Check Please.

I didn't do much today. I spent some time reading, slept a little, and prepared my Sunday school lesson for tomorrow. My family decided to meet up to eat- it was nice to get out of the house. I stepped outside the restaurant and right ahead of me, I saw a familiar face. Boy B.

My heart dropped. It fell into my stomach and exploded into a thousand glass pieces that went flying fast and hard. Sitting next to him- a cute little blonde.

This past week I had already made the decision-it was a lost cause. I realized that the last few weeks with B had given me nothing but frustration and sadness. So I wasn't supposed to care. I wasn't supposed to feel anything when I saw him laughing and smiling with someone who wasn't me. But I did care.

I want him to feel how I feel. I want him to be sad, angry, frustrated and upset. But then I realize, whatever he feels....I still feel.

I have a really hard time ending relationships with people. I feel like a failure. If there was something I could have done differently, it could have been saved.

Gosh, more than anything I don't want to feel it. I should focus my attention on the great date I had Thursday with A. He was sweet, and kind. After I made dinner, he made me sit while HE did the dishes! He asked me to teach him to dance....because he knows how much I love it. I wish those memories could overshadow the black smoke engulfing and twisting my heart. They do ease the pain a little.

Why do we have experiences like these? Times like this, I always wonder what makes it worth it. I need something that will make this worth it.

Few things hurt me the way rejection does. Not honest rejection, not blatant rejection. That I can handle. It's the subtle rejection from someone you thought you could trust and then in one second you see he could care less.

Life is never fair...but sometimes I just want a break.