In Love with Love

As far as relationships go, not much to blog about today. I'm still seeing I, we'll see what happens. I'm going to California for break- so excited! I might even go on a date or two while I'm there. Most of the interesting yet stressful topics in my current situation are school, work, and church. So so much going on there.

I still think about how much I want to be in love. I would say I have been in love before. But not the kind of love I'm looking for. Obviously those relationships didn't last. I want the kind of love that is mutual, kind, gentle, charitable, and forgiving. I see my cousin Berkeley with her fiance Cody (two of my favorite people) and I am so happy they found each other. I wouldn't say I am jealous, because I am truly so happy for them, it's more just wishing I could feel that way about someone, and have that in return.

Oh...someday right? It seems so much easier for everyone else. I'm starting to become the only single girl among the many bridal showers I have been invited to. About a year ago, I would say I was extremely depressed by this. However, I've come to respect the options I have and the opportunity to create goals and accomplish them on my own. Simply put, I am hopeful and content (most of the time :)

So remember E? This is him. Really great guy, but there just didn't seem to be any chemistry there. Always a little frustrating to run into that, but a good experience none the less.

Go away, Come back

It's been a good day so far. I was late to class...again...but come on, I'm already friends with the teacher and I didn't miss anything important, so I don't feel bad. Well, maybe a little since class doesn't start until 11:30 am and I STILL can't make it on time. Whatever.

So things with I are good. I was a little overwhelmed last week with "serious" conversations, and the amount of time we spent together; almost every day of the week. So, I told him I wanted some space, and this week we will probably get together twice. I'm OK with this. It reminds me of a song by Pink called Leave me alone, I'm lonely:

Go away, give me a chance to miss you,
say goodbye, it will make me want to kiss you.

You taste so sweet, but I can't eat
the same thing every day.

Obviously not all the words, but caution to those who listen to it...a little bad word here and there (worth it in my book ;)

We still laugh and have fun together and I'm enjoying our time as well as still having the freedom to date other men if I so choose. Baby steps right?

Well, at least it's Friday

I feel completely exhausted today. In every which way. Emotionally I feel drained and completely out of whack! I've got so much going through my head and it's just piling and piling with no real filter to put it in its proper place. Ultimate wish for the day would just be getting into bed and falling asleep; wake me up when it's over. Physically I could sleep for days, but what else is new? I've been trying to think positive thoughts all day, trying to make myself understand that I can control my emotions. However, I'm at the point where I'd rather just let it fall than keep pushing and pushing to the end of the uphill battle.

I feel like I never know what I want. Well, not completely true. I always want what I don't have. It's a horrible way to be!! Especially in relationships. I want a boyfriend, I want to be single, I want an open relationship, I want everyone to leave me alone forever! Guess who really needs some therapy?! (raising my hand)

So today...just trying to put aside my troubles and make it from moment to moment. In this particular moment I want a Dr. Pepper, I heart carbonated sugar death drinks.

It's ok, the world is right :)

A friend of mine said today that the world wouldn't be right if I wasn't dating someone. Am I a horrible person because that made me feel good? If I'm dating it must mean I'm not ugly, or have a terrible personality, or that I dress nasty...all good to not be those things right? I know what "people" say when you assume...but I don't care. I'll make an ass out of me...and it still looks great in jeans.

Dear Naps, I love you

It's been a few days since I've posted... so terrible. The week without I was great. Not that I wasn't glad to have him back, I just really needed the ME time and plus as mentioned in previous posts...my monthly episodes are a ride on the crazy train. So anyway, he got back last night and I didn't get to his place till around 10 and 5 min later its 3:00 am!! bah!! I will pretty much sacrifice almost anything for sleep so he should feel special. Note to self: make sure he knows I must like him to stay up that late! (also he should buy me ice cream) So, basically we are lucky I can even type right now with thoughts of my bed racing through my head. Dead. Lead. Said. (yeah, I don't know) We ended up having a good little chat of sorts, which I'll post about later. In the mean time, please enjoy the picture posted below.

For whatever reason, C was upset having his picture up. Because I'd rather not jeopardize a friendship I decided to humble myself and take it down- even though I feel I did nothing wrong. This is my blog and I have a right to post whatever I deem necessary. Pretty sure you're not all running around looking for some guy who resembles that picture hating him. I don't think anyone cares that much. HOWEVER, I decided to put my pride aside and just do someone a favor. We will have to jump to E after this because I don't have a picture of D- just know he was pretty cute :)

Back to Basics

Well, lets start with a little update on I. He is currently on vacation in California to attend a friends wedding! (Congrats to Ben and Monica!) The timing couldn't have been better as I was currently in the middle of my monthly melt down (I go insane, I seriously want to chop every ones head off it's ridiculous!) I heart being a girl. SO, good to have some ME time. Whenever I start dating someone and things start progressing I do a little self destructive dance and start to over analyze everything. I've decided it's some sort of defensive mechanism to keep the possibility of getting hurt, or hurting someone as far away as possible. I should probably get over that right? The point in all that...as long as I'm able to keep some time for myself and not feel pushed or pressured, I'm OK. I and I also need to have some more intense conversations regarding our beliefs and values. Sounds like a party right? Although having serious discussions can be hard and emotionally draining, I feel if it is done in a mature way both parties can benefit and become not only stronger individuals but build a stronger relationship. If you think I'm wrong about that, lets talk seriously, cause I'm not! :)

I'm sort of convinced no one reads this anymore except for my sister...thanks Mal- at least you can get all the insight you need into my life from here if no one else does!!

SO- Remember B...there he is! B I think has some interesting issues. He wants a girl with a moral compass of that of Mother Theresa but wants the look and slut-faceness (one word or two?) of Britney Spears (pre-shaved head days of course.) He really was a sweet guy but I think he might just be the kind that will never find happiness as they are always not satisfied or not looking for quite the right thing. Nevertheless, I hope he does succeed in his love life- I know how much he wants it- and I wish him the best of luck!

Back to A, but just for today!

Instead of learning how to write Obituaries in my Writing for Mass Media Class (so boring) I decided to post. Although, regarding I there isn't much to write about. Not a bad thing, just nothing event full to share. So, in case you were curious......


This is A. So cute right? If we remember correctly, we dated casually for about a minute. Still good friends, still makes me laugh every time we talk. I promise we will get to the letters that I don't think very highly of...I realize lack of bitterness isn't very interesting to read ;)