Broken Heart Rehab

So I've been really stoked on writing this post...I rushed home from work so I could write. First off, I need to apologize for however long this post will be. Normally I get bored if posts are super long and stop reading, so I'm sorry!

Alright, so these past few days my thoughts have really settled around the puzzle pieces of relationships. I just kept thinking, how could things with Nate not have worked out? We had all the pieces it seemed. We liked being together. We made each other laugh. We have the same morals and values. We were on the same wave length as far as having children and finances etc etc. So why didn't it work?

This had been consuming me up until yesterday. I talked to Nate online and asked him if he thought we were done forever. Ultimately what I got out of the conversation was that he was pretty over me. I was so sad because I thought we both were still wanting to be together, but it seems that isn't the case. Maybe the break up made us both see our feelings for what they really were. I cared more than I thought, and I guess he didn't care as much as he thought.

Initially this made me really sad, and yet AGAIN, I cried myself to sleep. But this morning I felt like I'd had some sort of closure. If he doesn't want to be with me, then there is no reason for me to keep wishing and hoping. Maybe we did have a lot of those puzzle pieces there...but not all of them.

I'm not saying I'm fine now. It still makes me sad and of course, I'm still a little damaged. But at least now I can move on and begin the BHR- broken heart recovery. On a side note, there should be a rehab center for broken hearts. I'll dedicate it to Cody and Berkeley for no other reason than Berkeley's married name sounds like a funeral home slash rehab: Berkeley Hill.


It wouldnt be a rehab without Amy.

Don't think, just sleep

The hardest part post break-up for me are the nights. I try to keep myself busy during the day so I don't have too much time to dwell on any thoughts that will sink my heart, but at night...it seems unavoidable.

As fun as distractions can be, at the end of the day, none of them are Nate.

I also feel pretty alone. The comments on here really help because I feel like in real life...I've always been the dating slash relationship kind of girl. So when that is over I'm left without anyone. At least no friends to take care of me and tell me it's going to be ok. So thanks e-friends for pulling through (for reals) it means a lot.

I hate this part

I'm not sure when this post will actually make it up...but I guess I'm back to the dating world.

The past couple days it hit my like a ton of bricks. Things just weren't right. It just so happens that at the exact same time Nate felt the exact same way. We both prayed about it and feel like breaking up is the right thing to do.

I'm typing through tears so thank goodness for spell check. I haven't decided which is worse- getting dumped by someone that you barely cared about, or breaking up mutually with someone you care deeply about.

My biggest fear is that I'll never find someone who treated me the way Nate did. He was slash is amazing. I told him I'll be jealous of any girl that gets to be with him forever.

I know that everything will be fine. Through the sobs and the moments I'm having to take to remember to breathe, I know I'll be OK. I know he will too. I know that it will take time. Even though my heart wasn't maliciously broken, nor his, it's still broken nonetheless. I already miss him. I hope he can still be a part of my life.

Tonight though, I'm sad.

What do you know?

I was watching Dr. Phil last week (don't judge me!) and the whole show was about couples who are post "honeymoon days" and realize that in reality they don't know much about each other.




It really go me thinking- what does it really mean to know your significant other? I asked Nate awhile ago to tell me his favorite color just in case we were ever on a game show and I would get asked that question. But game show questions really don't say much about the kind of relationship you have. Well, I take that back. It probably shows the superficiality of your relationship.

Maybe I can rattle off Nate's favorite kind of car, or favorite vacation spot. Maybe I know his favorite brand of clothing or ice cream flavor. But why does that matter? It can be nice to know to show that I can listen, or maybe that I am thoughtful when I surprise him with a few of his favorite candy bars.

But if I really cared, I'd probably know what his morals and values are. I'd know what things are most important to him. I'd know what he is a afraid of and what he loves the most. I'd know how he feels about politics and finances. I'd learn what his dreams and aspirations are. These are the things that matter. They matter because we need to have some sort of commonality (beyond the surface interests)to make our relationship successful.

Maybe I don't know what his favorite number is or what movie he will watch over and over (Muppet's in Space) but I know that we have the same goals and ideals. And I'd rather have that as our foundation than one that stands on our equal love of Dr. Pepper.

Surprise!

If I had to choose one quality about myself that would get an F- it would definitely have to be patience.

I am always pushing to have things be done, to move and to go and get results! In some aspects of my life it's great! I work hard in whatever career path I've put myself on. I don't procrastinate in my school assignments (at least not to the nervous break down point). However, it's a whole different ball game when it comes to relationships in any context.

I love to know things. I love to know things right now. I always think about how much I would love to see what my future holds for me. But in reality...I'm positive it's better not to. Not only would I not learn important lessons specifically designed for me, but I would probably be terrified of all the scary things and would just want to eat my feelings.

I think what I need to do is just embrace the elements of surprise. Life is full of them, and they are going to pop up whether I like it not. So might as well roll with the punches and throw that confetti.

Coming Up ...

So, I'm planning on posting Part 3 soon, and if you're new please go here first (so it all makes sense :)



But before I do, I just want to explain why I've decided to share this part of my life. First of all, it does effect my relationships, which obviously is a part of my dating life. More importantly though, I just want to show people who may be struggling with the same issues that they aren't the only ones. I'm not looking for a pity party in any way. I've come to terms that these things are and will continue to be a part of my life. I just hope that maybe people who have the same issues can gain something from my story.



Sooo...will post continuations on those posts soon.

Not the evil one

I think having this blog has helped me to really start recognizing changes in myself.

Whenever things happen, I think about how to blog it all. And even when I can't think of something specific to write about, It forces me to evaluate things in my life.

This week I've been thinking a lot about not turning small problems into big ones. I think that has always been hard for me because I was so concerned about the other person and not upsetting them, or hurting them, etc. but not realizing that had I talked to them earlier on, things wouldn't have been blown out of proportion.

I have a good communicative relationship with S. And that makes me happy. I know that I can talk to him about things that are bothering me, and I think he feels the same. We are still learning to adjust to each other and I think we both still have the fear of upsetting the other and having them run away, but in time I think we will learn that it's OK to talk.

If this doesn't make sense (I think it does, but just in case) it's because fumes are currently being pumped into my office courtesy of the mechanics. Feeling goooood now! ;)

Also, I'm sick of calling him S ....his real name is Nate... not to worry though, it's not evil nate. It's cute amazing awesome boyfriend Nate: