Training Wheels

I've always felt like when my romantic relationships didn't work that I was a failure. I would constantly think about what I could have done differently. Maybe if I was more thoughtful, or more caring, or didn't worry so much. Maybe if I was more kind, made more jokes, listened better. I would begin to think about the superficial; he didn't want me because I wasn't thin enough. Maybe if I had blond hair, or if I was taller. Maybe I needed a tan or had better legs. Whatever the case, especially when I was younger, I would obsess about these things which would only lead to a self destructive spiral of sadness.

But not anymore. I don't think the relationships I've had, or the fact that they didn't last, makes me a failure. Every relationship we have is a part of our relationship training wheels. We learn things. We practice. And someday, when we are ready, we can graduate to a big girl (or boy) bike. At first it can be a little scary but it will be exciting and new and before we know it, we are going faster and faster.

I remember a few years ago a friend of mine was engaged and she told me her fiance said "what's wrong with Bailey? why isn't she married?" or something to that extent. FIRST off, I was only 19! Second, no one has the right to pass judgement on me, especially when they barely know me. And third, everyone is different. Although it doesn't make me happy, I would be lying if I didn't have a small piece of vindication knowing that she and her husband are barely speaking and their relationship has lost its honeymoon lust.I wasn't in support of their relationship as I thought they rushed into things (probably the reason he didn't like me).

I guess what I mean is that I'd rather wait. I'd rather have my training wheels on longer than be in a place that doesn't allow me to feel and be the best person I can be.