irritability, and deep depression to normal teenage anxiety. The first thing I did when I came home from that vacation was jump online. I googled the word Depression. As I read, I felt like someone had jumped into my head, saw all my thoughts and wrote them down. To be honest, I felt relief. I didn't have to be this way. This wasn't who I really was. Maybe now since I knew something was wrong, I could be fixed?!

Mean Girl

The next few posts have been a long time coming. I've really wanted to talk about a few things I deal with in my life, but I really haven't had the courage. It's an interesting contrast my life has become- between the me in real life and the me in the blogosphere. I tend to open up to very few people in real life. I hate feeling vulnerable. The reason I've taken my sweet time in opening up on a deeper level on here is because many close friends and family read this and I'm just not sure I want them to know certain things about me. I'm not a serial killer or a secret freaky doll collector or anything, just to be clear. But when I was 16 I began a battle I didn't know I would be fighting for the rest of my life.

A part of me that doesn't define me, Part 1:

I turned 15 a few months into my sophomore year of high school. It had been a rough summer as I decided that I needed to move from my current group of friends (druggie slash skanky chicks) to some people who maybe I had a little more in common with. I'd also tried out to be on the Cheer Squad and not only made it, but was appointed as Captain. This become a more frustrating experience than I ever thought it would be. There was one girl who I'd essentially grown up with who was also on the squad. I don't think I'll ever really know why, but she decided she was going to hate me and do her best to make my life as hard as possible to live.

I still consider that year to be one of the hardest, if not THE hardest of my life. She spread rumors about me. She told people that I was a bad person and would put me down whenever she got the chance. She threatened to beat me up or have her friends beat me up. She made it difficult to keep my cheer squad together and eventually ended up quitting which left our little team in a lurch. You know the saying that the squeaky wheel gets the grease? Well, she got it. I didn't have any friends. I felt really alone. I never fought back. My Mom kept telling me that if I just didn't react eventually it would stop. And it did. But at the expense of triggering a part of me I never knew I had.

To be continued...

How are we so sexy?!

I'm so glad I have the chance to blog- but more sad that it's 11 pm, I'm tired, my head hurts from homework and stress, and that my super cute boyfriend and I only have time to type next to each other instead of go on sweet awesome dates.


Our mini-crisis is over though, and I'm happy to report that. We spent a day apart to get it together, and since then things have been smooth sauce.


One of the best things about our relationship is that we are both just different. We both pride ourselves on being individualistic and independent, and this something that carries over into our relationship. I need to remember that when I wonder why I don't want to spend every waking second with him or why we don't need to be constantly touching to reaffirm our feelings for each other. My Dad has always said it would take someone special to marry me (um,thanks?) but it's true. I'm not like everyone else, and neither is S. So why should our relationship be anything but unconventional? Absolutely NOT an announcement or anything- hello? I know I live in marriage town USA, but I don't move THAT fast.


Anyways, we plan on going to a concert Friday night so that will be good to have a break from finals induced stress week. Also, I promise to recommit myself to my lover (blog) and post more. Rejoice!

Baby bump

So S and I have a hit our first bump. It's a small one, but a bump nonetheless.

I think we just spent so much time together this week and weekend that it became slightly overwhelming. I think we both have been out of the whole relationship thing for so long that jumping in feet first without any floaties probably wasn't the best idea.

For me, I just am so used to being alone and getting things done when I feel like it. Now things need to be scheduled around someone else and it's just a little hard to adjust to. I realize I've become a little selfish in the year and a half I've spent on my own.

However, we have a really good open line of communication so I think if we continue to tell each other any issues we may have we can resolve them.

I know that I'm easily disenchanted. I hate that about myself. I'm such a realist that I can't even enjoy the butterflies in my stomach part of dating because I know it won't last. It makes me sad. But on the other hand, I know things won't always be happy and fluffy and I learn to deal with them.

Ultimately it's just a matter of time to see if we want to work out the differences we have. Maybe we are going through this for a reason and will become stronger in the end or will learn that we are great people, but maybe just not great together. Either way, I'm lucky to have such a great example of friendship, kindness, and charity- just to name a few.

Who doesn't love the Gyno?

Clearly it's been a few days and I'm SO sorry! Along with the change in my relationship status, it's also the end of the semester, and I started my new job! It's going great, by the way. It's so relaxed and everyone is really nice. I do miss a couple of my old co-workers, but the new job is so great that I do not regret leaving my previous employment in the least.

Random story: I went with the chick that is training me for my job to get some office candy. The guy at the register, who was probably late 40's or so, was talking about how much sugar we were buying. We explained it was for the office and he laughed a little and said "I guess that could be a good thing to sugar up some Accountants, but maybe not so good if you're working as a Gyno!" Uhm. Awkward. It's weird by itself but then I was thinking about the reasons sugar would be bad in that field...and well... extra weird.

SO anyways...My sweet awesome friend Meg asked if I was going to change the title of my blog being that I am no longer "Single." I've decided to keep it the same as I have not taken the plunge into married land. So in the eternal sense, still single. So hopefully you'll still enjoy coming back as I relate all my relationship ups and downs :)

And of course...to entice you back...here is this little nugget of awesome

This is from the Festival of Colors hosted by the Hare Krishna's. To be honest, it was a minimal amount of fun for a large amount of discomfort. But....not a bad first photo as a couple ;) Oh, and Berkeley and Cody were there. I love them always.

Why So SeriouS?

Happy 100 to me!!!!! I can't believe I've posted 100 times! It's ridiculous! Not only that...but people actually read my stuff! So....In honor of my 100 amazing awesome posts...how about a Giveaway?? I have a little something I'd like to give...but if there are any sponors that would like to contribute, please send an email to singlebailey@gmail.com. So at my 105th- I'll post what is up for grabs and how YOU can win!



Ok, so back to what I know you've been on edge about.....



My weekend was pretty SeriouS.



SeriouSly AweSome!!!!!



In case you didn't catch my clever little hints with the capitalized S's....My choice of boy in my life is S.



Friday night I went to a concert-which was super awesome p.s.- and when I got home S came over and spent some time with me. I don't know how or why, but it just felt right. The next morning I awoke feeling so happy! No anxieties, no regrets. And based on my previous posts? We know how common those feelings are. So it's a big deal for me to have an absence of them. I thought about it the rest of the morning and really felt at peace with my decision. Yay for me!!



I also had the following conversation with my friend Chad that went a little something like this:



Chad: So is this like the bachelor where you give them roses at the end?



Bailey: Ha ha kind of. But I was thinking footballs...roses are for girls.



Chad: Well, I like football, but I don't know about that. How about beef jerky? I think we can agree that every guy likes beef jerky.



Bailey: Ha ha. Done!



So- to my S, who is now my boyfriend (can you believe that!?) I give you this to represent my caring and affection:

Stay Tuned...

Dear Crazy Bailey,

I've made a decision. I've chosen a letter and I feel really good about it.

Will write soon.

Love,

Awesome Bailey