A's and B's and inbetweens.

It has been a long time since I've updated. My mind has been all over the place trying to sort my feelings about different situations and I think trying to put the puzzle into paragraphs that fit together nicely was too much to think about.

I'll start with B. I had a couple of long conversations with him regarding my feelings for him and his lack of feelings for me. I really can't blame him- he has been open and honest in regards to wanting to remain friends and only friends, I guess I just mistook signals right and left. In the end, after some time to think and reflect, I decided I needed to be an adult about the situation. I needed to put aside my emotions and let go of some pride and be a big girl and not ruin an otherwise really great friendship. It's been a couple of weeks since then, and its been rough. I actually haven't heard from him in a couple days and to be honest I'm not sure I want to. It's easier for me to just remove myself from situations that bring negative feelings- especially because I can't have those feelings escalate. Part me hopes that someday things can be different, but right now the most appropriate word to convey what I think should happen to the relationship is death.

On to boy A. We have had a couple of really awesome dates. I love to spend time with him- he makes me laugh. Not to mention- I love to look at him! My concerns with him are as follows: 1. We only spend at most one day a week together. I know I can't expect things to move fast especially when trying to develop a substantial relationship, but really, one day?? 2. I haven't been able to connect with him on a deeper more emotional level. I realize this is partly my fault being that I've been preoccupied with B, but I really don't know how to bring that to light. I want to know more about him and I want him to know more about me. I need to have some sort of connection that goes beyond our favorite ice cream flavors.

A couple of ex boyfriends have come out of my past as well. I went to lunch with one, his name is Derek. I figure I can disclose names once things are over :) He is an amazing person and he is moving to California to go to law school. He'll be great and I wish him the best of luck. Next is Zack. He called me the other night to smooth things over. He is in Japan right now with a girl he knows I have had issues with. I know that if she wanted a relationship with him, he would be to her side in a second, but for some reason she doesn't see the amazing person I did. I still very much miss his friendship.

In writing, things don't seem as monumental to me as they have this past week. I've felt so overwhelmed and sad about the way my relationships have been going. I feel like I'm working so hard to find an end when I'm sent back to beginning after beginning. Really, the only thing I can do is focus on the positive and learn from my past. I definitely would not prefer to make the same mistakes.